News


International Student Delighted to Be Invited to Tense, Angry Dinner with Friend and Friend’s Family

The meal was an extended angry and tense silence.


Student Thought to be Studying Abroad Actually On Campus, Just Really Into RuneScape

Saying goodbye to his family and friends, James embarked on his journey, eager to embrace a new culture and get out of the Penn bubble.


Penn Agrees to Pay Elves Who Manually Coordinate Course Registration $15 an Hour

Progressives around campus are applauding Penn for finally agreeing to compensate the elves who manually coordinate course registration with $15 an hour for their work.


Report: Those Creepy Twins Wandering Around Fisher Fine Arts Seem like Bad News

Spooky Szn may be over, but all the ghosts in Fisher Fine Arts are on the rampage to recruit some warm, new flesh to join the masses of souls doomed to forever walk the land of the living in a state of cursed limbo.


Shocking: Degrees in the Humanities Have Plummeted in the Past Decade as Desire for Money Skyrockets

Although many professors are confident this is only temporary, the change has already affected many aspects of the University and is expected to have larger consequences. The old book and tweed jacket industries have begun to see downward trends.


'He Trimmed His Nails Before Fingering Me' And 5 Other Hygienic Reasons Why You Should Cuff

Ladies, on this campus riddled with hand, foot, and mouth disease and midterms-induced greasy hair, we have to prioritize cleanliness when securing a mans for the long, cold winter ahead.


Bio and Theology Double Major Eats E. Coli Lettuce to ‘Put Natural Selection to the Test’

She wanted to “put natural selection to the test” in a controlled experiment, as the “body of evidence supporting the theory is painfully underwhelming.”


Student Calls Penn Walk for Laundry Room Trek Out of Loneliness

For Engineering freshman Julia Hayes, life can get just a little bit lonely between her seven-hour Netflix binges and two-hour long sob sessions.


SHS Hits Record New Wait Times of 615 Years for Major Injuries, 1,233 for Minor Ones

"I called SHS, and when they asked for my injury, all I heard was a five-minute laugh from the receptionist, before she said ‘lol, suck it up, wimp’ and hung up the phone."


4 Carabiners to Let That Guy in Your Econ Lecture Know You're Not Interested

Every gay woman has been there. You're sitting in class, looking aggressively homosexual, and yet apparently not homosexual enough.


Study: Extent of Students' Activism Directly Equivalent to How Much They Post on Facebook

The findings support previous research which concluded that students value “clout” roughly 10 times more than social impact.


Student Two Bites Into Copa Nachos Already Dreading Tomorrow’s Bowel Movement

After just a few nibbles of his food, Michael quickly felt an unsettled shift in his guts.


Report: Majority of Wharton Students Can't Graph Lines, but They Sure Can Snort Them

It may not be snowing yet, but the inside of Huntsman already looks like a bona fide winter wonderland.


Innovative! Huntsman GSRs Turn Into 'Hotel Party,' But Don't Worry, My Wharton Friend Can Get You In

All nine Group Study Rooms were fit with a unique theme: limbo, lust, gluttony, greed, anger, heresy, violence, fraud, and treachery — it was quite the hit!


Kid Trying to Leave Group Conversation Says 'Alright' 4 Times

According to eyewitness reports, Joseph Sockless (W '19) abruptly started sentences with “alright…” four separate times last night while attempting to leave a group of friends in order to lie in bed restlessly for hours.


BREAKING: Local Dog Population Fucking Pissed About This NCH West Business

Construction of New College House West will begin next week, just in time to create a pleasant soundtrack of jackhammers and dynamite for students studying for finals.


Prank Stabbing in Fisher Fine Arts Just Leads to Irritated Shushing Noises

Last Friday, visitors to the Fisher Fine Arts Library found themselves at the center of a terrifying confrontation.


Doctors Who Did Surgery on a Grape Give Talk at Penn Med

"We did it. We did surgery on a grape."


Student’s Political Ideology Completely Changed After One Conversation With Drunk Uncle at Thanksgiving

All hell broke loose when the topic of the trade war came up.


Sophomore Creates Spotify Add-on That Automatically Turns on Private Mode When You Listen to 'Mo Bamba' Before 8 P.M.

Embarrassing! Sam Sun’s (C '21) Spotify followers totally saw him bopping to Sheck Wes’s "Mo Bamba" at 10 a.m.! “It helps me wake up,” he protested when asked about these claims.


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