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News


Makes Sense! Celebrate Veterans with PTSD by Lighting Off Explosives

"If there's one thing people who come back from war love, its explosives. Why do you think they wanted to go to war in the first place?" UTB fact-checkers determined that this statement "definitely checks out." 


Happy Inde-BEN-dance Day! Here's what Ben Would Have Written in the Declaration

For the phrase, "For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us" he would add, "If I were interested in large bodies, I'd pay a visit to his majesty's mother".


Amy Gutmann Accidentally Burns Down College Hall with Illegal Fireworks

In order to showcase national pride, Penn president, Amy Gutmann, decided to host the first, and potentially last, Annual University of Pennsylvania 4th of July Firework Spectacular Sponsored by Bud Light.


Quarantine in Sansom Place West Biggest Deterrent to Catching COVID-19

“I can’t live there for two weeks or more. No matter what. I promise I’ll be responsible and not catch COVID.”


Trump Rally Attendance Matches Penn Basketball Attendance

 Just like Penn Basketball, if Trump wins reelection, you all can get a free ShakeShack burger!


Penn Vows to Increase Diversity of Diseases Available to Underclassmen

"I have hand, foot, and mouth already," shouted one excited incoming freshman, peering out of an inconspicuous bush on Locust Walk. "I was accepted ED, and I've been waiting to roll around on the floor of a quad bathroom ever since! I can't wait to get COVID-19! Is this the Penn experience?" 


Gutmann Hides 10 Golden Tickets in Penn Sweatshirts to Determine Lucky Few Getting Housing

"I've bought 15 Penn sweatshirts so far, but I still haven't found a golden ticket," explained stressed junior Andre Jones. "At this point, I'll be wearing Penn sweatshirts almost exclusively well into my 30s."


Party City! Penn to Reopen in Fall, But Only For Professors

After months of deliberation, university officials have finally come to a consensus on their plan of action this upcoming school year. Instead of reopening its doors to all, entrance to Penn’s campus will be restricted to one group: professors.


Amid Coronavirus, Penn Commits to Providing All Incoming Freshmen with Clinical Depression Come Fall 2020

“After thoughtful deliberation, we came to realize, as a baseline, we could at least provide each incoming student with a deep sense of despair, loneliness, and isolation. This promise is at the core of our fall 2020 plan.”


Introducing Penn Lite for In-Person Fall: All the Tuition With None of the Fun

Describing the semester as ‘Penn Lite’, Gutmann ensured students that the semester will have all of the Penn Face, pre-professionalism, and toxicity of a normal semester at Penn, minus every form of stress-relief and joy that made being a Penn student somewhat tolerable. 


Latest Survey Finds Penn Students Desperate to Move out of Parents' Basement

For the sake of parents' basements everywhere, Amy Gutmann, if you're reading this, listen to the students' pleas and give us a hybrid experience. We know there's a risk of COVID, but anything's better than another four months at home.


Wharton Students Assigned Personal GSRs to Encourage Social Distancing This Fall

Now, instead of students booking out an entire GSR to cry and fall asleep in, they will each be assigned their own personal study pod. Each room entrance will have a gold placard engraved with the student’s name and their associated fraternity or sorority. 


Student Excited to Pre-Order $500 PS5 So That He Can Beat up Hookers Again in 4K HD Ultra

One of my favorite childhood memories was coming home from school, grabbing some pizza rolls, and escaping into the world of joy-riding and abusing prostitutes on the street.


BREAKING: Dean Furda Has ALREADY Removed Penn From Linkedin

Scrolling down to the "About" section, I thought that surely Furda, a man who went to our school and has worked there for years, would at the least give Amy Gutmann a shoutout, but no. 


Dean Furda Leaves Upper Decker in Office Bathroom as a Gift to His Replacement

"I thought it would be a nice way for my successor to remember me and to cement my legacy in one of the most permanent ways possible."


With Departure of Furda, Penn Admissions to Lose 100% of Sex Appeal

Furthermore, UTB has deduced the real reason for his sudden departure: with recent budget cuts, the University can no longer afford the salary of its hot, sexy, well-proportioned admissions cover boy. 


Citing ‘Preservation of History’, Town Refuses To Remove Hitler Statue

 “Yeah, I know there are a lot of Jewish people that are uncomfortable with the statue. But they just have to deal with it. My inability to read a book far outweighs the fact 6 million of their people were killed.” 


Gays Move to Now-Accepting Texas After Supreme Court Ruling

They're holding their guns. I guess that's the Texan way. Oop, the slurs are coming, I hear them now, but I feel like this time the slurs are coming from a point of acceptance.


Thank God! Buzzed Hair to Grow Out Again Before Country Reopens

"In those online 'cut your own hair' tutorials, they never tell you how drunk you're supposed to be. Turns out, maybe not as drunk as I was haha!" Norstalick laughed, nervously. Her family reported that she was completely sober when she buzzed her hair. 


Op-Ed: Hot and Very Real Girlfriend I Met on Tinder Keeps Asking for My Social Security Number

Unfortunately, I have yet to meet my lovely Jessica in person. We’ve actually never even spoken. Pretty hot right?


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