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Rachel Offers Free Spaghetti Eating ASMR During Zoom Class

As Rachel Connolly (E ‘22)  slurped, slopped, and slogged back her plate of spaghetti, it was difficult for anyone to focus on what was being presented on the slides. People attempted to type in chat to draw her attention to heroically save her from a lifetime of embarrassment but to no avail. 


Plot-Twist! Those Frat Fliers Slipped Under Your Door Were Actually Provisions for Toilet-Paper Shortage

With grocery stores across the globe failing to meet the demand for toilet-paper, Penn officials slept soundly knowing their student body was provided with a stockpile of paper materials.


Report: Yup, Bedroom Ceiling Still Looks the Same

Yup. Exactly the same. No differences here. Same color too. Oh, wait... is that crack new? No, that’s been there since middle school. Right, right.


Student Jet Lagged After Huge Trip Taking out Trash

He opened the door and faced the harshness of the elements. It was a sunny day, 78 degrees, and the sun was blinding. Was this God’s punishment? Indeed. 


Dad Buys 9-cubic Feet Freezer and Potatoes 'Just in Case'

 “Oh yeah,” he responded. “I also bought this AK-47. Just in case, you know.”  


Shocking! Social Smoker Still Smoking

“Baby, I don’t think that’s your last cigarette.”



President’s Engagement Prize Awarding $250,000 To Anyone Looking to Try Something Out in West Philly

Although the participants candidly admitted they could not predict the future of their projects, they all felt this experience would have long term and sustainable impacts on how they approach their work once they begin as consultants for McKinsey.


Has COVID Gone Too Far? Trevor Forced to Wear His "Left at Home" Shirts

Spearman displayed several shirts over Zoom. "I just want you guys to know how bad it is out here on the front lines." Indeed, one shirt asked the viewer to "find x" in the style of an algebra problem, while simultaneously circling the letter "x" in red. Truly horrifying.


Wow! Penn Really Not Gonna Change to Pass/Fail

Public response to the move was overwhelmingly negative as some students are put at a disadvantage due to lack of resources and others claim, "the stress of having to study is too much for them."


So Sad! This "Quarantine" Thing Is Mildly Inconvenient For Travis :(

Travis is as close to struggling as he has ever been, and he would really like your attention right now.


Main Line Girl Who Goes Home Every Weekend 'Starting to Miss Campus'

"On very special occasions, like the birthday of Theresa’s favorite horse, Timothée, her mother might even pick up Theresa and her laundry basket from campus."


Breaking: Jesus Self-Quarantining, Easter Canceled!

Recently, word came down from on High that Jesus is self-quarantining and there will be no resurrection this year. 


BREAKING: Hundreds of Penn Students Receive Summer Internship Offers From Mom

The roles students will have to fulfill range from Waste and Disposables Technician to the Director of Internet and Gadgets, working directly under the head boss.


Student With Therapy Dog Discovers Xanax to Be Much Simpler Solution

When asked what the main draws of replacing his therapy dog with Xanax were, Schmidt specifically noted how, “Xanax doesn’t shit on your carpet or need to be walked.”


Sick! Noodles Left in Microwave Last Night Probably Still Okay to Eat

Upon further inspection, it was found that Daniel had indeed prepared his noodles not in water but in Skyy. 


OP-ED: My Room is Better Because I Have LEDs

Feeling down? Turn them blue. Want to have a rave in your tiny dorm room, or in search of an epileptic seizure? Click the flash button. Seeking attention because nobody is friends with you? Flash SOS in Morse code. The possibilities are endless.  


Thanks, Zoom: Professor Swinford's Uncomfortable Jokes Now Excruciating

“Alright future chemists, riddle me this: what do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?”


Photo Essay: 5 Candles My Parents Won't Let Me Light (With Reasons)

We're all looking for a little bit of light in this dark chapter of world history.


Coronavirus Actually Writing Workshop for Teen Dystopian Novels

I used to think that I would never be able to create a masterpiece as good as Veronica Roth's Divergent, but now, with the COVID-19 workshop, I can really imagine what it would be like to live in a world where you can never see the light of day. It’s inspiring!


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