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News


Democratic Presidential Candidate Who Is Not Elizabeth Warren to Visit Campus as If I Care

The other candidate is a less white man. He has done some things in other countries. He might have fought in a war, but he may also have just taken pictures with children from abroad. I haven’t taken the time to figure out the details. Please don't ask me more questions, I don't feel like talking about this candidate anymore. 


TA Not Paid Enough to Have Entire Baseball Team in One Recitation

While your TA Greg is paid enough to sustain his body during this hour, he is not paid enough to sustain his soul. 


Girl Wants to Wish Her Stunning Best Friend a Happy Fucking Birthday

To commemorate Rubinson’s special day, Goldman posted the following message, spread across a 125 installment Instagram story: “To the best person I know. To the person I would die for. To the girl who knows how to have a good time like no one else. To the girl who can deepthroat a candelabra. Happy. Fucking. Birthday. Jenna."


Penn to Get Serious About Bio Pond Skunk Infestation

Dealing with animal infestations has never been one of Penn's top priorities; however, the skunk infestation at the Bio Pond is simply getting out of hand. "Every time you walk through the area, it just reeks!" one biology professor complained. "Enough of us professors got together and told the University that it had to do something. We can't work on a campus like this."


Cackling Professor Uses 'Bomb Countdown Online' to Time Midterm

“It’s kind of hard to apply Stokes’ Theorem when a piece of Wile E. Coyote’s arsenal is smoking and sputtering in front of your very eyes, you know?”


Amy Gutmann to Rename Herself Following $250 Million Donation

My new name is an enormous honor, and it completely captures Penn's mission as a prestigious research university."


Grandparents Brag That Precious Jacob Is Eligible for Advanced Registration at Penn

The grandparents of Jacob Fitzman (C ’23) gleamed with pride when their precious grandson informed them that he was currently participating in advanced registration for Spring classes. In only a matter of minutes, the entire Fitzman family had received calls to hear the news.


‘I Should Buy a Plant for My Room,' Thinks Soon-To-Be Plant Murderer

Milton, who will purchase a cute little succulent and accidentally kill it within a week, reasoned that a plant would look good in his room and that he could definitely take care of it.


Freshman Realizes Last Night's Hookup Was Neighbor

He stumbled out the door into a very familiar hallway; the door across the hall had a little sign on it that had his name on it. 


Professor with No Laptop Policy Unaware He Is Boring and Unfuckable

Hopefully, it’s not too late to withdraw from the class.


Penn Student Spat on by Coffee Shop Employees past 44th Street

Increasingly fed up with the entitled student body at the University of Pennsylvania, the coffee shop workers by day and political radicals by night native to the West Philly area have taken to retaliatory action


Interview with the Handsome Old Man in Your Lecture

Retired, arthritis-ridden, and almost certainly a billionaire, Mister Riley Johnson takes pride in being an auditor.


History Department Rebrands to Ancient Alien Focus

“Next semester I will be exploring the role that LSD-using aliens had in developing world religions."


Penn Protestors Now Charging For Photographs

Following the posting of a now-viral TikTok video depicting worldwide sweetheart Pamela De La Cruz dancing to obnoxiously loud reggaeton music before a sign that read “Be A Ho No Mo,” the ‘Penn Protesters’ have released a statement of disapproval. “It’s unfair,” said the one who wears the shirt with only 2 slurs on it. “We’re the ones who stand out in the cold all day. We make these signs and practice our preaching, and we’re not even getting a portion of the ad revenue you guys are making?”


New Wharton Class Requirement: 'How to Avoid Conspiring with Foreign Leaders Against American Democracy, Just in Case'

To the dismay of Wharton students, the administration has just added an additional required class for all Wharton undergrads. How to Avoid Conspiring With Foreign Leaders Against American Democracy, or BEPP-650, will be taken by all students during their senior year. Professor Andrew Bui will be teaching the first iteration of the course starting next semester.


Decoding Drunk Text Now Fulfills Language Requirement

“My mom only speaks in drunk texts, so this new DDT class is really exciting for me. I only spoke it a little back at home, so I never really never learned."


BREAKING: CAPS to Be Relocated to Camden

“This location is far enough to provide Penn students with considerable anonymity and close enough for it to technically still be accessible to Penn students."


Ditch the Scale This Thanksgiving by Letting Grandma Tell You That You Look like You've Gained Weight

The winter season can be especially tough for dealing with body image — there’s the constant influx of holiday foods, an overload of social obligations, and the stress of family gatherings, just to name a few. But this year, take one thing off your (metaphorical) plate by ditching the scale.


Jessica Looks Under Table Passive Aggressively, Oblivious Classmate Continues to Tap Stupid Foot

“My stupid neighbor has a stupid foot, and they kept tapping it. So, of course, I looked under the table.” Sources say Jessica really shoved her whole head under there. 


Ok Boomer! Bouncer Won’t Allow Poppers on the Dance Floor

I'll just go buy a drink instead. Excited to join the alcoholic boomer masses.


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