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Report: 90% of the Class of 2023 Learned Good Words from Their Parents' Record Players

In last Thursday’s Democratic debate, former Vice President Joe Biden assaulted the audience’s ears with a two-minute diatribe on everything from racial relations to how to raise your kids. The lesson: make sure the lil fellas listen to the record player so they can hear words.


Insane Willpower: Guy Walks Past DRL Hallway Mirrors Without Stopping to Check Himself Out

It is a universal truth that a Penn student walking past the DRL hallway mirrors wouldn't be able to resist stopping and giving themselves a thorough ocular pat-down.


Freshman Celebrates 3 Birthdays, Graduation Before Her Wawa Mac and Cheese Is Ready

To Brightson, the minutes stretched on like eternities. After ten of them, she started getting sober. After 20, she was painfully sober. After 30, she wondered if she had made a mistake. At the 45 minute mark, Brightson fully gave in, returned home, and collapsed into her bed.


Compensating for Something? Micro Market to Exclusively Stock Magnum XL’s

Because, as you know, people who shop at Micro Mart are anything but micro, in any sense of the word.


Report: Entire Free World Apparently Taking Geology This Semester

DRL A4 looks less like a lecture hall, and more like a Black Friday sale at Walmart.


Trump Now Has a Problem with Children Dying

President Trump, following a wave of vaping related deaths, has issued restrictions that would ban the sale of “flavored e-cigarettes” until their approval by the FDA. "Human children everywhere are saying 'he really cares about the children!'" reported one White House official.


Student in Natural Disturbances and Human Disasters Is a Human Disaster

Talk about a class where you can really learn about yourself! Even better than PHIL 277 Conceptions of the Self, this class literally referenced College junior Gerry Kard in the title.


Williams Hall Ranked Safest Building on Campus

In a surprising 12 place jump, Williams Hall has beat out Van Pelt and Huntsman Hall in the 2019 Daily Pennsylvanian Safest UPenn Academic Building Rankings. 


UTB Writer Joins Opinion, Forced to Mock Own Content

I’ll send you guys my pitches and you go ahead and publish them. I’ll get to work on the parodies.


OP-ED: I Only Go to Metro Because I Love Verbal Abuse

Whenever I ask for a nice chai, I know that I can count on the barista to scoff at my embarrassingly basic taste in caffeinated beverages.


Top 10 Most Hilariously Dumb Penn Course Reviews

Not sure what classes you should take next semester? UTB and your peers have you got covered by revealing the brutal truth behind some of Penn's most popular courses.


Male Professor Talks About Sports

The five-minute conversation consisted of Reed playfully arguing with the four male students in the front row while the rest of the class watched.


Quiz: Is She Ghosting You, or Is She in the Monk Class?

Take this quiz to find out if she's rejecting you with an emotionally devoid tourniquet of silence or if she's actually into you but foregoing technological and verbal communication in the pursuit of deliberate living with her classmates in the monk class.


No More Stairs! Pottruck-Goers Must Now Ascend Rock Climbing Wall to Reach Top Floor

Since the big reveal, fitness nuts from all over have tested their mettle on the facility’s indoor climbing wall in a spectacle of blood, sweat, and tears. Running through their minds is just one simple goal: the resplendent glory of being crowned a fourth-floor fitness king.


This Junior Was the First Mortal to Step Inside the Campus Subway: Here's Her Story

"And yeah, so I’ve been trapped working in this Subway ever since."


This Freshman Vomits from Drinking All the Time and That’s Very Cool and Not Concerning

For Freshman Mike Tannenbaum, his new college hobby has become drinking until he vomits — at least once a weak. According to Tannenbaum's friends, they think it’s so fine and cool he has something he’s passionate about and are happy for him and not concerned.


Rock On! Confused Premed Enrolls in 7 Music Courses

His advisor was AWOL, MIA. His altruistic spirit: crushed entirely to a pulp.


BREAKING: Stanford Bad School

Everyone talks about how Stanford is this really good school, but I don’t really understand it. What makes them so special? Is there something I’m missing here?


Student's Superiority and Inferiority Complexes Oscillating Fast Enough to Produce Constant Contentment

While many of his peers are caught in the trap of either being so confident that they misjudge everything or being so insecure that they can barely get out of bed in the morning, Mung found the perfect solution.


Sad: On Campus Rats Shocked to Learn OCR Isn’t About Them

After years of thinking that the University's infamous On Campus Recruiting program was a celebratory rat-pride week called "On Campus Rats," they recently learned the truth. 


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