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News


Fuck It—Penn to Require On-Campus Housing For-Life

Penn actually cares about us so super duper much. So much, in fact, that they are now requiring on-campus housing for life! We get to live in West Philly for...ever!!!!!!!


The Next Zuckerberg? My LinkedIn Profile Just Got Four Views

Four people—only one of which the website revealed was my mom—glanced over my resume.


Imbecile! Rush Who Dropped Fraternity Expects To Still Be Friends

My real friends have had horse manure thrown at them while drinking Natty Lights.


Justice Served! Penn to Implement “28 Strikes and You’re Out” Policy Towards Racially Insensitive Professors

"We can excuse one or two or ten racially insensitive remarks, but we will draw the line at twenty-eight.  We will not tolerate those who repeatedly—and we mean repeatedly—promote white supremacy."


Observant Instagram User Realizes Friend Group Has Hung Out After Seeing Twenty Reposts of Same Story

Secret hangout uncovered!! Who would have thought? 


Depressed Student Cured After Therapist Tells Her She’s Amazing

Got Depression? Not me!


Meet the Bitter and Unfulfilled Penn Students Who Stared Blankly After I Stuck My Thumbs in My Ears and Made a Funny Face

UTB has secured an exclusive interview with the so-called “Penn students” who witnessed this hilarious gesture, but inexplicably remained stony-faced for the entire duration of the proverbial “show.”


BREAKING: Guy With Something To Prove Wearing Shorts Right Now

According to Dylan, it's all part of the alpha mindset. “If you tell yourself you’re not cold, you won’t be c-c-cold,” he told us, teeth chattering.  


Progressive! Frats Host Anti-women’s Suffrage Fundraiser, Claiming They “Don’t Want Women to Suffer Anymore”

Thanks to this campus-wide fundraiser, Penn fraternities have been able to end women’s suffrage in multiple countries, including Canada, Mesopotamia, Texas, ancient Greece, and the USSR.


Romantic Dating With Breadth vs Depth-First Search Algorithms

You used to be talking to just one person at a time? Now try 5, 10, even 20. Due to the definition of BFS dating, you’d be arriving at the same bases with all 20 of your people roughly around the same time, so that may be confusing.  


OP-ED: They Should Just Stack the High Rises on Top of Each Other

Nothing screams Ivy League like 25 beige stories studded with sparsely dispersed windows, adding some much-needed cement to the historical West Philly landscape. Plus, I often find myself yearning for an elevator ride that’s just a little bit longer.


Punxsutawney Phil Predicts 6 More Weeks of Bitter Suffering

Traditionally, if Phil emerges and sees his shadow, he returns to his hole and that means we can expect 6 more weeks of winter. This year, though, things were different. 


Report: 9 Out of 10 UTB Writers Enjoy Lives of Fame, Luxury, and Excess

To learn more about this phenomenon, we reached out to long-time UTB writer Jim Allen. Although we were unable to secure an interview with him on account of his busy schedule, we were able to gain access to his personal butler, who subsequently handed us a copy of Allen’s itinerary for release to the hoi polloi.


Desperate Sublet Offer Comes With Reduced Rent, Promise of First-born

Students planning on studying abroad in the spring have been shocked to discover that, after a year and a half away from campus and heavy travel restrictions in many overseas countries this past fall, there is practically no one who is only in need of housing for the second half of the year. 


Mathematics Department Eradicated as Everything Revealed to Have Two Sides

Though many students were elated to hear this wonderful news of Penn’s moral progress, a few students, namely heterosexual females who previously listened to Profesor Ghrist’s salacious math videos, were displeased by the news.


Professor Amy Wax Responds to Sanctions by Casting 1,000 Year Curse Upon University

After the decision was publicized, Wax could be seen flying above the Law School skywriting various curses and “SURRENDER SHEEPLE” in black smoke. 


Bitch, You’re My Soulmate: Gutmann and Magill Spotted Together at Euphoria Watch Party

As the Penn community awaits Magill taking over Gutmann’s presidency, many have assumed that tensions between the two women are high. These people are sorely mistaken—the only thing getting high is them! 


Steady, Incompressible, Non-Viscous: Your Ideal Boyfriend, or Bernoulli’s Equation for Fluid Dynamics?

In the expansive world of fluid dynamics, fluid flow can occasionally be idealized by Bernoulli's Equation, which states p + 0.5(ρV^2) + ρgh = c.


Tired Of Boring Campus Scents? Discover New Smells With SEPTA

Are you tired of the musty smell of your Quad room, where the ceiling could cave in at any moment due to the happy little colonies of mold slowly consuming the ceiling like how time slowly consumes your life? 


Productivity Win! Student Finishes One Third of Assignment and Takes Sexy Mirror Pic

Sure, homework is ‘important,’ and there are ‘deadlines,’ but sexy mirror pics are timeless.  I won’t have this bod forever!


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