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2020-2021 Dress Code will Allow Leggings, Tank Tops

Students have been lobbying for this change for years, claiming Penn’s “two-finger” strap width and “no athletic pants” policies are vague, outdated, and originate from elitist, sexist ideologies.


SEPTA to Start Cracking Down on Trolley Drivers Who Aren’t Blackout Drunk

Lindsay Lohan, chairwoman of SEPTA, told Under the Button about the years of high-level thinking that went into this decision: “Our riders expect their trolley rides to be violent, unpredictable, and uncontrollable."


Modern Day Homer? This Student Writes for the Odyssey Online

“I personally think Odyssey is a catalyst for social change,” Parsons said. “There are conversations that people need to be having, like such as about how feminism is just not super important for me personally, and it’s fine if it is for you, but I need you to respect my point of view as a writer.”


Man Playing Devil's Advocate Unaware He Is Devil

“I just feel like we should be listening to ALL worldviews, even the underworld views. Let’s not judge a book by its cover, or a demon by his scales, as I always say.”


Sorority Sister Posts Smiling Date Night Photo Despite Family Being Murdered Minutes Before

“My family did all get murdered, and I didn’t really have a good time dancing or whatever, but at least I got a photo that looked good.” 


Here Is the Midterm Review Without Solutions Because Fuck You

“I don’t have solutions for the packet. I want to prevent cheaters from copying and cheating on this optional, creditless review packet. Have a nice day, and go fuck yourself.”


Helpful TA Wants to Inform You That "You Look Tired"

Surely, we must thank this valiant hometown hero for reminding Karen that the bags under her eyes could carry all of her textbooks at once.


Stealing! How to Simultaneously Manage Your Luxury Water Habit and Subversive Political Beliefs

Breathe easy and rest even easier at night because no one is going to doubt your radical politics anymore. 


Quiz: Do YOU Know the Answers to the Geology Homework?

You know what is so crazy is that I just finished the homework by myself and I was wondering if maybe, if you wanted, you could tell me what the answers are and then I could tell you what answers I got! 


Wellness Win! CAPS to Offer Free Cock and Ball Torture

“Finally!” Rafael Picazso, Wharton ‘23, told UTB reporters. “It’s about time we started getting some actual therapy around here.


Coping With the Loss of Fro Gro: A Photo Tour of the CVS Food Section

With Fresh Grocer closing soon, here's a photo tour of the place where everyone will be headed in the next couple of weeks: the CVS food section.


Ay Bruv! British Student Finds Her Weekend to Be ‘Quite Nice’

British exchange student Jessica Cannon had a “top drawer” weekend. “Lit rally had the time of my lyfe. Last night was a film luv.” said Cannon. “I quite liked it.”


Junior Who Has Never Known Love "Hates Love"

Jennifer Mensito (E '21) "fucking hates" Valentine's Day because "it's fake, and so is everyone."


Engineering Student Only Gets Notifications from Team Snapchat

“I always enjoy Team Snapchat’s messages,” Pon says. “After watching them once, I replay them to watch it again. I hope they don’t mind. I just want to make the most out of it, you know.” 


Guys, Becky’s Lost Her Only Canada Goose Fracket for the Fifth Time, and It’s Sooo Cold

It’s puffy, black, and really warm. It’s got my phone, wallet, and sense of self-worth attached to it so it’s, like, really important that I get it back.


Chunky Filas and Four Other Shoes That Say “My Parents Did Not Show Me Enough Affection”

Worried about the psychic implications of your style? Well, you should be! Here are four other shoes to avoid if you want to keep your inner fragility discreet. 


Paramount Pictures to Remake Sonic Again — This Time Sexier

Paramount has responded to the films flopping by announcing another redesign. This time, Sonic is going to be “sexier.”


Student Beats Dozens of Applicants for Opportunity to Make Penn More Money

“I’m just so excited to be a member of this club,” Lockwood said. “And it is a club, and not just a group of indentured servants working for the same master, because sometimes we have social events.” 


REPORT: Many Horses Are Being Tranquilized on Penn's Campus

We have yet to locate the horse population or reason for its presence and tranquilization, but we are determined to find answers


The Statesman Condemns Penn Democrats for Accepting Student Government Handouts

Describing members as “freeloaders” and “welfare queens,” Statesman Editor-in-Chief Madeleine Jacobs (W ‘21) criticized the group’s status as a SAC-funded group.


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