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News


Meet the Man Loudly Revving His Motorcycle Outside Your Window at 11 PM

What kind of twisted soul enjoys blowing out the eardrums of everyone in a 5-mile radius?


Sasha’s Allergies to Blame for Not Having Class Outside

Some classmates had begun to grow suspicious as Jackson sneezed six times merely during the conversation about possibly moving the class outdoors. 


College Requirements! Learn a Language at a 3rd Grade Level for Only $40,000

Congratulations! You now possess the ability to make all of your native-speaking friends either sympathetic or uncomfortable.


Scene King: Student Owns a Sharpie

Pity us, noble Scene King, ruler of our lands. We worship you and would be honored to kiss the soles of your fucking overpriced shoes, worn simply to flex.


Senior Can’t Satisfy Girlfriend or Sector Requirements

Last weekend he went down on me and when he was ‘done,’ he asked if that could double-count for the rest of the week.


In Wake of UA Elections, Student Body Remembers That It Doesn't Matter

Now, the votes have been cast, and a new board has been selected, and the Undergraduate Assembly can finally return to not impacting the day-to-day life of students as it was designed to do. Finally students can take a deep breath and focus on things that actually matter, ranging from doing laundry to literally anything other than UA. 


Sad: This Girl Needs Drake to Release a New Song Because She’s out of Instagram Captions

Of course, Reynolds could use another artist’s lyrics, or even come up with her own witty phrase, but she has become so used to looking up Drake verses for each post that she can no longer form an original thought.


Roommate Just Fully Nocturnal Now

She began to skip classes and to stay out late with that boy Ben from ZBT. She would come back and do work well into the early hours.


Look Out! Jessica Cut Her Own Bangs

"My dishes in the sink are hairy now.” 


Living in the Past? This Student Is a Classics Major

Sheesh, Joseph — join the 21st century and catfish your mom on Jdate like the rest of us.


Anti-Social Junior Blames Rain for His Lack of Dartying

Aw man! Chris Solomons (C '20) was all ready for a killer Fling weekend until, according to him, the weather had other plans. UTB caught up with Solomons as he reclined in a bean bag chair, a bowl of Chocolatey Chip Teddy Grahams in hand.


Rock Bottom? Stevie Just Gopuff'd Juul Pods to Van Pelt

She had left her pods back at her house on 39th street, and there was no chance she was willing to walk six blocks to pick up a new pod.


OP-ED: Van Pelt Should Be Replaced with a 24-Hour Diner

Until College Green smells like syrup at all hours of the day, this university is not living up to its full potential.


Inventive! Engineer Tries to 3D Print a Personality

This wasn't the first time Crews has attempted to feign likability. Last semester, he tried picking up skateboarding and the guitar, but unfortunately that only further destroyed his social standing, and let’s not get into the time he taught himself to do over 50 fidget spinner tricks.


Unused Yoga Mat Has Now Been Sitting in Woman’s Apartment for 2 Years

Coated in a substantial layer of dust, the Lululemon yoga mat she bought sophomore year rests desolately in the corner of her bedroom closet. It has remained untouched for the past two years — she last attempted to use it at home in November 2016, guided by a soothing Youtube instructional video on her 13” Macbook Air.


Quiz: Does Your Man Have a Future, or Is He Going to Die Tomorrow?

With graduation and the need for finding gainful employment looming over your head for four years, many begin to wonder: does my man have a future?


All Penn Landscaping Decisions Reduced to What Flowers Will Bloom for Quaker Days

The most popular species thus far have been the Growius Fastia, the Comehere Pleas, and the Weare Better Thanyale.


Here Are 5 Puddles You Can Splash Around in Instead of Paying for Pool Party This Fling

Whether you are among the many that couldn’t snatch a ticket or you came to the brave and shocking conclusion that $70 was simply too much to pay to for a pool party without swimming, we have the solution for you.


Girl in Front of You in Class Actually Doing Work so Things Are Probably over with Ben from ZBT

Though Curtain is done squandering her class time on texting Ben from ZBT, she still has not dipped her toes into scholarship on immigration and refugees. She is off to a solid start, though, and is taking baby steps toward her final goal.


Fatality: Five Dollar Spotify Premium Fee Delivers Final Blow to Student's Bank Account

“Spotify taught me the meaning of pain, both physically and financially,” Lucero sighed, his wallet lighter than the AirPods in his ears. “I’m gonna be eating Locust Walk shrubs for days.”


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