After months and months of being held captive by the prison that is closed toed shoes, Jack is finally able to grace us all with his two-year-old pair of Birkenstocks that proudly display his size 11 feet.
Demand for the class is expected to be very high. Wharton sophomore Charlie Kurtis-Thompson said “I heard rumors Alec Baldwin will make a regular appearance.”
He feels closer to God now that he isn’t railing cocaine off of every flat surface he can find, including his roommate’s ass, which he would often do while his roommate was asleep on the couch.
In an interview, Fiorentino revealed how she fell from grace to become Penn's most notorious failure. She reported having spent her senior year religiously adhering to astrology, seeking Twitter fame, listening to Elton John's Crocodile Rock on a loop, and contemplating going blonde (even though she tried it in high school once and "it went horribly").
Between his biannual speaking events with Dr. Gutmann and literally nothing else, the former Vice President of the United States will be walking away from a major role at the University as he sets his sights on the Oval Office.
There are so many opportunities that she should totally have something by now.
The monumental opportunity this provides for the school cannot be understated. Of the Ivy League schools, Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and Columbia all have associations with previous presidents. Biden’s candidacy represents the opportunity for Penn to join the ranks of these other Ivy League schools.
Our curated playlist spans from T-Wayne to Silentó. Acceptable dress can take the form of dressing like you’re in the NBA when you’re really 5’ 7”, cuffed jeans and Stan Smiths, or just head-to-toe Supreme.
I might pop in three times a day to grab a banana from Commons. Lord knows nothing else there is edible.
Are you ready for the most important part of your [INSERT CLASS YEAR HERE] yet?
Never one to settle for the status quo, the junior used his frat's drug-fueled backlot party to his advantage last weekend. While forming lines of cocaine on a picnic table, genius struck.
Under The Button staffers have discovered not a single person in the Penn Bubble knows what FMC stands for. As a result, Provost Wendell Pritchett has decided to officially rename the building, but he needs your help to decide.
The arrest led to the discovery of 400 birds in basement of the suspect’s University City home, along with a map of 30th street station covered in red X’s, noting the spots at which birds have been released.
Members of the Philadelphia chapter of the Eugenicist Values Interest League (EVIL) were spotted in the Towne Building attending a lecture of EAS 203, a mandatory course for all engineering students. Their initial enthusiasm, however, was quickly dampened by the actual contents of the lecture.
Before I discovered Chez Yasmine, I was appalled by Penn's lack of SABSing locations.
Think about your intense, all-consuming crush instead of Jeff. Never confront them and feel constant dread about it because these are your last few weeks with them. Quickly, a dark cloud of imminent regret will envelop you and taint all of your experiences, including your Legal Studies class, instead of Jeff.
Freshman eyewitness, Shawn Lane spoke to the contents of the card. “I was able to get a closer look. The details were something like…” Lane proceeded to draw the notecard on a piece of paper, which we have transcribed below.
Seems like Ole Maxy forgot to come back to the land of the living after pulling an all-nighter working on his valuation of Toys R Us.
He’s a busy, busy boy with many important things to do, and he can’t be bothered to take care of himself or perform basic life functions.
It's just like studying for a test. When you don't pay attention all semester, you cram the night before, and then you get an A.