Yes! 40 Year Old Man Thinks You’re Hot
You really needed something to boost your confidence. And wouldn’t you know, this balding 40-something-year-old man was just the guy to make that happen.
News
Not Exaggeration! Jessica Reporting All Her Friends Hate Her and She Can’t Explain Why but It’s so Obvious
Under the Button is still working to understand the nature of this incident and gain any clarity at all into this developing story.
Yes! 40 Year Old Man Thinks You’re Hot
You really needed something to boost your confidence. And wouldn’t you know, this balding 40-something-year-old man was just the guy to make that happen.
Class Silent After Professor Asks Question About Material Not Covered in Wikipedia Summary
“I’m usually a very active participant in class,” Michaelson said. “But then Professor Chowdry asked about something that wasn’t covered on the 150-word abstract or the Wikipedia page, and that’s really beyond my purview.”
Not Exaggeration! Jessica Reporting All Her Friends Hate Her and She Can’t Explain Why but It’s so Obvious
Under the Button is still working to understand the nature of this incident and gain any clarity at all into this developing story.
Wilcaf Will Offer Cow's Milk for No Extra Charge
Proponents of cow's milk cite the ecological catastrophe that is almond milk, the estrogen content of soy milk, and the gluten in oat milk as reasons for making the switch.
Deadline Extended! You May Now Wait Another Week to Write Our Intern App in One Frantic Evening
You piece of garbage. We know that you haven't even started our application yet, you absolute fucking mess of a human being. What have you even been doing? Homework? A likely story.
"It's Like a Study Group With a House," and 4 Other Ways to Explain Greek Life to Immigrant Parents
4. "Pledging is Just Like the American Immigration Process!"
No, Throwing a Coin Into the Hill Fountain Will Not Get You Into New College House
“Since freshman year, I’ve been throwing all types of coins in there,” said Phenn. “Pennies, dimes, nickels, half-dollars, dollar coins, bitcoins — but nothing has worked."
Eggo of the Week: Cinnamon Raisin Waffle
Meet the Penn senior who combines aromatic spices with dried fruits!
Heartwarming! This Guy "Isn't Even That Mad" Commencement Speaker Is a Feminist
“Yeah, when I heard she was a feminist, I definitely rolled my eyes,” Chad said, shrugging his shoulders, “but I didn’t threaten to boycott the ceremony." He’s so progressive!
Pennsylvania to Go Red After International Student Gets His U.S. Citizenship
Baker, who refused to concentrate in business analytics in order to focus on finance and real estate, applied for citizenship in order to stay at Blackstone in New York for a little longer, but little did he know he would now be able to vote as well!
Gaming Laptop Just Porn Laptop Now
Gone are the days of CS:GO and StarCraft II: Cavalcanti now uses his lil’ battlestation to explore the vast and welcoming realm of digital pleasures.
Oh Goodie! Professor Dunkin Is About to Talk About His Pastoral German Childhood Again
“If you guys thought the midterm was tough, try weeding the entire backyard in time for dinner,” Dunkin reminisced, staring off into the distance. “Now that’s what I call tough.”
On-Campus SHS Location Will Replace Bobby's Burger Palace
According to a statement released on Monday, the powers that be "have decided that the departure of Bobby's Burgers from campus is a well-timed catalyst for the university to implement an extensive plan for improving student wellness."
Wow, This Sophomore Got Altitude Sickness From His Elevated Self-Worth
The doctor continued to explain that despite not having been anywhere with very high or low altitude recently, Brandon’s elevated sense of self-worth had actually given him altitude sickness.
Breaking: Calling Pete Buttigieg a Rat Is Both Good and Cool
In a world fueled by identity politics, it’s only right that we embrace Peet Buuttigieg’s identity as a dirty little rat boy.
Frank Ocean to Headline Spring Fling — Just Kidding, It’s Camila Cabello :(
The entire student and faculty body is required to attend this historic event. This will be Camila’s fiftieth concert of the year. It will not be recorded because nobody would watch it, so make sure to bring your A-game, Penn!
Soy Boy Alert! Soy Milk Revealed to Be a Factor in Debilitating Homosexuality Epidemic
Although scientists are unclear about the exact causal relationship that exists between the two, the data does seem to suggest that there is a clear connection between the consumption of soy milk and the adoption of “homosexual tendencies.”
Uh-oh! Freshman Leaves Gourmet Grocer With Condoms and Peaches
“Wow, your Valentine must really like peaches,” commented a student standing in line behind Pearlmin. Pearlmin turned around and smiled nervously.
BREAKING: Fro Gro Closure Actually an Elaborate Heist to Promote New Trader Joe's Shuttle
A national tragedy has occurred: news has recently come out that Fresh Grocer will be forced to close by none other than Penn’s own Undergraduate Assembly. “Why,” you ask? It’s simple.
Socially-Anxious Sophomore Gets High Off Leaving the Party Early
"I'm going home to watch television! Alone! In my bed!" she says while skipping with glee on the empty and bleak Philadelphia streets, having escaped what seemed like Pascal's cave.
