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News


Student Missing After Daring to Use an Umbrella in the Wind Tunnel by the High-Rises

Please remember to keep your umbrellas closed when walking through the wind tunnel; it is a matter of public safety.


BREAKING: Mask&Wig to Consider Being Funny

“Jokes? What jokes? I don’t write jokes.”


What a Coincidence! Rich Guy in Lecture Has Same Name as This Building!

Maybe he's related.... to the Huntsman family...... No, there's no way. It can't be...


Zoinks! Airpods Already Out of Battery

Despite leaving them in her charging case for thirty-four minutes prior, her milky white listening devices have failed her. 


Whoops: Shabbat Services Devolve into Jews Saying Hi to Each Other Again

Uh-oh… it’s happening again.


Inspiring! Woman Predicts Stimulus Check by Overspending $1200 Last Month

“Yeah, now that I think about it, this global pandemic has actually worked out really well for me.” 


This Positive Psychology Professor Discovered How to Cure Coronavirus With Meditation

Experts have estimated this cure will save at least 100,000 lives worldwide.


Innovative Fraternity Hosts Gatsby-Themed Mixer

Sentano hinted at the possibility of a prohibition-themed mixer that could take place in the near future, but would not confirm anything because, "we don't want anyone else to steal our idea."


Sophie Seems A Little Too Comfortable in Front of Her (1080p) Webcam

Even more apparent was her perfect 1080p 60fps video quality. It was top-of-the-line image perfection with every detail perfectly outlined on camera.


Penn Cracks Down on Visiting Other People's Animal Crossing Islands

"By visiting others, you could be putting yourself — and your loved ones — at risk, no matter how fun it is to break all your friends' rocks and run around whacking them with a net. Believe me, I know.”


CVS on 40th to Rebrand As 'Ye Olde Apothecarie Shoppe'

Per medical guidelines, Scorpios will not be allowed on the premises.


White Man’s Burden! Tommy Just Got a Podcast

College senior Tommy Anderson just got a podcast, and you’re gonna fucking listen to it.


Girl Not Answering Your Texts During Quarantine Probably Just Busy

If she had seen the "hey" that you sent four days ago at 3:24 A.M., blind drunk off of eight dollar Pinot Grigio and loneliness, she absolutely would have responded. Right?


Graduation Can Be In Person, But Everyone Must Be In Giant Hamster Balls

Most human-sized hamster balls have a 2-meter diameter, so you'll always be following CDC guidelines!


Breaking the Toilet: Lactose Intolerant Jessica Orders Another Whole Milk Latte

We emailed Wharton sophomore Justin Verdaux about his perspective on the (fecal) matter.


Penn Med Study Finds U.S. Only 5 Hours Behind Italy

The United States is as few as five hours behind Italy, and even fewer hours behind other countries.


PSA: You Should Probably Wash Your Towel Now

I know this is going to be hard for you to hear, but the time has come for you to take that towel and put it on the floor to be washed a month from now when you get to it. 


OFFICIAL SPRING 2020 GREEKRANK RANKINGS FLOORS OF VAN PELT (OFFICIAL)

Let’s be honest, this is how it is. This is probably going to be downvoted by the 4th floor but everyone knows they’re social climbers.


Students Denied From Frat-Sponsored Zoom Party

By midnight, the party was at maximum capacity and the poor west coast students, whose nights were just starting, were locked out from joining in the call.


Get Him! This Engineering Student Thinks JoJo's Bizarre Adventure Is Just “okay”

It’s high time we show him what happens when he messes with engineering students.


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