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American Public Schools to Offer Big Mouth as Health Ed. Replacement

While Big Mouth was surely developed to be watched in private by ad audience of frustrated adults who never received proper health education, its purpose is being shifted this week to the source of the epidemic: kids who never received proper health ed.

The Buddha Came Home from His Nepalese Gap Year and Won’t Shut up About Buddhism

Gautama decided to escape his hometown and spend a year in a rural Nepalese village after growing sick of privileged palace life. There, Gautama shaved his hippie locks, spent his time living with the locals, and truly understanding his responsibility as a global citizen.

Penn Females Boycott Parties, Shutting down Ratios and Party Culture

“I just need a female to come with me to a party so I can get in,” said Engineering freshman Lars Arshul. “I genuinely enjoy a female’s company, and I’m totally not using her as a tool for my own enjoyment or anything.” 

Frat Too Cool to Mix with Any Women

“We realized that we’ve just been getting cooler and cooler all the time, but everyone else has been pretty much standing still."

Amy and Her Friends 'Just Went to New York' over Fall Break

After taking a particularly fire photo in front of a garish M&M billboard, Amy decided that she had found a new profile pic for Facebook. 

Bloomers Show Fails to Pass the Bechdel Test

That's all good and well, but, despite an all-female cast, the Bloomers show failed to pass the Bechdel Test. Even though every actress on stage was a woman, every skit was centered around a man, his penis, and how that penis potentially might be shrunken down to nothing.

Students Reserve Group Study Room to Study Individually Together

In an effort to squeeze a social life into the Penn academic schedule, students have begun to reserve group study rooms just to study individually together. “I think it’s a really effective way of socializing. I say hi to my friends when I enter the room, sit down, and start studying,” said junior Arseh Ole.

Poor, Tattered Soul Bound to Commons Until She Eats Money's Worth

The cause of Nunez’s curse was the fact that nothing at 1920 Commons is technically edible. 

YouTube Commenter Can’t Decide If He Wants to Be Racist or Nostalgic Today

On Tuesday night, Youtube commenter YungWiz69 sat listlessly at his computer and tried to think of what to comment on Katy Perry’s official music video for 2010 hit “Firework". How did he feel? Like a plastic bag. “I just couldn’t decide,” YungWiz69 later told UTB. “Did I want to write ‘like this comment if you’re still listening to this in 2019!!’ or did I want to say ‘the worst part of this video is the gays.’ How do I choose!”

Crazy: This Guy on Locust Asked Me If I Wanted Double Penetration

Just because I can get it does not mean that it’s acceptable to hit on me. Although I was secretly very flattered to be asked if I wanted double penetration in broad daylight, that does not mean that the comment was appropriate.

Penn Museum to Rebrand Itself as 'Interesting'

In an article earlier this month, the Daily Pennsylvanian reported that the renowned Penn Museum was “rebrand[ing] itself as a ‘gift to the city’ after recent renovations.”

Sophomore Assures Friends That He’s Cuter in Real Life

She scrolled through his Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and Pinterest to find a flattering, non-blurry picture of his face from the past three years to no avail. All she could find were group pictures from his middle school soccer team and blurry Photo Booth selfies with the sepia filter.

Creative Writing Professor Gives Student’s Childhood Trauma a B

“The part where he watches his childhood best friend die from a grand mal seizure was not particularly compelling. His grandfather’s ongoing battle with dementia, juxtaposed with his brother’s debilitating opioid addiction was a nice thought, but not successfully executed.” 

BREAKING: Meet at the Tampons for Some Club Hazing

Plan to be done with all this around 11:00 P.M. That's when we'll be done yelling at you for being new. Expect us to look at our friends for reassurance as we scream at you — we don't know what we're doing! 

International Student Brands Himself as Gift to the City

“I am looking to raise the visibility of Philadelphia as a city,” said Guinness to his international vlog channel, blowing a puff of a sexy Parliament cigarette.

After BioPond Development, Penn Reaffirms Commitment to Green Space with Marijuana Dispensary

In a bold move, the Penn administration has opted to pave over the BioPond, because "nature is gross." After widespread outcry from the student body, the administration has decided to placate protesters by building a marijuana dispensary next to the nice parking lot where the BioPond once stood.

Quiz: Is This Karma? Or a Direct Consequence of Your Actions?

Are you someone who frequently has bad luck? Do things just never go your way sometimes?

A Freshman's Guide to All the Fraternities on Penn's Campus

There’s the one on Locust, and the other one on Locust, and the other one on Locust, and maybe another one on Locust? Do not confuse these with the M&T building. M&T is the most exclusive frat of all. 

Unpaid Alien Intern Who Runs Our Simulation Starting to Get Worried

"I designed you guys to be intelligent, creative and compassionate. You’ve had a pretty good run so far — discovering fire, inventing the wheel, embracing democracy and all that. Very cool stuff. But what the fuck is going on? You’re destroying your planet, World War 3 is about to break out, and racism is somehow still a thing? I thought I patched that out a while ago."

Penn Orchestra Stuns with Flawless Rendition of 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star'

According to conductor Jamie Coppola, the orchestra had been rehearsing for the minute-long performance since early last year. “The piece is no joke. Technically speaking, it’s up there with Shostakovich’s Fifth,” Coppola remarked with watery eyes. “I was nervous as all hell, but I knew I could rely on my students to pull through.”