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News


Economic’s Stem Classification Paves Way for New Stem Astrology Major

There will be labs in palm readings and blaming your bad parking on being a Pisces. Instead of a textbook, professors will assign daily readings on CoStar and group presentations assigned based on your Moon compatibility.  


Get Fucked, Idiots! The P Stands for Penis

Now every time you rep the Red and Blue, you’re actually repping some collegiate chode! 


An Ivy League Student’s Guide to Reading Analog Clocks

Try saying “quarter to twelve”, “half-past ten”, or “a third into fourteen.” These phrases will throw that unwieldy math back at your audience, forcing them to be the ones to struggle with fractions.


Trump to Pass New Stimulants Package

Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi were upset that this package was detracting publicity away from their months of hard work on the stimulus package, but then they both did a line of cocaine and felt a lot better!


Breaking: Second Lockdown! Not Like You Losers Had Friends Anyway

Few words can comfort, but take solace in the fact that you were kind of a loser anyway.  


The Effects of Global Warming: Students No Longer Returning to Nest on College Green

Crikey, this is sad. To see such a luscious pasture transform into a barren moonscape, devoid of life. Maybe they’ll come back if we scatter some poppers on the ground. Haha, I don’t know!


Emaciated Husk of a Human to "Finish Semester Strong"

Willie Abbott (C ‘22), who has juggled a 5.5 credit course load, familial obligations, and latent mental illness for the past couple of months, is reportedly ready to end this year on a good note.


Student Spotlight: Penn Undergrad The Lorax Accepts Internship At ExxonMobil

Would you rather have that nasty oil in the ground? / Or have it used for sweet, sweet energy all around?


Student Combines Everyone's Canvas Discussion Comments Into One Ultimate Comment At the Last Minute

Both sides presented very compelling points. I totally agree. 


Student With Imposter Syndrome Spotted Faking Tasks

He could just be intimidated by the intense culture here, and I don’t blame him for covering up when Penn Face is so bad these days.


Pretty Rainbow WordArt and 5 Other Ways To Gently Tell Yourself That Penn Won't Be Reopening in January

You’re all thinking it, and you’re all too afraid to say it.


Dean Furda's Spirit Emerges As Student Repeatedly Chants “Interdisciplinary” Into Mirror

The lights flickered, curtains billowed, and a faint “Hurrah, hurrah, Pennsylvan-i-a” wailed in the distance. 


Excited for New Years? So Is Satan as He Sets Clock Back One Year to Repeat Hell Loop

When asked to comment, he told UTB that he didn’t really want to spoil any big surprises for 2020 2.0, but wants to bring back one of his favorite characters from the past in a big way: the killer clowns of 2016. 


Gregory College House to Finally Get Air Conditioning in 2087

"Since we kicked kids off campus this semester, they will be so desperate to move into on campus housing that they won't even have time to complain about the lack of AC," explained Gutmann.


US Joins Haiti, Iraq, and Other “Shithole Countries” in Anti-Abortion Coalition

“By signing such a staunchly medieval declaration with authoritarian regimes, the United States itself is becoming a shithole country,” said Pompeo. “And now that we are a shithole country, people from other shithole countries won't want to immigrate here anymore. The plan is flawless.”  


International MGMT Group Member Still Confuses Peru, Maine and Peru, South America

Group 33 was baffled at the sheer ability to make a mistake that damn brainless, especially considering the first line of the article she cited was “Our company is launching to Peru, Maine (not to be confused with the country Peru for you special dumbasses)!” 


Professor Plans to Give Exam Grade Back at Worst Possible Moment

What most people never realize is that professors actually plan out for weeks the exact moment to release grades in order to cause the most heartbreak possible. It’s not easy to release your failed exam grade minutes after the pass fail deadline closes, it takes hard work and dedication to the craft.  


BREAKING: Canvas Latest Platform to Introduce “Stories”

One student who was in beta-testing shared: “At 3 AM every night I post videos of myself crying to Hozier or Phoebe Bridgers while struggling to write 10-page essays. I see others post similar stories. It’s incredibly depressing… but, hey, at least we are in this together <3"


Top Priority for Diversity and Inclusion Board: Defund PPD, Invest in Straight Grindr

Plans for development include neural networking image recognition that filters out users that look too homosexual, ensuring this app is a safe space for normal people.


Black Friday? Why Isn’t There White Friday? #WhitePower

 After Thanksgiving where the whites celebrate the spreading of smallpox to the indigenous population of North America and giving thanks to God for letting them slaughter and enslave, the whites deserve to celebrate by buying a huge discounted TV that they can eat their unseasoned microwave dinners in front of.  


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