News


World-Renowned Guest Lecturer Has Record High Attendance of Students Texting on Laptops

At Penn, guest lectures are often viewed as skip days for that class, or, at the very least, a nap period.


Fine Arts Student Discovers Abstract Algebra has Nothing to do With Abstract Art

Panic quickly devolved into horror in class today as fine arts major April Hubman (C’20) suddenly realized that the abstract algebra class she was in had absolutely nothing to do with abstract art. 


Not Just the Compass: Freshman Think Tank Devises New Excuses for Failing Entire Classes

Penn is all about tradition, and the traditions we make together are those which will define us for generations to come.


Student Gives Peers Exactly Two Minutes to Get Their Clothes from the Dryer Before He Takes Matters into His Own Hands

“Two of the dryers finished drying, can the owners come pick their clothes up,” Werfel wrote passive-aggressively, phone in one hand, stopwatch clutched in the other. “I will wait two minutes before I take matters into my own hands and place them on the counter."


‘Ow! My Pee! It Burns!' and 7 Other UTI-Related Exclamations to Ward off That Creepy Guy at the Bar

Bring out the big guns and use one or many of these UTI-related exclamations to ward off that creepy guy.


Wilcaf Baristas Misunderstand 'Cuffing Season,' Cuff Jeans Instead

As cuffing season approaches, more and more desperate Penn students find themselves settling for relationships with mediocre hookups.


Squirrels’ Pick: Garbage Truck Best Food Truck at Penn

The Garbage Truck has provided undergraduate squirrels, graduate squirrels, and squirrel faculty with delicious, fresh, and cheap eats. 


Real-Life Sophie's Choice: Kristen Can't Choose Between Offers at Bain and McKinsey

Recruiting is rarely kind to anyone.


BREAKING: Piazza Response Not Entirely Passive Aggressive

"I remember asking a question about a homework problem, and a gentleman replied by asking me 'What does it mean to know?'"


Meal Prep God! Girl Puts 7 Water Bottles in the Fridge

Ashley Banks (C ‘20) really wants to save money this semester.


Stop the Presses: Girl With 178 Free T-Shirts Denounces Free T-Shirts

Carol Brown began her collection with her college house t-shirt on her first day on campus.


Senior Wants to 'Travel the World' as Long as That World is Within Western Europe

“I just feel like I have a wandering spirit. I can’t be tied down.” 


Freshman Who Has Kept Busy Workload 'Totally Under Control' Unaware that Laundry has Overflowed, Caught on Fire

Freshman Tanner Johnson (W '22) knew that when he came to Penn, the workload would be difficult.


‘Student Athlete' Misses Group's Meeting for 4th Week in a Row to Participate in Fantasy Football Game

Johnny Lawson (C '21) takes a sip of gatorade. It’s the fourth quarter, he’s down eight points and it all comes down to this.


'I Kissed a Girl at a Party Once,' Says Woman Applying to Goldman Sachs Pride Summit

It’s official: Katie Landman (W ’21) is now Penn’s female queer icon.


Amazing: Senior Just Took a Major W on Transcript

After weeks of non-stop recruiting and programming assignments, the NETS major decided he needed to take a W.


Study Finds Cocaine Usage Plummets in November Due to Increase in Icky Nose Boogers

"Frankly, we are shocked by these findings. We always thought sniffling when it gets a little chilly was a result of cocaine usage."


University Follows Penn Students’ Abbreviation Obsession: Purple Replaces Red and Blue as Official School Color

Reaction to the change has been mixed. Much of the outcry has come from alumni who had just bought red and blue apparel for their two-month-old children.


Advanced Registration Fail: Freshman Still Trying to Find Course Codes for Lunch and Recess

For Engineering freshman Jasper Tisdale, the two weeks allotted for this task still won't be enough. 


Math 508 Midterm Literally Just Getting Crushed by a Falling Anvil

With midterm season in full swing, many Penn professors are looking for innovative ways to make things more interesting for themselves.


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