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News


Oh No, Our Pledges Just Unionized

First, they demand to be “treated like humans”. What type of communist bullshit is this? 


BREAKING! Toys R Us to Rebrand to Women B Shopping.

Women Do B Shopping Sometimes.


Oh Wow! Question Somehow Manages to Fall Below “No Stupid Questions” Threshold

“If I’d known that I had such dipshits in my class, I would’ve blocked off questioning entirely.”


SHOCKING: Students Question Reality as Campus Wi-Fi Functions for 5 Consecutive Minutes

We recognize that this may be the last UTB article you ever read, and we ever write; in that spirit, remember, as you are consumed by the void, that life was always meaningless.


'Good Work, Team' Says Guy in Your Recitation Who Ignored All Your Suggestions

What he lacks in experience, competence, and general knowledge from the reading and/or lecture, Josh more than makes up for in confidence. 


Op-Ed: Front Row Texters Should Be Compensated as Honorary Lecturers

Perhaps with incentive, they could teach professors to intentionally reveal their Grindr histories and takeout orders while lecturing about far less riveting topics like Oscar Wilde.


BREAKING Report: Huntsman Building Was Shaped to Reinforce Penn’s Phallocentrism

The debate is fierce ... the question is, what would you do?


New Waste Reduction Initiative Requires Students to Eat Out of Dining Hall Workers’ Cupped Hands

The sustainability team also encourages sucking their fingers clean in order to get every last tasty drop.


If Wharton Students Are Competent, Why Do They Have Seating Charts?

Wharton has actually seen such success with their seating charts that they are publishing some new classroom policies. In Wharton classes, you now have to raise your hand when you want to use the bathroom and at the end of the semester if you get good grades you can go to the scholastic book fair.


Local White Kid Confused After Not Being Given ‘Priority Access’ to Club Applications

If you can support in any way, he'll take donations by check. 


REPORT: COVID Spit Tests Longer Than 20 Seconds Indicate Head Game Weak

“It’s important that we know all we can about COVID,” said the lead researcher, “And even more important that we have an objective metric to determine who gives the best sloppy toppy.” 


Finally! Penn Dedicates Unimaginable Sums of Money to Some Ill-defined, Abstract Goal

 “We have a lot of money, and we will use it,” Director of Money Julia Stevenson proclaimed in her statement.


Architecture Student Fatally Misunderstands "Flipped Classroom"

Chan had spent the night unbolting all tables and chairs from the floor, hoisting them up, and rebolting them to the ceiling. u00a0


How To Gentrify Your Roommate’s Side of the Room

Rent her bed out to your much wealthier, whiter Drexel friends.


Misogynist? This Male Professor Assigns Female Students Homework

We have to draw a line somewhere.


Woah! Guy Wearing Shirt with Garish, Unique Pattern

An abstract take on polkadot? A paisley messiah?


Oh Gosh: Frat Boy Unsure Whether it’s Demeaning to say ‘Woman’

If you could spare a moment and explain everything ever to me, that’d be awesome.



Mask and Wig to Accept Women, Only if They're Hot Though

Penn’s Mask and Wig Club, the oldest all-male collegiate musical comedy troupe in the United States, will welcome members of all genders for the 2022-2023 academic year, as long as they are physically attractive to current members.


Climate Week: Residential Halls Replace Toilet Paper With Sandpaper to See if Anyone Notices

Yes, it's good for the environment. Who needs beaches anyway?


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