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How to Cook Your Chonky Seal

When you cook your Chonky Seal, you’re going to want to put virgin olive oil in the pan and let it warm. Throw a few crushed cloves of garlic and let it cook until translucent.  


Chris Wallace Finally Understands How All Women Feel Trying To Speak in Group Discussions

”Every time I tried to get a word out, another white guy was interrupting me. I felt like a woman trying to talk in a humanities class!“


“Bad Things Happen in Philadelphia,” Said Every Penn Student Ever

“Sure, the greater Philadelphia area faces an opioid epidemic, but the real crime is my dealer trying to charge me $100 for a gram of coke.”


J. Crew to Start an Onlyfans

“It’s more of a plan D than anything. Plans A through C fell through because they involved actually selling clothing.”


Jenna Still Haunted by Guilt From Leaving Fish in Dorm for Spring Break

What was worst of all by far, was that the moving crew felt the need to ship Bubbles back to her in the same box as her winter coats. 


Battered and Bruised Ben Stiller Spotted Crawling Outside Penn Museum: "I Gotta Save the Exhibits!"

Stiller: [Gesturing wildly to the Cloisonne Lion statues] "Do you see these guys? Huh?! Do you have any idea what these bastards did to me last night?!"


4 Pictures of Expired Milk That Will Make You Say 'That's Not Expired Milk. That's DNC Presidential Nominee, Joe Biden'

This picture might look like expired milk, but what I imagine this picture smells like and what I imagine Joe Biden smells like are exactly the same. 


Student Takes Multiple Showers to Avoid Family

"I kinda felt bad about it at first because I am an Environmental Studies Major. And I feel like I'm killing the dolphins. But you know what? Fuck the dolphins. They can swim away from their family and I can't!" 


Hot Girl Erasure: I Turn My Camera Off During Zoom Classes

Maybe I'll just enter the call without video but put "I'm a 10, btw" in the chat.


Friendly Reminder: John Quiñones Brought You Into This World, and He Can Take You Out of It

Just accept it already: all the world’s a stage, and we are no more than John Quiñones’ unknowing play-things.


Ben on the Bench Gets His Revenge, Awakens to Piss on Students

I approached the bench, unbuttoned, ready to wizz... when Ben hopped up shouting, "Enough of this shit. I'm going to make y'all as wet as my old French mistresses!" Breeches down, he soaked us with 33 years of alcohol-infused piss.


Confused Man Mourns Loss of BLT on Supreme Court Steps

Upon hearing of the death of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, affectionately called "RBG," hundreds flocked to the supreme court steps to honor her memory. But one man, Barry B. Fuddled went to the supreme court steps to honor another fallen hero, or so he thought. 


Pandemic Doing Wonders for Students’ Growing Dislike of Others

Pandemic hatred is a perfect excuse to cut out all the annoying acquaintances in your life and those few unfortunate anti-mask friends that you let slide before. 


Student Excited to be Back Making Direct Eye Contact with Self for 15-25 Hours a Week

Since getting back in the swing of things, Garcia has taken great pleasure in closely examining her eyebrows throughout her statistics class.


BREAKING: Mitch McConnell Being a Fucking Jackass Hypocrite Baboon

Inhumane canker blossom of slimey puss and stink cow piss and shit sick to the sight jello-brain poisonous bunch-backed toad faithless hopeless dumb-monger goatish deformity of upside-down broken inverted nonexistent logic with strawberry ice cream innards 


Big Win! Mom Said I Get to Pick Out a Special Treat at the Grocery Store

I waited patiently as we put eggs, milk, and butter in our cart. I watched cautiously as my mom put fruits and veggies into our cart. By the time Mom put the bread in the cart I was getting antsy. I couldn't stop thinking about my special treat.


Penn Mandates Drexel Shirts When Partying

 “So please, for the safety of the school, wear a Drexel T-shirt when you go out, and don’t forget…..Go Dragons!"


Frat Pong Table Wonders Where Everyone Went

The table missed seeing the frat guys slowly develop hearing loss and miss their shot with girls every weekend. It was like the whole house left without even saying goodbye. 


Impressive! This Student Is Fulfilling Their Language Requirement By Talking Shit About Their Housemate

Language is a beautiful way to connect with others, and I can’t wait to use my linguistic skills to tell the world how much of an absolute bitch my housemate is.


Study Shows Boyfriend Really Good at Using Computers

The sleek metal, cold to the touch and coursing with Apollonian energy, feels alien to the gays and girls’ empathetic faculties. Some are also just simply “too hot” to reduce themselves to using technology on a consistent basis. 


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