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BREAKING: If Wendell Pritchett Sees His Shadow, We Get Vaccines Before May

Last year, when he didn’t see his shadow, Pritchett announced that all students should rapidly abandon campus and finish the semester online. 

New Seasonal Starbucks Menu To Come!: Vaccine Boost for 10¢ or Adderall Pump for 15¢

Saving lives, making addicts, that's the Starbucks guarantee! 

No, Seriously. Why Is Every TA Hot?

My sources tell me that I need to contact the professor if I’m interested in becoming a teaching assistant, but as a pretty person, I’ve never been one to have to ask for what I want.

Amy Gutmann Spotted Maskless in Van Pelt Recharging Her Batteries

This past Sunday Penn Police were anonymously tipped by a few students who said they saw “blinding flashes” and heard “what sounded like Optimus Prime ripping a bandaid off his genitalia” coming from VP 4th floor.

Good for Her! DP Commenter Says She Makes $250 An Hour From Home

According to Saqi, the work is “so easy”, consisting mainly of “copying and pasting”, “sipping martinis”, and “going on luxury cruises across the world”. How didn’t I think of this sooner?

Jobless Senior Discovers Selling Out Is Actually Hard

 “Why did no one tell me?” she groaned.  

After Complaints Over Lack of Fun In-Person Activities, Penn Introduces Locust Walk Slip N’ Slide

“Slipping and sliding with all my new friends made me realize the tuition really was worth it,” freshman Colin Mann said.

Wharton Latino Elects Its First Ever Italian-American President

“My great grandfather was Italian, and I absolutely LOVE going to Latin BBQ every year. It’s one of my favorite Penn traditions,” stated White.

UTB Writer Not Funny Anymore After CAPS Therapy Session

Especially in these unprecedented times, CAPS is more committed than ever to creating a safe and caring environment for Penn’s diverse student body. 

Heartwarming! Ted Cruz Boiled Mexican Tap Water In Solidarity

“It means a lot to me,” says Texas native, Sammy Rodriguez (W ‘23). “You know, my family in Austin has been really struggling to stay warm and find drinkable water, so to see Senator Ted Cruz take 5 minutes out of his vacation time to boil a pot of water is truly heartwarming. I’m sure it’ll mean a lot to my family too once their power comes back on.” 

BREAKING: Wharton Just One UTB Article Away from Complete Ruin

Oh, the humanity! I can’t bear to watch. Prepare yourselves — we are about to have a very large pile of rubble and cocaine on our hands. 

Stinky Little Sophomores Get Another Year With the Trough

Slurp, slurp, you disgusting soon-to-be sophomores. Don’t throw out your straws and shovels just yet — Amy Gutmann announced that it’s another year of the trough for you pathetic, pasty piggies. 

BREAKING: Dining Dollars to Become Official Currency of Philadelphia

If Penn hopes to achieve economic and political sovereignty, we must start by taking over the economy of Philadelphia.

Report: Besties Who Slay Together Stay Together

Statistically significant results found that a maximized joint slay between besties resulted in loving and long-lasting relationships. No joint slay? The results were much more ominous for these besties.

Wild! Despite Student Body Twitter Presence, High Schoolers Still Think Penn Is Cool

It doesn't matter if @homewrecker69 Tweets "P*nn sucks because it's so elitist," seniors will keep applying.

Stoner Freshman Excited For Pot Truck Reopening

"I knew that Penn had a wide variety of food trucks. But of all the colleges that I considered, Penn was the only college that had a marijuana truck,” said Thead. 

Forehead, Nose, Tongue, and Other Creative and Sanitary Ways to Press Elevator Buttons

Some may notice that the penis is notably missing from this list. We suggest that you do not use your penis to press elevator buttons, since that would be incredibly unsanitary and indecent.  

Valentine’s Gay! Why Celebrating Love Makes You a Sissy

All the beta males are going to be bending over backwards in hopes of a quick "slip 'n slide" if you know what I mean ;). It takes a true Chad to realize that Valentine's day is in fact gay and therefore bad.

Report: CIS Major in Your Japanese Class Definitely Has No Ulterior Motives Whatsoever

Kyle, who typically takes on a workload of six-and-a-half STEM classes, has made the bold choice this semester to enroll in an introductory course in the Japanese department.

Instagram to Add Warning Before Any Happy Couple Post

The warning text reads “Happy couple alert! They might be kissing, holding hands, or proposing. Are you sure you’re mentally stable enough to feel the weight of your own loneliness?”