“Ending the University’s support of fossil fuels has always been a priority of ours,” she said as the Board of Trustees giggled behind her. 

A halal cart menu hack! 

“We project that [Josh Williamson’s] life satisfaction will truly reach a global maximum at 2:23 am tonight,” says Dr. Michael Harrison, director of the Center for Lost Connections and Lifelong Regrets.

No like genuinely why do they always smell like salty day-old spinach

Hell yeah. I see you, brother. I come to you. One day I will weep for this. 

Schmitt founded the Treble Cough acapella group to do just that: amplify the sounds of Penn’s most prolific disruptive coughers.

After all, her son was both an Economics major and a short king. Legend.

Eyewitnesses report a shorter woman in a trench coat throwing shoes on wires in an attempt to change the campus's optics.

I don’t know what they’re saying or what Pepas means, but right at that moment, this shindig became legendary.

He got a FAANG acceptance!

According to a tiny, fine-print line written in the Constitution by our Founding Fathers, it states We MUST Not Edge for Political Gain.

More advanced features from Google rumored for the near future include the ability to upload your ex’s class schedule into the app for Google’s AI to predict where they might be walking — and to direct you away.

 “Long live Xi Jinping Thought!” proclaimed Liz Magill.

Confucius will replace Beth Winkelstein, bioengineering professor and interim provost. Confucius will be the first Chinese, first Confucian, as well as the first non-living individual to serve as Penn provost. 

Go ahead, google what a lien is.

Quaint and comfy, this basement is complete with visible wall insulation, industrial chic lighting, and bare concrete floors.

 I am “your cousin Kevin” now, bitch.  

This is insane. This morning, at the Starbucks on 34th and Walnut, I had an experience that was beyond life-changing.

Please, follow us through our journey to what we like to call The Alps of Eastern Pennsylvania… or… The Poconos.

In an official statement, Magill responded to critics: “To our activists of color, I hear you. I am listening. Next time, I will try and listen a little more closely, though — I think I know what PILOTs are now.”