How to Adjust Your Velcro Shoes During a Midterm
Slowly undo the velcro on both shoes. Really draw it out so that people will think that you’re done before hearing even more separating velcro.
Most Recent
I Love Exploring Philly. Have You Been to Parc?
Basically, what I’m saying is that I know how to appreciate living in Philadelphia. I explore, and sometimes I take pictures since I like to document the neat things I see.
Penn to Divest from Fossil Fuels
FFP is part of a larger international divestment movement, led by 350.org. Since its inception seven years ago, the campaign has been so effective in moving capital away from the fossil fuel industry that it was cited by Peabody Energy as one of the primary reasons they were forced to declare bankruptcy in 2016.
Frontera Order Taking Even Longer Than Usual
On March 6th, Grace Qi (C '21) ordered a chipotle chicken torta with a side of chips and guacamole from Frontera. For the last seven months, she has been waiting for her order on the ground floor of Arch Cafe. For over half a year, she has subsisted solely on chip crumbs and rats she managed to capture from the Frontera kitchen area.
Taking Econ? Sorry, Nerd, Me and My Friends Were Busy Being Sexy
You probably look up to Elon Musk, yeah?
'It's Not a Frat House, It's a Frat Home,' Says Freshman with Quasi-Stockholm Syndrome
Upon further inquiry into Staleman’s life at home, Staleman replied “I would drink piss for my boys. I have drunk piss for my boys! And I don’t even mean natty lite bro. Piss into my mouth, bro! Do it, bro!”
OP-ED: Phew at Least We’re Showing up Late Together
Oh hey! Are you also heading over to class now? Sweet me too. I was worried I was going to be late, but you’re here too.
Sophomore off Meal Plan Will Totally Save Bank Purchasing Flamin' Hot Cheetos in Bulk
Me purchasing Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and making them my exclusive energy source is the pinnacle of economic efficiency.
Franzia Unveils New Boyfriend-Sized Bag of Sunset Blush
It has everything a single Penn student could want: the proportions of a 21-year-old male and 2,400 fluid ounces of crisp rose. It’s just like your old boyfriend except it’s full of bad wine instead of a bad personality.
Duality of Woman! Chloe Went to the Climate Strike but Doesn't Know How to Recycle
Chloe Jameson (E ’20) is one of many participants. You can find her sitting cross-legged in College Hall, demanding Penn’s divestment from oil, coal, and gas companies, chanting about the looming threat of sea-level rise. But, what if you ask her which bin to put a crumpled sheet of paper in? Expect a blank stare in return.
Op-Ed: Do My Roommates Have Terrible Taste in Music or Do I Just Hate Them
Picture this: I’m sitting in my room and I hear music through the wall, coming from the shared living space in this house. I wouldn’t describe the music as pleasant. In fact, it was absolutely heinous. Usually, I’m a pretty considerate roommate. Low maintenance. Chill. But if I have to listen to this playlist for another second of my life, I’m going to fucking lose it.
How a Slight Nod and Penn Maintenance Shirt Got Me into Castle
I can honestly report that Castle parties really aren’t that great — people just asked me if I could unclog the upstairs bathroom drain.
OP-ED: I Downloaded TikTok Because I Am a Sadomasochist
I now stare at my phone for hours, laughing at videos that are nearly identical.
Quiz: What Does Your PennID Say About Your Future?
Step right up and experience the interactive fortune-telling magic brought to you by UTB! It’s simple: all you need to do is enter your 8-digit PennID into the box below, and you will receive your own unique, personalized fortune. Will you be wealthy? Will you find love? I don’t know!
Report: New UTB Staff Writer Patrick Rich Actually Very Cool, Nice
Several informants confirmed that Patrick could often be seen looking cool while being nice to people around campus.
Penn Baseball Loses Fall Scrimmage to Mr. Richard’s 4th Grade Team
After tying the game 2-2, things went downhill fast for Penn. In the top of the 4th inning, Mr. Richard sent the hounds. With their three best hitters up to bat next, the team of scrappy, prepubescent boys put up eight runs in that inning alone, essentially ending the game.
BREAKING: Congress Confirms United States a Mistake
On Friday, the details for dismantling the United States were summarized, but the full report won’t be released until the following month.
Deeply Misguided Professor Thinks Students Will Finish Book Each Week
McElhanney adopted the misguided idea that his students had the time or desire to read a book a week after gaining tenure and forgetting the feeling of stress.
To the Boy I Saw on Locust Reading a Book Called ‘the Laws of Murder’: Pretty Sure the Law Is ‘No Murder’
Seriously, name another law of murder. “Don’t murder”? “Stop murdering people”? “Murder is bad, don’t do it please”? They all boil down to the same thing, friend. I think you get where I’m going with this.
