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Annoying! Free Club Flyer Also Has Water Bottle Attached

Listen: no matter how many interesting club flyers with compelling graphics and acerbic, forward-thinking puns you hand me, you will never convince me to take your filthy water bottles. 

Witchcraft! Roommate Brews Potion by Letting Pot Sit On Stove for a Week

1 onion (medium finely diced) 2 cloves garlic (large chopped) ¾ cup dry white wine 6 ferrets she lost in the apartment 3 pubes left on the toilet seat 1 lost safety deposit after she tripped down the stairs and banged her head into the wall and then denied it even though I took a video and sent her the video and sent the landlord the video ½ pound ground beef

Early And Often! How I Voted Nine Times Before 5 AM

 4:31am: Wrote in Pete Buttigieg for every position. He’s bound to get one of them.

REPORT: Professor Is Cool Because He Says “Fuck” a Lot

But more than that, he is deemed an inimitable professor also because of his habitual usage of the popular curse word, “fuck.” 

OP-ED: What The Fuck Is A Provost?

Provost this, provost that. Someone help us out here.

Quiz: What's Your REAL Major?

So, you think you've got it all figured out. Think again, punk! Take this quirky quiz from Under the Button and find out your REAL major.

Op-Ed: Amy Gutmann has 7 Horcruxes and Here’s What I Think They Are

After first setting eyes on Amy Gutmann, any Penn student will ask themselves the same question -- how the fuck does her skin look so fucking soft and she’s literally 70 fucking years old?! The answer might surprise you.

Op-Ed: Haha What’s Your Email haha There’s This Marriage Pact

You're Marco Paris Jenson the third, if I remember correctly?

Penn Marriage Pact Finds 76% of Undergraduate Student Body to be Unloveable

No, like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys?

Penn To 'Seriously Consider' Housing Students

We just haven’t decided yet. There are pros and cons to providing affordable housing, but mostly cons :( We also have no idea where we would make up the $2 million deficit in our $3.7 billion annual budget.

Germany to Be Re-Named Germ-Amy in Honor of Gutmann

And in German it's now Gutschland. Hurrah!

Five Giant Fall Scarves That Are Actually Just Trauma Blankets for When Your Heroes Inevitably Commit Sexual Assault

If this doesn’t say fall we don’t know what does! Drape yourself in this luscious autumnal accessory in an attempt to externally heal your wounds that have already been very deeply internalized. 

Don't Know What I Expected: Beka’s Chemistry Café Served Me 1M HCl

In retrospect, it was obvious from the name that something bad was bound to happen.

Report: Mildly Interesting Anecdote Projected to Extend Conversation 2-3 Minutes

Michael then proceeded to tell the same aggressively mundane story to every other club member after coming to the false conclusion that he’d struck an anecdotal gold mine.

Wellness Win! CAPS Announces Plan to Start Lacing Commons Entrées With Prozac

"By making students feel better without their knowledge, we eliminate the middleman of ‘therapy’, and our job is done."

OP-ED: They Should Replace Louie Louie With a Second McDonalds

A monument to the people shall arise where elite culture once dominated. 

Yikes! Some Girl Commented, 'Photo Credits to Me' Under Your Crush’s Instagram

The comment said, “Photo credits to me." Naturally, the person who wrote this comment and your crush have been engaging in decadent sexual entanglements.

OP-ED: Van Pelt Bag Checks are Proof We are All Trapped in Foucault's Panopticon

Foucault conceptualized the panopticon as a way for those in power to use technology to control the flow of information in society, a calculated, intricate apparatus embedded in the very logic of social structure and function. 

How to Promote the Gay Agenda as Someone who Hates Coffee and Doesn’t have Money

The time to end iced chai is now. Follow these tips so you're never caught drinking a gay, sissy drink again.