Are you constantly hungry? Too timid to take food home from the GBM? Are you tired of pathetically begging your Mom for cash so that you won’t starve to death on the mean streets of Philadelphia?

Forget Stacy’s mom! Stacy’s dad is really the one who’s got it goin’ on.

Several weeks ago, a report was published listing all the edible shrubbery on Penn’s campus. Ever since, Penn’s edible plants have replaced all other sustenance for sophomore Kristine Cole.

Professor Schumann’s Biology 101 students were only five minutes into their first midterm when disaster struck. Schumann watched as students finished the first page of the test and flipped open the second page. Not a single student chuckled—not even a wry smile. Schumann had forgotten to include his sixth favorite Calvin and Hobbes comic strip above question 8.

In a recent investigation by Under the Button dot com, it was discovered that famed innocence-corrupter and Zion of capitalist ensnarement John M. Huntsman Hall becomes a dominatrix sex dungeon after 2 a.m.

Just moments ago, George Henchey (C '20) bid his friends adieu, trusting them to watch over his backpack as if it were their own, and set off on the long and lonely trip to the 4th floor of Van Pelt.

After holding our own in the US News Rankings, we managed to make a huge leap in another major college ranking: the Reuters Most Innovative Universities list.

Even though Kristen Polman (N ’22) came out as gay at the ripe age of 15, her mother, Stacy Polman, sometimes just can’t help herself—especially during this past Parents Weekend.

When President Gutmann announced that all sophomores will be required to live on campus beginning in 2021, the reaction could not have been more positive.

Did you hear? Lindsay is studying abroad in London next spring. She is so excited, but will miss her friends so much! The FOMO is real, haha. 

Much to the ire of juniors in the room—people who actually needed internships—Teddy Cable (W ’22) let recruiters know exactly what he wanted at a recent fair.

Sofia Walsh (C ‘22) is normally okay with an evening filled with cheap handcuffs, free booze, and questionable lifestyle choices.

Boo, bitches. The crisp autumn air means Starbucks menus have flipped and sorority trips to Linvilla Orchards are in full swing. Though with this pleasant change of weather comes another difficult change as classes become more intense for Wharton sophomore Jessica Daniels.

Following the recent policy change in sophomore year housing, questions about on-campus options prompted Penn’s Residential Services to publish a comprehensive list of what students can look forward to.

Family weekend is a time wherein students can share their noble yet humbling Penn experience with their closest of relatives. Lucky for you, those relatives went back to their hotels at 7:30… or so you thought.

Last Friday night, students were alarmed to hear of a burglary at 40th and Walnut. While most of us locked ourselves in our bedrooms scared shitless until we received the “all clear” message from Penn security, one student faced the danger head on.

Elon Musk, seeing this headline through the bottom of another Teslaquila shot, decided he could do better. Musk announced via twitter, “The single largest gift in Wharton history was my presence. Will donate 50mil and an unused submarine.”

In the coming months, Parker has made it the club’s goal to bring back Polio, a virus that has been eradicated in the U.S. through vaccination. With his graduation date on the horizon, Parker says it is now or never.

Gone are the days of neckties on your doorknob and drunk texts at 2:00 a.m. kindly asking your roommate to fuck off to their friend’s couch. Students are now able to conveniently schedule their hookups directly through LibCal.

In a move that surprised literally no one, yet another boy has caught feelings for every member of Bloomers. Alex Huang (C ‘20) is one of many “Bloomers Bros,” the fan club of boys who would do anything it takes to win a date with a member of the all-female sketch comedy group.