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Gone Too Soon: I Died of Thirst When McClelland Switched to Dasani

Local Penn Student Devastated to Find Drexel Dating Pool Just As Bad

I must remember that Drexel is a fantasy land of lying dwarves, and that Penn is a fantasy land of scheming trolls. None of these creatures are viable options for a loving relationship where we take care of each other until one of us dies of old age. 

“Embracing the Two Plate Solution”: Falk Kosher Dining Apologizes For Tone-deaf Café Theme

At press time, Falk kitchen staff released a second apology for its proposed menu: a Lemony Garlic Salmon locally sourced "from the river to the sea." Apparently, they meant the Delaware.

Advice Column: Reveal Your Situationships Fivehead by Heading to Harnwell Wind Tunnel on a Stormy Day

I feel like I've known him forever, but at the same time, what does his forehead look like?

You Just Failed Your Midterm: Five Comfort Meals to Boost Your Morale

Penn Dining has you covered with some nourishing, morale-boosting meals to help you process your failure. Bon appétit!

Alex Jones Sees Error of Ways, Opens Cute Little Lesbian Bookstore

Located in Portland, Jones’ store also supports new authors. The premier sapphic novel for this month’s book club recommendation is In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado.

Van Pelt Masturbator Breaks Down Decision-Making in Choosing Location

Sun Tzu said it best “Know thy Enemy”, so, if we are to truly put an end to this stroke of madness, we must understand a man who now goes by the Van Pelt Masturbator. 

OP-ED: I Will Kill You

Do you remember that time when we were with our friends walking on Locust and someone farted (not me) and you loudly exclaimed “chocolate’s getting cooked in the Hershey factory!!!” and everyone laughed. Shut up bro, they call me Hershey now. 

Sorority Hazing Takes Cruel Turn With Mandatory Consumption of Non-Diet Soda

Rumors the girls were having a “coke” night had spread throughout the PC a few nights before; however, no one thought it could refer to something so sinister – even cocaine has zero calories.

Breaking: Student Tarred and Feathered in Huntsman After Using GSR to Do College of Arts & Sciences Econ Homework

Let the Punishment Fit the Crime. 

Aww! Freshman Couple Celebrates Three-Month Anniversary by Applying for Group Housing Together

2gether 4ever muahmuah

After Eagles Super Bowl Win, CVS Replaces Entire Viagra Section With Framed Photos of Cooper Dejean

COOPER DEJEAN. PICK SIX. TOUCHDOWN. Your erect penis has ripped a hole straight through the front of your jeans.

Line Blurs Between Playing Hard to Get and Standing Alone in Apes Basement

 ALERT! You're not being elusive!! He thinks you're really weird!!

Student Sitting on Toilet Endures Standoff With Cockroach

The student was shocked but remained calm, knowing the roach was dangerous and not to be provoked.

Couple Doing PDA in High Rise Elevator Sensually Caresses Me as Well

If a tree falls in a forest and there is only a couple doing PDA present, will anyone ever hear the tree fall? 

Castle Mistakenly Bids Freshman from Paris, Texas

The Castle has pledged to more closely vet its rushes to prevent this sort of error in the future. Certain disqualifying features include reciting the whole American national anthem, understanding how the NFL works, or not owning a trench coat. 

The Daily Pennsylvanian to be 100% Chinese by 2050

When reached for comment, a representative of The DP replied “申し訳ありませんが、英語は話せません。”