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BREAKING: Punxsutawney Phil Found in Epstein Files

 “It’s an outrage,” said one student who wishes to remain anonymous. “I can excuse most of the things they did on that island, but I draw the line at animal abuse.”

Ketamine Enthusiasts Excited for the Year of the Horse

This year’s incarnation, the Fire Horse, promises rapid change and transformation, an untamed force that refuses stagnation. To many ket-heads, this is less a prediction than a confirmation: the universe is finally speaking their language.

Report: Three Months Remain Until Penn Senior Becomes Regular Unemployed Alcoholic

“Certainly, his parents are very proud of him,” stated researchers, “but when they look at their neighbor’s son who played football in high school and went to a state school and is now working as an actuary at a regional insurance company, they can’t help but wonder: can their child thrive outside the structure of an educational institution?”

Penn Announces New Minor in Solid Core

At press time, University officials declared that they were "excited" about this. University president J. Larry Jameson posited: "My straight daughter and gay son are super happy. So, I guess, let's have a Brat Summer, everyone."

To Whoever Stole My Underwear From The Harnwell Laundry Room: Get Ready For a Nasty Yeast Infection

Don't. Mess. With. My. Clothes, Ho.

Alpha Jaywalker Brutally Mogs Beta Waiting for Walk Sign

Who needs to obey the traffic lights? Only a weak person with a fragile mindset, who believes that the Philly driver who is simultaneously on Snapchat and vaping will hit them. 

Guy From Some Northeastern City Wants You to Know It's Not That Cold

A Guy from a Northeastern City has some opinions about recent temperatures. 

Reviewing the Feng Shui of Penn’s Bathrooms

The following lavatories have been evaluated on the basis of their energy, intention, and design, because this kind of stuff matters.

“Aw Man”: Penn Student Not Sure What to Do About Epstein Files

To further probe this issue, Under the Button has reconvened our Comedy Think Tank.

A New Age: Sammy Becomes Primarily Presbyterian Frat

In a land of increasing competition between Jewish fraternities at Penn, Sammy has lost its position as a Jewish fraternity at Penn and will be forced to take an entirely Presbyterian class this semester.

Elon Musk (C ’97) Deemed “Too Off-Putting” To Hang Out With Pedophile Group

“Thank God that freak Elon isn’t here. That guy really sucks. Fucking weirdo.”

I’m Feeling Sick, and I Will Tell You About It

But if you do see me out, no, I'm not contagious. In fact, please do come near me!

“At the Age of 60, My Vision Has Significantly Worsened”: Visual Studies Professor Explains Risks of Major

Dyslexic Penn Student Contracts Chlamydia in Preparation for SDT Mixer

The student proclaimed that he intended to “double-fist” his afflictions with pride, as in other areas of life.

Snow Day Last Thing Keeping Local Penn Student From Killing Self

“The pressures of modernity have been and continue to be much for a sensitive young man such as myself to handle,” Zhang said in a press release.

“Existential Despair” Course Replaced With 8-Hour Loop of Eagles’ Playoff Incompetence

I really thought the locker-room positivity bunny would save the Eagles’ season.

Breaking: Multiple Sightings of The Fabled Quad Blue Whale Swimming Through The Tunnels Persist

How did it fit in the tunnels? Is this all a hoax? These questions, and more, are answered in this article.