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OP-ED: Don’t Worry Seniors, You Still Have One Year to Make the Lifelong Friends You Haven’t Made Yet
Hope is not lost for you yet, washed-up seniors. You still have a chance. Two semesters, two chances to succeed. Maybe it’s not too late to get tapped for a senior society. That’ll fix everything.
Nothing Matters and Everything Is Divine
Dark denims or linen pants
New Study Shows Freshmen Who Live in Renovated Quad Have 50% Less Testosterone
The effects of lowered testosterone levels on future consulting club executive boards and Tridelt-Hall relations will be devastating.
The Summer I Got Caught in a Phishing Scheme
And suddenly, I was caught in the crossfire of a devious scheme.
Between Two Clubs, Episode 1: Mask and Wig
OP-ED: I am the GBF to These Hot Girls in a Top Sorority Right Here, and You Will Treat Me as Such
These two bodacious blonde bombshells and this bitchy gay boy? We're a package deal. Now let us into your All-White Party!
Guest Essay: My Visit to Pottruck Student Fitness Center by Ocean Vuong
All this time I told myself that I go to the gym as a habit of health — but I was wrong, Ma. I have been deceitful to you, but how could you understand why? Because the thing about beauty is that it’s only beautiful outside of itself.
BREAKING: Ashley, Maya Is Planning on Asking Drew to Tri Delta Date Night Too
Also, Amelia called you fat at APES late night
BREAKING: Penn Situationship Responds He Not Looking For Anything Serious After You Ask For, Like, Basic Reciprocity Even Though He Said Last Week What You Two Had Was Special
Local man does not keep his word. More at 5.
BREAKING: Entrepreneur Elon Musk (W CAS ’97) Adds Fuel to Former President and 1968 Wharton Graduate Donald Trump’s Comment on Former Penn Presidential Professor of Practice Joe Biden’s Housing of Classified Documents at the Penn Biden Center (Penn)
Yesterday, Twitter CEO Elon Musk (W CAS ’97) voiced his support for former President Trump’s (W ’68) tirade against the current scandal engulfing President Joe Biden.
Response From Penn Board to Recent Federal Funding Cuts
We gotta give them something, guys
I Lived It: I Used My SDT Code to Buy Pool Party Tickets and It Made the Price More Expensive
That's weird: I inserted my “discount code” and the price went up by $5.
Ego Death in Harnwell Package Room
Oh my God. It’s happening.
Hill Couples Gear Up for First Annual Freakolympics
Set to take place the week of May 6 through May 13 in Hill College House, the Freakolympics will pit freshman couples across campus against each other in a weeklong bracket-style competition to determine who can get the freakiest in Penn’s shared spaces and make everyone else the most uncomfortable.
Ouch! My Big Little Reveal Was Just a Picture of Me Before and After Ozempic
I was the last one called up, and something weird happened: The lights turned off, and a projector turned on. Slowly a curtain opened to a picture of me from 5 years ago.
ABG This. ABB That. What Happened to Asian Baby Studybots?
What happened to: “Damn, that tiny Asian kid is a piano PRODIGY!”
Zete Unilaterally Celebrated for Implementing Trump's DEI Policies Two Decades in Advance
Zete knew this day was coming.
After Accidentally Eating Iftar Food, Penn Student Deemed “Muslim Enough” to be Deported by ICE
The news comes amidst reports of immigration raids at Columbia University, where students are allegedly being detained for involvement in pro-Palestinian protests, speaking Arabic in public, or otherwise looking vaguely ethnic.
Gone Too Soon: I Died of Thirst When McClelland Switched to Dasani
