Most Recent

Breaking: Donald Trump Hand Blemish Related to 60-Year Blood Oath with WUFC

Under the Button has obtained exclusive information that Trump’s hand blemish is related to his blood oath with the Wharton Undergraduate Finance Club (WUFC, "Wuu-FF-KK" (/wɪˈfɪc/))

Do I Deserve More or Less? A Reflection on My Penn Experience

Every night before I fall asleep in my high-rise shoebox of a room, I ask myself a question: do I deserve more, or do I deserve less?

My Coming Out: Green Line Turned Me Pansexual

What genre is this? 

OP-ED: The Herzog Housewarming Was Awful

There were people who were enjoying themselves, dancing, and taking photos. What kind of fucked up, twisted party guest would take photos? Have we all lost our minds? I do not take photos. And no one was talking to me either. That was everyone else’s fault for not wanting to interact with me. What an awfully curated party. 

Breaking: Chloe Malle Announced as Editor of American Vogue, Lex Lemer Announced as Editor of Her Own Homework

International Student From Greece Confused and Disappointed Greek Life Tabling Session Had No Feta

Greek lady did not live up to its expect to its expectstions.

Student Staring at Girls in Pottruck Just Anthropology Major

The publication quickly realized that the student's binoculars in-hand and camera roll populated with photos of sweaty girls were not the signs of a pervert but rather just an anthropologist. 

Yes, Tariffs Will Affect Castle Brother's Dues

As usual, economists point out that it is the American consumer–not the PPE major from Zurich–who bears the burden of these policies: tickets to Castle’s Magic Gardens will now include an added “tariff fee."

Penn in Washington Opens New Campus in Spokane

Students interested in the program are encouraged to reach out to their advisors with any questions. Applications for the spring cohort, which will be led by famous Spokane resident and critical race theory professor Rachel Dolezal, open on September 17th and close on September 17th. 

Shocking: Eating a Caprese Sandwich Every Day of the Summer Does THIS to Your Body

While you were sitting in a cubicle this summer, so was I. One fatal difference: I was eating a caprese sandwich.

Last Night Was a Blur - Did I Enter the 9th Circle of Hell or a Penn Frat Party?

I scurry out, alongside two rats. 

“I Gave My Girlfriend Her First STD” and Other Top Five Things to Bring Up at Your Next Consulting Club Coffee Chat

Make sure your coffee-chatter doesn't immediately regret meeting you.

Your Housewarming Sucked So I Turned On All Your Gas Burners and Left

Why the fuck were your overhead lights on? 

Student Without Public Fear Buys Grommons Condoms

Thousands Gather to Mourn 16-year Anniversary of Main Line Teen Disappearance

Alison DiLaurentis - "She's gone but she's everywhere"

OP-ED: Reevaluating My Self-Worth After Seeing Classmates With Wedding Rings

OP-ED: Don’t Worry Seniors, You Still Have One Year to Make the Lifelong Friends You Haven’t Made Yet

Hope is not lost for you yet, washed-up seniors. You still have a chance. Two semesters, two chances to succeed. Maybe it’s not too late to get tapped for a senior society. That’ll fix everything.