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Study: The Musical Theater Kid On Your Hall Who Breaks Into Song All The Time Fucking Sucks

In a landmark study, Penn researchers have determined that your neighbor from freshman year who spontaneously erupted with selections from Les Miserables and Fiddler sucks.

Soon to be Failing Freshman Bothered that A+'s Count as Much as A's

When Jamie Chen’s (C ‘22) high school friends told her that grades weren’t a substitute for a personality, she took it as a challenge. Set to enter Penn with a perfect transcript, Chen noticed something horrifically disturbing about the University’s grading policy.

BREAKING: Jeb Bush Walks Down Locust, Literally No One Cares

On Wednesday, University President Amy Gutmann and Provost Wendell Pritchett named former Florida Governor Jeb Bush a non-resident Presidential Professor of Practice for the 2018-2019 academic year. Though few are sure what this actually means for Penn, even fewer care about Jeb Bush at all.

Watch Out: 28-Year-Old Senior Has Just Been on the Same CIS Waitlist for 7 Years

Albert Song (E '19) is just one credit away from graduating. He was also one credit away from graduating last year, the year before, and even back in 2011. No, he hasn't taken a gap decade. And no, he hasn't even left Penn. He has spent the past seven years of his life emailing professors, counting down until advance registration, and failing to get into CIS 518: Neural Deep Data Machine Intelligence—the only class that he needs to graduate.

Uh Oh: New LinkedIn Feature Will Flag Your Headshot If You’re Naked from the Waist Down

The days of partially-nude headshots are over. Thanks to a recent LinkedIn update, you can no longer annoy that one friend with a fancy camera to snap 60 identical photos of you outside Huntsman in your best blazer while completely naked from the waist down.

Perry World House Presents: BIDEN @ NOTO

Missing our OG Benjamin Franklin Presidential Practice Professor? Desperately need to check out another downtown on a Tuesday night? Well, you're in luck. Details below:

Junior Rejected from Club Wants to Start the Conversation on Ageism

Last week College junior Emma Bentley received news that she would not be invited to join the Penn Ikea Furniture Building Club. “I’ve always been a passionate builder—no—assembler. It was time to take the next step and move beyond my solo work,” said Bentley.

Need to Postpone Your Midterm? Here are the 5 Tastiest Doorknobs on Campus

Midterm season is upon us, but there’s a way out—take a close look at that syllabus. “Students may schedule a makeup midterm if they are sick on exam day.” But how are you going to get sick by Monday? With that, here are Under the Button’s top five tastiest doorknobs for the 2018-19 academic year.

Missed the Memo: This Kid’s Wearing Trout Colored Shorts

Did Vineyard Vines run out of salmon colored shorts? No! This libertarian just wanted to swim against the current for a change. Michael Hansel (C ‘22) was a trout in a sea of salmon last Tuesday, a bold choice at such a critical time of year.

Sophomore Banished to Hell by Protester Was Already in Electrical Engineering

Nick Menon (E ’21) was taking his daily stroll to DRL for an engineering lecture when he saw a large congregation of protesters near College Green. “I just saw a lot of people yelling for no apparent reason. A minute later, I got berated for supporting women’s rights and vaccination, and somebody told me that Dean Furda was the third Antichrist.”

OCR Attendee Asked Why He Is Wearing a Suit 581 Times in One Day

When Brian Dunham (C ’20) wore a suit for an info session on Monday, he was expecting everyone to compliment him for dressing up. Instead, he was asked 60 dozen times why he was wearing a suit.

Friend With Equally Shitty ID Blames Other Friend for Not Getting Into Smokes

It was Thursday night and Lisa (C '21) and her friends were standing in line outside Smokey Joe’s, memorizing the addresses on their ID’s. “This better work,” she said, knowing full well that it probably would not work. “We don’t have any other moves tonight.”

Schools In! That Means It's Time for Jessica to Confront Her Semi-Exclusive Summer Fling on What the Summer Meant to Him

Uh oh! The drunken haze that is NSO has ended, and now Jessica Talluto (C ’21) must confront her boy-toy of five months, Justin Tan (W ’20), about her inevitable feelings for him.  Well, actually, feelings for him isn’t entirely accurate—that is, if he doesn’t want anything serious with her. She’s “chill” and “down for whatever,” a source close to Talluto reveals.  

English Major Doesn't Actually Know How to Read, Just A Dumbass Who's Good at Guessing

Many English majors at Penn complain about the amount of reading that professors assign each week. College sophomore Kyaire Jamil, however, has nothing to complain about, because she has never known how to read.

Plot Twist: Guy Wearing Suit to Class is Not Recruiting, Just an Asshole

College junior Charles Richardson is an adamant opponent of Penn's recruiting culture. Regularly complaining about the detrimental effects of pre-professionalism and writing fiery Op-Eds on the matter, Richardson wants no part in the madness known as "On-Campus Recruitment." It is for this reason that many of his friends were shocked to witness Richardson entering class on Monday morning dressed head-to-toe in business formal (with a tie and everything).

5 Sex Positions For Horny Freshmen Sleeping in Kings Court Lounges

Hey, you sultry Kings Court residents. Have things been getting too steamy in your bedroom? No, literally, have you resorted to sleeping on the filthy couches and floor of your first floor lounge to escape attempting to fall asleep in a puddle of your own sweat? Knew it.

Itchy Tag on New Shirt First Thing Junior Hates More Than Self

For decades, self-esteem of College junior Joelle Simmons has been low. While most in her demographic of white, upper middle class, Ivy League women have mid-level self-esteem, often referring to themselves as “fine” or “a little bloated,” Simmons’ self-esteem was far lower. One close friend noted that Simmons’ self-esteem was so low, her automatic email sign off was simply, “I’m sorry.”

PennApps' New Shower Stations Go Unused

In response to the overwhelming stench which wafted through the hallways of the Towne building during PennApps 2017, this year’s organizers decided to place fully-functional shower booths at each corner of the event space. Surprising to nobody but unfortunate to many, these booths remained empty for the entire weekend.

Freshman Excited to Live on His Own Won’t Do Laundry Until Fall Break

Ah, NSO. The sweet smell of freedom in the air. No parents, no rules, no repercussions for public intoxication. We met up with a particularly eager Wharton freshman, Aaron Abramovitz, who reflected on this new stage of life. 

What Freshmen Had to Say About the Annual NSO Masquerade Orgy

While you may have attended the toga party during your orientation week, hopefully you didn't miss out on Penn's Annual NSO Masquerade Orgy. Always a hit amongst freshmen, staff, faculty, and alumni alike, we checked in with some (anonymous) underclassmen to get their reactions on the event.