How can you ensure a victory for this country’s soul? Get your vote to count twice! Here are some quick and easy tricks to do just that.

"I just don't know how all these organizations are going along with this lie! And no one has contacted any of the clubs to ask if the shortage is real. Which it isn't! But I guess now, people are finally recognizing how important we are in keeping our democracy alive."

Do you often feel stressed about the existential threat of climate change? Then you should indulge in some of this creamy, delicious pasta! 

“We here at Heirloom-Giant profoundly apologize for this grave error, and want to ensure our customers that it will never happen again.”

Hi, um how are you doing? What have you and your um friends been up to? … sorry that’s a stupid question. We’re in a pandemic. Are we friends? Is that weird to ask? It would be nice if we were friends, though. Don’t you think?

Do you long to feel the playful Philadelphian wind on your luscious locks as you walk down Locust? Despair no more, my friend! Here are seven utterly horrible things about campus that will finally make you stop missing it so badly.

They are firm, realistic, executable plans that could change at any moment the second we decide something else is more profitable or convenient for us. 

Their amazing performance of pro-life but anti-mask advocacy earned the US team a spot in the finals against the North Korean team, notoriously nicknamed “The Iron Kims”. 

The weight of the conversation rests on their shoulders. People crack under the pressure. The human spine isn’t meant to carry that much weight. 

On October 26th, 2020, Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed to the Supreme Court. The conservative judges on the Supreme Court have a strong foothold, hoping to rule on topics such as immigration, LGTBQ+ rights and abortion. With the addition of Judge Barrett, the Court is expected to declare the constitutionality of a nationwide mask mandate to secure a pro-life agenda.

Maybe you tried to talk about the debate and they, fidgeting and uncomfortable, responded, "What debate?" You can't help but think: is it REALLY possible that someone can be so apolitical?

"I saw him near the Radian sitting in a bush and shoveling homemade guacamole into his mouth using his hands,” Joseph Joeford (C '22) recalled from his morning walk. “He probably thought nobody could see him, but we all could."

When asked about the possibility of court-packing the Supreme Court, Kavanaugh became very puzzled. “Wait. Did you say packing? The court? But I’m on that? I certainly think I am packing enough ‘down there.’” The justice made UTB aware that his nicknames at law school were ‘The Hanging Judge’, ‘The Magistrate with Massive Meatballs’, ‘Colossal Kavanaugh’, and ‘Brett and His Big Gavel’.  

The researchers identified numerous parallels between the quietude of the cosmos and the awkward silence of students thrust into uninteresting and forced discussion with others they barely know.

Bessie came into the Vice Presidential Debate ready to support her main girl Kamala, but came out sexually confused. 

“First, I will mail my ballot for my good friend Donald Trump to Pennsylvania,” said Putin. “And then after that, I will also mail my ballot for Florida, Iowa, Ohio, Georgia, North Carolina, Arizona, Michigan, and Wisconsin.”

Acme executives have voted to greenlight a 10 million dollar construction project that will erect a mini Acme inside Acme’s satellite Starbucks.

“Now, there’s a lot the president and I disagree about, but here’s the deal: Bulbasaur is the American choice,” Biden said, looking directly into the camera.

The hopes of those Americans who still believe in science have just been dashed by this unprecedented discovery: the shot is simply filled with 195 proof vodka, making it the equivalent of injecting two and a half shots of Strawberry Lemonade Svedka directly into your bloodstream.

"I just want to feel her silicone presence beside me. I planned to consummate her arrival on election night, but now I'm not sure if we'll get our special evening!"