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News


The Top 10 Democratic Candidates as Types of Ice Cream

7. Beto O’Rourke: Rolled Ice Cream: Its trendy, expensive, and ultimately exactly the same as other, less expensive and easier to eat ice cream. Looks great on Instagram. 


Penn Reveals "Gregory West" Just a Storage Container in the C '25 Alleyway

The house is set to be finished two weeks ago, as it is simply a storage container in the Class of 25 alleyway, possibly leftover from move-in.


4 Unlined Notebooks That Say "Transcendentalism"

As the new school year dawns, honor theory and demonstrate your intellectual supremacy by freeing yourself from the confines of linear thought.


Junior to Spend Four Months Hiking Through Europe on Pottruck Treadmills

After kissing his girlfriend Vanessa goodbye, Carpenter turned on the treadmill in Pottruck and began his slow, slow hike. He selected Lyon, France as a starting point and looked back at his girlfriend, now crying too as she walked out of the gym.


Gotta Tell 'Em: Your Friend's Band Is Just a Worse Version of the Strokes

Hm, you think. This sounds familiar, and they're not very good.


Engineer Waits Until Add/Drop Deadline to Register for Classes, Spends Entire First Week Stressing out and Playing Minecraft

I don’t know if he understands that engineers don’t get syllabus days, but God I wish I was on the server with him instead of doing the 243 math problems 8 CIS assignments and 2 CAD’s my professors assigned in the first two days of class.


Penn Bookstore Promises a Thousand Curses upon Students’ Firstborns If They Don’t Get Their Textbooks Right Now

Although we tried gently bombarding students with mildly-worded emails, we found that this approach was entirely ineffective.


Happy Year of Data! Penn Releases Spreadsheet Rife with Extremely Sensitive, Personal Student Info

After years of illicitly compiling student profiles and surveillance footage from across campus, Penn’s top scientists are proud to present their newest data-driven achievement.


Career Services Tells Junior to Go Fuck Herself

Upon arriving at her consultation, her career advisor asked her some basic questions about her interests, majors, sexual history, vibes, and previous work experience, entering them all into the artificial intelligence career calculator.


New College Family Furious as Penn Renames New College House after Lauder Family

New College House will be renamed as Lauder College House after a major donation from the Lauder family, which sources say dwarfed the New College family’s by nearly 10 times. The move sent New College patriarch Robert William New College II into a fury.


Bubble Burst! Freshman Shocked to Learn That College Isn't Just Day Drinking and Interior Decoration

When they told me I was taking an engineering course, I thought that meant learning how to change the batteries in my string lights and setting up my Amazon Alexa.


Power Trip! Lucy Gets off on Getting into Frats with Hordes of Freshmen Outside

Freshmen are so annoying. They’re so fucking entitled and think that they can get into any frat they want if they swarm it long enough.


Senior Excited to Graduate from Penn Bubble to Silicon Valley Bubble

While other interns took weekend day trips up to San Francisco, Johnson contented herself with Ubering in an endless loop from Mountain View to Palo Alto, down to Cupertino, and back to Sunnyvale. While her friends went hiking over the Fourth of July weekend, she visited her top Bay Area attractions: Facebook’s campus, Apple’s campus, and Google’s other campus. 


Strap in Folks: Kelsey Needs to Tell You About the Dream She had Last Night

But your arm was broken so I said we should get you some chocolate milk right away, but the gas station was out. Then we had to go to Hershey Park to get some, but all of the brown cows were on vacation in Vegas.


BREAKING: FRESHMAN SMALL etc. etc.

Like, I literally can barely see them. Their tiny tiny legs move so quickly but make such little progress.


From the Class of '04: Amy, You Said We Were Your Favorite Class at Convocation

We kept on, knowing that we were being tested because we were special, that we were the culmination of 263 of failed attempts at perfection.


Irresistible: PA Powerball Finally Throws NCH Single into Prize Pool

Not only will winners of the PA Powerball clinch a jackpot of over 80 million dollars, but they will also receive the ultimate prize. 


&pizza Has a New Box Design, and I’ll Admit it: I’m Excited

Greg, the HR intern, thought the box looked good, and off it went to printing!


After Temporary Frogro Closure, Students Confused That “Visible Physical Evidence of Rodents” Now Considered a Problem

At first I thought that the visible physical evidence of rodents was something that should be reported, but then I realized that was silly. It’s like, would you report it if your air conditioning was working too well? Obviously not, and it’s the same thing.


Senior Writes Name of Class in Perfect Handwriting in Flimsy Attempt to Convince Himself He Cares

If he could just muster the energy to write the name of the class in a visually pleasing font, he could possibly remind himself what giving a single fuck actually felt like.


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