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Student Beats Dozens of Applicants for Opportunity to Make Penn More Money

“I’m just so excited to be a member of this club,” Lockwood said. “And it is a club, and not just a group of indentured servants working for the same master, because sometimes we have social events.” 


REPORT: Many Horses Are Being Tranquilized on Penn's Campus

We have yet to locate the horse population or reason for its presence and tranquilization, but we are determined to find answers


The Statesman Condemns Penn Democrats for Accepting Student Government Handouts

Describing members as “freeloaders” and “welfare queens,” Statesman Editor-in-Chief Madeleine Jacobs (W ‘21) criticized the group’s status as a SAC-funded group.


4 Date Night Date Options That Are All Just You Making Out With Your Gay Friend

Alex is also the type to spend a lot of time going to the bar and the bathroom, giving you ample time to lock lips with that gay friend of yours. So fun!


Life Hack! Go Trick or Treating Now!

Get the jump on Halloween by going trick or treating now. That’s right, those pre-teen fucks will never see it coming.


CORRECTION: Professor Ewens Actually Very Young, Nimble

Under the Button would like to appeal to the public in repentance for these mistakes. We hope that Professor Ewens himself can agree that people make mistakes, but they should always be given the opportunity to redeem themselves.


Students Required to Purchase Access Code for Classroom Door: Lecture Seat Optional

An $80 ticket would allow access into the classroom, while a lecture seat could be purchased separately for another $120. The all-inclusive VIP package, including door access, a lecture seat, office hours and the ability to ask questions, could be purchased for $180. For another $20, you might even get a little bit of “extra credit.”


BREAKING: Amy Gutmann Endorses Mike Bloomberg, Probably

In alignment with this endorsement, Bloomberg will be donating a new building to Penn's campus, the Bloomberg Center for Stop and Frisk Cultural Studies.


New Report Finds Prof. Warren Ewens Was Benjamin Franklin's First Hire

We wish him luck for the rest of his career and hope he retires with at least 500 years of teaching under his belt. 


Mayor Pete’s Grindr Nudes Leaked

While there still remains some confusion surrounding Buttigieg’s motives, analysts have suggested that his behavior might stem from a crisis of confidence caused by his rat-like demeanor. 


Following NCAA Sanctions, Men’s Basketball Must Now Play Wearing Roller Skates

“Some of these guys have never roller skated before. We’ll have to start from the basics: cones, training wheels — hell, I may roll behind some of them holding their hips during games.”


Erika James, Newly-appointed Wharton Dean, Already Rejected From 6 Wharton Clubs

Following the grueling process of filling out repetitive Google forms and re-writing the same 250-word essay, James has faced a similar fate to countless applicants before her: cold rejection.


Student Graduates With Penn GPA 2.7, Sims 4 University of Britechester GPA 4.0

"I'm really setting myself up well for a high-paying critic career or maybe even one as a style influencer."


BREAKING: New UTB Writer, Alicia Lopez, Not Actually Funny

It seems like UTB made some crazy hiring decisions this round, and we as a general Penn readership can only hope that the organization takes this important job more seriously in the future.


Yes! 40 Year Old Man Thinks You’re Hot

You really needed something to boost your confidence. And wouldn’t you know, this balding 40-something-year-old man was just the guy to make that happen.


Class Silent After Professor Asks Question About Material Not Covered in Wikipedia Summary

“I’m usually a very active participant in class,” Michaelson said. “But then Professor Chowdry asked about something that wasn’t covered on the 150-word abstract or the Wikipedia page, and that’s really beyond my purview.”


Not Exaggeration! Jessica Reporting All Her Friends Hate Her and She Can’t Explain Why but It’s so Obvious

Under the Button is still working to understand the nature of this incident and gain any clarity at all into this developing story.


Wilcaf Will Offer Cow's Milk for No Extra Charge

Proponents of cow's milk cite the ecological catastrophe that is almond milk, the estrogen content of soy milk, and the gluten in oat milk as reasons for making the switch. 


Deadline Extended! You May Now Wait Another Week to Write Our Intern App in One Frantic Evening

You piece of garbage. We know that you haven't even started our application yet, you absolute fucking mess of a human being. What have you even been doing? Homework? A likely story.  


"It's Like a Study Group With a House," and 4 Other Ways to Explain Greek Life to Immigrant Parents

 4. "Pledging is Just Like the American Immigration Process!"


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