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News


Depressing: "What If?" Grades to Remain Wishful Thinking

Students everywhere are shocked to discover that they were really only fooling themselves with their own rose-tinted grades.


Healthy! Freshman Plans to De-stress Over Break and Take 7 Summer Courses

This summer, Kirkpatrick will be taking CHEM 241, CHEM 242, MATH 241, BIOL 203, BIOL 404, BIOL 407, and CIS 160 (just for fun, of course). Come fall of sophomore year, she will have completed seven full credits worth of pain.


Is This Self-Care? All Calls to CAPS Hotline Now Redirect to Queer Eye Season 3 on Netflix

After an interlude of adult male giggles and exclamations of surprise, culture expert Karamo Brown proclaims, "'Beauty' is knowing that you're worth it," while interior design expert Bobby Berk follows up with "Go out there and find your chosen family!"


Wow! Penn Astronomy Beats Light Pollution, Announces First Ever Picture of Moon

With the light and smog from downtown, you can barely catch anything. That’s why this moon sighting is so, so crucial.


This 16 Year-Old On Tour in his Patagonia Quarter Zip Has It All Figured Out

What can I say? I gave my long-term girlfriend a promise ring last week and we’re staying together through college.


Tiger Woods Attributes Masters Win to Practice with Pottruck Golf Simulator

If only the simulator had a drunk driving setting or an extramarital affair setting built in, it would be perfect.


Shy Senior Rewards Herself with a Full Day of Rest After Participating in Class

Plans for her day of rest included skipping all of her classes, having brunch at a restaurant of her choice, purchasing three new pairs of shoes, and indulging in a Netflix bender.


Amazing! Birthright Really Convinced Sophie Everything in Israel Is “B'seder”

Her trip came in the wake of an incredibly contentious election that put the future of a two-state solution on the line. Amazingly, Birthright managed to convince Sophie that Israel was less of a country with real world policy implications and more of a movie set for her very own eat, pray, love. 


In Memoriam of Notre Dame: A Photo Essay of My 2011 Trip to Paris

I have compiled these photos of my European adventure to honor this sacred building in our time of collective grief. 


Meet the Man Loudly Revving His Motorcycle Outside Your Window at 11 PM

What kind of twisted soul enjoys blowing out the eardrums of everyone in a 5-mile radius?


Sasha’s Allergies to Blame for Not Having Class Outside

Some classmates had begun to grow suspicious as Jackson sneezed six times merely during the conversation about possibly moving the class outdoors. 


College Requirements! Learn a Language at a 3rd Grade Level for Only $40,000

Congratulations! You now possess the ability to make all of your native-speaking friends either sympathetic or uncomfortable.


Scene King: Student Owns a Sharpie

Pity us, noble Scene King, ruler of our lands. We worship you and would be honored to kiss the soles of your fucking overpriced shoes, worn simply to flex.


Senior Can’t Satisfy Girlfriend or Sector Requirements

Last weekend he went down on me and when he was ‘done,’ he asked if that could double-count for the rest of the week.


In Wake of UA Elections, Student Body Remembers That It Doesn't Matter

Now, the votes have been cast, and a new board has been selected, and the Undergraduate Assembly can finally return to not impacting the day-to-day life of students as it was designed to do. Finally students can take a deep breath and focus on things that actually matter, ranging from doing laundry to literally anything other than UA. 


Sad: This Girl Needs Drake to Release a New Song Because She’s out of Instagram Captions

Of course, Reynolds could use another artist’s lyrics, or even come up with her own witty phrase, but she has become so used to looking up Drake verses for each post that she can no longer form an original thought.


Roommate Just Fully Nocturnal Now

She began to skip classes and to stay out late with that boy Ben from ZBT. She would come back and do work well into the early hours.


Look Out! Jessica Cut Her Own Bangs

"My dishes in the sink are hairy now.” 


Living in the Past? This Student Is a Classics Major

Sheesh, Joseph — join the 21st century and catfish your mom on Jdate like the rest of us.


Anti-Social Junior Blames Rain for His Lack of Dartying

Aw man! Chris Solomons (C '20) was all ready for a killer Fling weekend until, according to him, the weather had other plans. UTB caught up with Solomons as he reclined in a bean bag chair, a bowl of Chocolatey Chip Teddy Grahams in hand.


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