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News


Ok Boomer: Guy Turns 22

“I thought he was one of whatever our generation is, but there he goes, turning 22 like a fucking Boomer.”


Ok Boomer! Mom Likes Those ‘Little Tik Tok Videos’

“I just really like those little Tik Tok videos!” Mrs. Bernstein claimed with her reading glasses on the bridge of her nose. 


Ok Boomer! SHS Doctor Thinks It’s Syphilis

Classic Boomer to assume you have nothing going on in your life and can just, “take time to address your genital sores.”


Ok Boomer! Barack Obama Canceled Cancel Culture so He’s Canceled Now

Apparently, he said something about “the idea of purity and always [being] politically woke,” but all I heard was “BLAH BLAH I’M A BOOMER BLAH BLAH BLAH.”


Ok Boomer! Professor Thinks You Should Probably Withdraw

"We're unfortunately past the drop deadline, but your grade is currently so low that, were it to show up on your final transcript, the Math department would be forced to blacklist you."


OK BOOMER! MOM JUST CALLING TO SAY SHE LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT AND WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU MORE OFTEN AS IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW THAT ALREADY

Just because you raised her into the confident woman she is today by providing her with resources and by being a powerful example of a woman following her dreams in a male-dominated industry does NOT mean she owes you anything. Emotional autonomy is the way the world works now.


Student Slides down Harnwell Trash Chute to Avoid Social Contact in Elevator

“It’s much faster than the elevator too."


Driver Blaring Horn Just Wants to Wish You a Good Day

“I love college students. What better way to show my appreciation than to honk?”


Bobby’s Burgers Exposed: I’m the One Who Beat Bobby Flay

Most people think that Bobby’s Burgers closed down due to their abysmal management or highly overpriced burgers. They're wrong. As we all know, inflated prices and rude management are a prerequisite to starting a successful restaurant in West Philly.


Under the Button Endorses Voting in General Election but 2 Days Too Late

Under the Button is taking a stance! Penn, we implore you, go to the polls!


Watch out Yale: Penn May Become Second Ivy to Have an Alum Impeached While President

Yale has always thought it was hot shit because Bill Clinton went to law school there and then got impeached. Although no other ivy has been able to claim that honor, that may soon be changing. Penn may become the second ivy to have an alum impeached while in office. Though Donald Trump hardly went to Penn, having been an incredibly low-performing transfer student, he is technically an alum.


Bobby's Burger Palace Closes After It Loses One of Its Three Customers

“Business was booming two months ago — we easily had three, four, hell sometimes even FIVE customers walk through our doors on any given day. We had big plans for the future, but ever since Jeff stopped coming by, well, we just don’t have the money to support the shop anymore.” 


PennInTouch? More like PennIsTouch

“It’s an acquired taste,” says Goff, “At first, I didn’t know how to appreciate PennInTouch. Now, it is my favorite beauty to look at.”


DP Wins Pacemaker Despite Existence of Under the Button

The Daily Pennsylvanian recently received several college journalism accolades. These awards included the prestigious Pacemaker Award, commonly referred to as the “Pulitzer Prize of college journalism." While this achievement would be amazing on its own, it is especially so considering the existence of Under the Button.



Wharton Student Horrified by Immobile Staircase

“I just don’t get why stairs still exist. Like I get it for people who live in villages or farms or whatever, but for those of us who grew up in skyscrapers, which is obviously most of Penn, stairs are really challenging and, quite frankly, horrifying.” 


Louder Repetition of Joke Confirms Brad Not Funny

“Factor? I barely know her!” After receiving no audible response, he boldly tried again, this time louder for the whole class to hear.


Great White Shark Strikes Lauder House

"If someone wants to bring their dangerous animals, they should have every right.”


'I Can't Get Sick, Not Now' Says Already Sick Guy

He never leaves home without a surgical mask and latex gloves. He washes his hands with Germ-X, and showers with a liberal amount of Purell. In the morning, he doesn’t feel alive until he gets his line of Emergen-C in. He truly is a bastion of health


Penn Student Does Not Want to Die Because That Would Decrease His Productivity

Johnson likes to do market research for startups in his free time. Outside of that, he attends BYOs for the 15 branches of SPEC of which he is a part.


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