My sources tell me that I need to contact the professor if I’m interested in becoming a teaching assistant, but as a pretty person, I’ve never been one to have to ask for what I want.

This past Sunday Penn Police were anonymously tipped by a few students who said they saw “blinding flashes” and heard “what sounded like Optimus Prime ripping a bandaid off his genitalia” coming from VP 4th floor.

According to Saqi, the work is “so easy”, consisting mainly of “copying and pasting”, “sipping martinis”, and “going on luxury cruises across the world”. How didn’t I think of this sooner?

 “Why did no one tell me?” she groaned.  

“Slipping and sliding with all my new friends made me realize the tuition really was worth it,” freshman Colin Mann said.

“My great grandfather was Italian, and I absolutely LOVE going to Latin BBQ every year. It’s one of my favorite Penn traditions,” stated White.

Especially in these unprecedented times, CAPS is more committed than ever to creating a safe and caring environment for Penn’s diverse student body. 

“It means a lot to me,” says Texas native, Sammy Rodriguez (W ‘23). “You know, my family in Austin has been really struggling to stay warm and find drinkable water, so to see Senator Ted Cruz take 5 minutes out of his vacation time to boil a pot of water is truly heartwarming. I’m sure it’ll mean a lot to my family too once their power comes back on.” 

Oh, the humanity! I can’t bear to watch. Prepare yourselves — we are about to have a very large pile of rubble and cocaine on our hands. 

Slurp, slurp, you disgusting soon-to-be sophomores. Don’t throw out your straws and shovels just yet — Amy Gutmann announced that it’s another year of the trough for you pathetic, pasty piggies. 

If Penn hopes to achieve economic and political sovereignty, we must start by taking over the economy of Philadelphia.

Statistically significant results found that a maximized joint slay between besties resulted in loving and long-lasting relationships. No joint slay? The results were much more ominous for these besties.

It doesn't matter if @homewrecker69 Tweets "P*nn sucks because it's so elitist," seniors will keep applying.

"I knew that Penn had a wide variety of food trucks. But of all the colleges that I considered, Penn was the only college that had a marijuana truck,” said Thead. 

Some may notice that the penis is notably missing from this list. We suggest that you do not use your penis to press elevator buttons, since that would be incredibly unsanitary and indecent.  

All the beta males are going to be bending over backwards in hopes of a quick "slip 'n slide" if you know what I mean ;). It takes a true Chad to realize that Valentine's day is in fact gay and therefore bad.

Kyle, who typically takes on a workload of six-and-a-half STEM classes, has made the bold choice this semester to enroll in an introductory course in the Japanese department.

The warning text reads “Happy couple alert! They might be kissing, holding hands, or proposing. Are you sure you’re mentally stable enough to feel the weight of your own loneliness?” 

They don’t have sex, but that’s not really important. The closest they get is giving each other facials. 

This impressive score is thanks, in part, to Bernstein's innovative strategy to make the class as difficult and stressful as possible: He will be making cuts each week, until just one student remains.