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News


Breaking: UTB Rebrands As up the Butt in Support of Our Gays

Look out Penn: the gays are coming


New Prez Magill to Go By ‘L-Dawg’ to Get Down With the Kids

No cap, this bout to get lit.


This Dumbass Misspelled Pennslynavia on Their Resume

“Now that they see that my Crayon-eating brain can’t even spell the state correctly, I’ll never be able to sell my soul to dream companies like McKinsey, Bain, and Boston Conslutting Group.”


Student Activists Pledge to Fight For Low Income Americans They Are Scared to Interact With

“There are homeless Americans sleeping under shops all around the city. When I call the police to clear them, I make sure to remind our officers to treat them with respect and decency.”


College Board: Wordle to Replace SAT

Many schools have already announced that they will be going Wordle-optional for the foreseeable future, including Ivy League schools, Brown and Cornell.


Financial Aid Office Gives Crying, Broke Student Free Pen Before Telling Them to Go Fuck Themselves

While the student had initially entered the office seeking an increase in her financial aid package, she left in tears as the new owner of a very stylish pen and absolutely no money at all. 


Feminist! Huntsman To Be Renamed Huntswoman

It is rumored that similar initiatives will take place campus-wide, renaming Speakman hall and Perelman quadrangle to Speakwoman and Perelwoman, respectively.


We’re Done: UTB is Now a Site for Basic Gardening Tips

Yeah, so if you’re looking to plant some begonias or something, make sure to use nutrient rich soil, you ignoramuses. Plants, in fact, need nutrients to grow up big and strong. Christ, I know you suckers are just eating this right up.


BREAKING: Penn to Undergo Transfer of Power (From Blonde to Brunette)

That’s right — everyone’s favorite (natural) blonde, Amy Gutmann, is passing the baton to a woman with hair the color of roasted chestnuts, of smooth milk chocolate, of amorphous, stinky mud.


How To Recover After The NYT Mini Jingle Plays During Class And Your Professor Says “What Was That”

The congratulatory ditty has already escaped from your laptop speaker. 


Swinging Both Ways! Weather Found To Be Both 1000 and -10 Degrees Simultaneously

Sweating and shivering, sweating and shivering.


Not Again! Uncle’s Newest Girlfriend Qualifies for Kids’ Table at Thanksgiving

What? But I’m over 21, shouldn’t I be with Dave and the adults” she says to you, confused. “Yeah, but a tomato is technically a fruit, and we don’t put it in a fruit salad,” you reply, sagely. 


Oh You Can’t Name Five Brothers? Take a Lap

Yeah, I’m sorry man, I can’t let all of you guys in unless you know other brothers in the house. I don’t make the rules! Well…actually…I kind of do.


Thanks Guys! Penn Shortens Thanksgiving Break

“This makes things so much easier! My family is going to eat Thanksgiving dinner at the LAX P.F. Chang’s with me, then I’ll get right back on the plane and head back to Philly that night. Convenient!”


Greek Lady and Yiro Yiro Call Upon Zeus and Poseidon in Battle for Gyro Supremacy

Poseidon had the power to make every Greek Lady gyro just over the correct amount of moistness, which ruined each meal.


Guest Lecturer Droning On About Same Bullshit As Regular Lecturer

Students eagerly awaited someone who would be radically different than the lecturer who’d accounted for a whopping 27 hours of their online shopping time.


BREAKING: Allegro Bans Masks After 12:00 AM

In order to shield any nerd who might decide to wear a mask at such a late hour from ridicule, Allegro has decided to fully ban masks in the interest of safety. 


Inspiring: Brave Student Transforms Roommate's Side of Dorm into Compost Pile

Tired of indolence on the part of faculty and students, Stewart took the matter into his own hands by converting a non-necessary part of his dorm room, his roommateu2019s half of the room, into a fully functioning compost pile. 


Screw It: University to Convert Harnwell into New SeaWorld Location

“Screw it, release the dolphins,” Director of Residential Services Justin Hopper muttered, staring at the water leaking out the windows on the 22nd floor.


Student “Grinding Tonight” Somehow Will Be Smoking Three and a Half Joints

One moment I was by my laptop, about to type away my lab report. And then the next, I was high out of my mind. Absolutely nothing happened in between. I was as confused as you are.


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