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News


Ciao, Bella! Girl Misses First Three Weeks of Class, Still on Island Time from Summering in Capri

The water there is just so clear. Almost, like a bottle of Voss, but not quite.


Report: Record Number of Penn Students to Enlist in the IDGAF War

Even Obama is gagging, diva. 


Health Inspectors "Take It All Back" Now That Commons Moved Dessert Section Four Feet Left

We cry out and Penn Dining responds: "We hear you!"


“Sometimes, A Drink Feels Like Family” & Other Non-Concerning Statements to Help You During Rush

Are you an absolute loser who’s still lugging it through the final parts of rushing & aren’t sure if you’ll make it? Don’t worry! We got you covered.


“Let’s Get Drinks After This!” and Other Ways to End Your Last Appointment After You Age Out of Your Pediatricians Practice

Send out that When to Meet, sync your GCals, and enjoy your new best friend! 


It Be My Great Fortuna! Hot Girl in My Marketing Class Says She Supports Labor

Oh Herr Engels, Herr Marx, Chairman, Uncle Ho. I thank thee for my great fortuna. Margaret from Ohio does indeed support labor. 


Gunboat Diplomacy: Study Abroad Soft Launches About as Soft as Opening of Japan by US Navy Commodore Matthew C. Perry

Each time I see the oh so not recognizable Amalfi Coast, a discreet half image of Big Ben, or the completely unfamiliar Sydney Opera House, my mind fills with textbook figures of gouty white men in uniforms stepping out of armed ships and [ACTION REQUIRED] emails. 



Penny For Your Thoughts; Miss, For a Dollar; And Other Ways to Ask for a Letter of Recommendation

Imagine you came up with these awesome email ideas but are still struggling to get that letter. You’re seeing people around you. They’re going to career fairs. Where are you? Wilcaf. Writing satire. They have jobs. You don’t. They’ve been accepted to their abroad programs. You haven’t. 


Op-Ed: I’m Going Abroad to Gregory College House

I want to explore the world! I want my mind, body, and soul to experience different environments, different cultures, different halal carts, even! 


DRL’s Exposed Lead Pipes Reported to Cause Hallucinations: Students Claiming Encounters with Mythical Beings such as Attractive Math Majors and Clean Engineers

In response to this crisis, Penn has decided to remove all plumbing in DRL until 2028.


Photo Essay: A Tour of Penn's Campus with Coin for Scale

Now you know how large these buildings are, as well as the color of my nails. 


Rookie Mistake: Freshman Confused Why NOTO So Hard To Find at “Club” Fair

The people manning the booths were completely unfashionable and some clubs – see MERT – even prided themselves on NOT being drinking clubs.


After SFFA v. Harvard, What’s Next for Affirmative Action at Penn? We Asked Two White Guys and the Daughter of a Shanghainese Billionaire

 Through candid conversation, a consensus emerges: we should have affirmative action for rich people.


Breaking: MERT to Implement Appointment-Only Booking System

Just like other highly effective and admirable organizations here (I'm looking at you, CAPS), MERT understands the basics of supply and demand.


New Survey Finds Penn Students Chill AF, Move Different, Smoke That Chronic

Magill responded to the findings via IG story: "We are so back."


Help! I'm Trapped in the Recursive Windows of Path@Penn!

 Fellow explorer of the unchartered territories of Path@Penn, if you find this, please tell my friends and family that I love them.  And please tell the professor that I am unable to drop the class, as I am dead.  


Red, Blue…Too Many Colors! Incoming Freshman Doesn’t Know Whether to Throw Up Crip or Blood

These freshmen just come to their Quaker Day, see a mirage of colors, grab the first bandana they see, and get straight to the felonies.



“Hey, Sorry. I Was Kind of Walking Here” and Other Passive Phrases to Prevent Getting Run Over

Flipping drivers “the bird” is an overused and overly-aggressive defense to avoid getting hit by a car. Here are some nicer alternatives to properly communicate with Philadelphia’s finest automobile operators:


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