News


Penn Dining Unveils Hummus Bar, Other New Vegan Dining Options That Are Also Just Hummus

"We must celebrate our differences. My own mother was 35% vegan on her father’s side. Hummus runs in my veins!"


Pottruck Ranked Best Gym for Aggressive Male Grunting

Though they agree that Pottruck deserves this honor, Penn students are split on whether the excessive grunting is something to be addressed or celebrated.


Student With 55 Tabs Open Hasn't Opened 51 of Them in Weeks

When asked for his greatest quality, Matt Oliver (W ‘20) would probably respond with his ability to multitask.


Senior Turns 21, No One Gives a Fuck Cause Didn't That Happen Already? Wow, You're Young!

"I guess I’ll go, but if she wears a sash or posts a photo with those obnoxious balloons, I swear to God..."


We Got Him: Dean Furda is George Lopez

Have you ever seen Dean Furda and George Lopez in the same room? The answer is yes; you just haven’t realized it.


Nice! Fellow Bathroom Patrons Can't Hear You Take Massive Shit If You Leave AirPods In

Duty calls, and sometimes it calls outside the comfort of your apartment's shared toilet.


Bold Student Takes Initiative to Close Window in Chilly Classroom

Martin Clarence (C ’20) discovered something he'd long been suspecting: He is, in fact, better than other people. He is a hero.


BREAKING: Freshman Discovers Home Friends Really Just Home Acquaintances Now

“Penn students can be so intense and inauthentic. I needed to unwind with my best buds back home and enjoy some genuine human connection.”


'Take Your Professor to Lunch' Victim? Popular Professor's Diet is Now 85% Pod Sushi

Most professors covet a 4.0 rating on Penn Course Review. Dr. Eric Malor wishes he could get rid of his.


Wharton Professors Discover 9/10 Students Who Bullet Journal Are Psychopaths

Researchers at the Wharton Behavioral Lab have found a near perfect correlation between kids who bullet journal and kids say that growing up with a dog was “so annoying,” a proxy for psychopathy. 


Gasp! Religious Studies Major Comes Out as Agnostic

While talking with a friend, he stated, "Yeah I’m not religious per se, but I am spiritual."


Red-Handed: Brad Caught Showering to 'Call Me Maybe' for Sixth Time

To the surprise of literally none of his hallmates, Engineering freshman Brad Hawkins has been caught listening to Carly Rae Jepsen’s hit 2012 single “Call Me Maybe” for the sixth time. 


Wow! MEAM Student Creates Innovative Device to Work New, Unfamiliar Showers

He's set his sights on one of the most difficult engineering challenges of post-industrial life.


Students Adopt Man Named Doug When Landlord Says They Can't Have Cat

When infamous slumlord Cam Partments told College junior Greg Giacomo and his roommates that they couldn’t adopt a cat, they were devastated. 


Nice: This Freshman's PAC is '6969'

From the moment he received his PennCard that sunny August 22nd, Charles Chavez (C ‘22) knew he was cut out for excellence.


Wow, This Privileged Penn Student Can’t Think of Anything to Be Thankful For

The first few students said things like "the opportunity to study at this school" (nerd) or "my metabolism" (weird flex but okay).


Study: 85% of All Club Board Meetings Spent Continuously Restructuring Club

The study accounted for the entire spectrum of clubs at Penn: from consulting groups, to service groups, to very funny satire publications, to less funny satire publications.


University With 13 Billion Dollar Endowment Can’t Afford Drainage on Locust Walk

"Don’t I pay enough for this school? Why can’t they just install gutters or something, or have engineers with tiny straws suck up the water so I don’t have to deal with this?"


5 Manly Mountain Bikes to Conquer Potholes on Your Way to United By Blue

Tired of falling off your dinky little road bike every time you hit a Philly street crater?


Unique Work-Study Opportunity: Trimming Amy Gutmann’s Chia Pet

As for payout, you can expect a cool $7.25 per hour (as well as the priceless joy of murmuring “ch-ch-ch-chia” to yourself as you complete your horticultural duties).


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