Inshallah sorority sisters will lovingly adopt the hijab and fraternity brothers will embrace polygamy over cheating.

"How can a man love mother nature if they cannot love women?"

The news comes only weeks after reports that Penn alumnus Mehmet Oz (Med, W ‘86) directed medical experiments which led to the deaths of over 300 dogs. 

Alabama’s star quarterback Bryce Young has entered the transfer portal in hopes of avoiding the menacing Quaker D-line.

What started as a laid-back night of vibes with the brothers evolved into... a chill kickback with the brothers and a few of their friends.

“Ending the University’s support of fossil fuels has always been a priority of ours,” she said as the Board of Trustees giggled behind her. 

A halal cart menu hack! 

“We project that [Josh Williamson’s] life satisfaction will truly reach a global maximum at 2:23 am tonight,” says Dr. Michael Harrison, director of the Center for Lost Connections and Lifelong Regrets.

No like genuinely why do they always smell like salty day-old spinach

Hell yeah. I see you, brother. I come to you. One day I will weep for this. 

Schmitt founded the Treble Cough acapella group to do just that: amplify the sounds of Penn’s most prolific disruptive coughers.

After all, her son was both an Economics major and a short king. Legend.

Eyewitnesses report a shorter woman in a trench coat throwing shoes on wires in an attempt to change the campus's optics.

I don’t know what they’re saying or what Pepas means, but right at that moment, this shindig became legendary.

He got a FAANG acceptance!

According to a tiny, fine-print line written in the Constitution by our Founding Fathers, it states We MUST Not Edge for Political Gain.

More advanced features from Google rumored for the near future include the ability to upload your ex’s class schedule into the app for Google’s AI to predict where they might be walking — and to direct you away.

 “Long live Xi Jinping Thought!” proclaimed Liz Magill.

Confucius will replace Beth Winkelstein, bioengineering professor and interim provost. Confucius will be the first Chinese, first Confucian, as well as the first non-living individual to serve as Penn provost. 

Go ahead, google what a lien is.