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News


Going Green! Penn Closes Frontera in Effort to Decrease Gas Emissions from Students

Penn researchers have found that a harsh 92 percent of Penn's greenhouse gas emissions are linked to Frontera consumption.


Gaga Googoo: This Big Baby Is Drinking Pedialyte in Bed Because He Can't Stand

Brandon’s been in bed for so long today, you better hope the soft part of his skull didn’t get dented.


BREAKING: Looking to Buy One Magic Gardens Ticket

Look, I get it. You have big plans to roll with your squad, but no drug feels better than the joy of giving. Ecstasy who? Help me out.  


There's No Mumps Outbreak, Wendell Pritchett Just Really Wanted to Use "Inflamed Testicles" in a Mass Email

Upon further inquiry, UTB staff confirms that there isn’t, in fact, a mumps outbreak. Vice Provost Wendell Pritchett simply wanted the opportunity to make the words “inflamed testicles” appear in the inboxes of 8,000 undergraduate students.


Breaking: Fraternity That Failed Sensitivity Training No Longer Playing Ignition (Remix) at Parties

We all love Ignition here at Beta Gamma, but now we only listen to it privately during our pre-games.  


Tragic! This Girl Is Agonizing over Which Recitation to Choose Even Though She'll Be Skipping It Anyway

A difference of a half hour can be absolutely crucial.


University Officials Predict Flash Flooding at 'Evening With Antoni Porowski' Event Friday

The decision to declare a flood advisory was reached "after careful deliberation of a number of factors," chief among them being the presence of several hundred "exceptionally horny" students waiting to catch a glimpse of the Queer Eye star in the flesh.


Donald Trump Serves Fast Food at White House, Hoping to Recruit a Big New Pledge Class

Given the recent departures of Health and Safety Officer John Kelly and Philanthropy Chair Jim “Mad Dog” Mattis, this recruitment cycle is going to be a numbers game for the administration.


Meet the Statesman Writer Whose Piece on Pronouns Has 15 Page Views

The piece, entitled “My Thin, Graying Beard and Receding Hairline Should Exempt Me from Providing Pronouns” has received a whopping 15 pageviews all by itself, up 87% from the site’s total pageviews for the entire month of February. 


Johnny Forgets Lucky Pen and All Knowledge at Home

"That’s the pen I used to ace the SATs!"


Penn Researchers Confirm Lonely Stoners Seem to Free Their Minds at Night

While the test subjects are smoking both day and night, it seems that their minds are especially free at night.


It’s Okay Bob, My Archeological Dig Last Summer Couldn’t Find Anything Either

I flew down with a team to the tip of South America to uncover the mysteries of the Argentinosaurs. I was so excited and thought everyone would hail me as a hero for making the discovery that put the whole puzzle together. 


Louie Louie Booked Entirely by Freshman NSO Couples Celebrating Six Months

If she doesn’t offer to split the bill, I might just cry.


Mother Mary! St. Francis of Assisi Looks Confused at Friars Smoker

I was shocked. Back in my day, you had to be tapped by God himself. There were no women, and there was definitely no alcohol. I always thought those rules were dated, even back in the 13th century, to be perfectly honest.


Pledge Given Sock by Senior Brother, Is Finally Free

Universally known to be a “gigantic fuck-up,” giving a pledge a sock calls for his immediate induction into the brotherhood per the bylaws of the Interfraternity Council.


Reminder: Advance Registration Closed Last Night

Students who did not register may alternatively enroll in CIS 675, PHYS 982, or PHIL 10010043, which are all still open.


Sophomore Starts Gang Violence Rumor to Validate Uber Ride From Radian to Mixer

“I couldn’t walk there, I couldn’t have people judge me for Ubering, I couldn’t disrespect the boys of Beta Beta by not prioritizing their party.”


Meet Devin: My Baby Quaker Who Got a Contact High and Ate All of My Salami

I’ll keep this short. This Devin Wasserman kid is a little punk.


Breaking: Freshman Boy Lost Virginity over Break to “a Girl from Home”

She was so flexible when we did sex! I was able to see into her whole belly button. Fellas, us non-virgins here know how hot that is.


Frat Boy’s Facebook Party Description Awarded the BRO-Litzer Prize for Literature

The events are carefully reviewed by a committee of esteemed writers who judge the pieces on a myriad of qualifications. 


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