Penn actually cares about us so super duper much. So much, in fact, that they are now requiring on-campus housing for life! We get to live in West Philly for...ever!!!!!!!

Four people—only one of which the website revealed was my mom—glanced over my resume.

My real friends have had horse manure thrown at them while drinking Natty Lights.

"We can excuse one or two or ten racially insensitive remarks, but we will draw the line at twenty-eight.  We will not tolerate those who repeatedly—and we mean repeatedly—promote white supremacy."

Secret hangout uncovered!! Who would have thought? 

Got Depression? Not me!

UTB has secured an exclusive interview with the so-called “Penn students” who witnessed this hilarious gesture, but inexplicably remained stony-faced for the entire duration of the proverbial “show.”

According to Dylan, it's all part of the alpha mindset. “If you tell yourself you’re not cold, you won’t be c-c-cold,” he told us, teeth chattering.  

Thanks to this campus-wide fundraiser, Penn fraternities have been able to end women’s suffrage in multiple countries, including Canada, Mesopotamia, Texas, ancient Greece, and the USSR.

You used to be talking to just one person at a time? Now try 5, 10, even 20. Due to the definition of BFS dating, you’d be arriving at the same bases with all 20 of your people roughly around the same time, so that may be confusing.  

Nothing screams Ivy League like 25 beige stories studded with sparsely dispersed windows, adding some much-needed cement to the historical West Philly landscape. Plus, I often find myself yearning for an elevator ride that’s just a little bit longer.

Traditionally, if Phil emerges and sees his shadow, he returns to his hole and that means we can expect 6 more weeks of winter. This year, though, things were different. 

To learn more about this phenomenon, we reached out to long-time UTB writer Jim Allen. Although we were unable to secure an interview with him on account of his busy schedule, we were able to gain access to his personal butler, who subsequently handed us a copy of Allen’s itinerary for release to the hoi polloi.

Students planning on studying abroad in the spring have been shocked to discover that, after a year and a half away from campus and heavy travel restrictions in many overseas countries this past fall, there is practically no one who is only in need of housing for the second half of the year. 

Though many students were elated to hear this wonderful news of Penn’s moral progress, a few students, namely heterosexual females who previously listened to Profesor Ghrist’s salacious math videos, were displeased by the news.

After the decision was publicized, Wax could be seen flying above the Law School skywriting various curses and “SURRENDER SHEEPLE” in black smoke. 

As the Penn community awaits Magill taking over Gutmann’s presidency, many have assumed that tensions between the two women are high. These people are sorely mistaken—the only thing getting high is them! 

In the expansive world of fluid dynamics, fluid flow can occasionally be idealized by Bernoulli's Equation, which states p + 0.5(ρV^2) + ρgh = c.

Are you tired of the musty smell of your Quad room, where the ceiling could cave in at any moment due to the happy little colonies of mold slowly consuming the ceiling like how time slowly consumes your life? 

Sure, homework is ‘important,’ and there are ‘deadlines,’ but sexy mirror pics are timeless.  I won’t have this bod forever!