She proceeded to listen to Thinking Bout You by Frank Ocean three times. Within 10 minutes, she upped and died.

Henceforth, all that maintain ties to the Great Daily Pennsylvanian are considered traitors. Beware! 

"I'm not a hero. I'm just a kid looking to defend my freedoms. My mom said I had to clean my room, but Thomas Jefferson said I didn't have to."

After a successful reign of terror on the West Philadelphia community, Amy Gutmann is now expected to become the next ambassador to Germany under Biden’s America.

Stouffer residents will now have to live in fear, as they could have a spell cast on them at any time.

Gutmann has already packed twelve Michael Kors bags full of dirndls and pantsuits, and she now only responds to “Präsidentin Gutmann.”

So get to the Penn Bookstore today! This shit is the deal of the century.

For one teen, Michael Green (C '24), loneliness has become a thing of the past ever since he made a cool new friend: Mom. 

"Sue, I do not love you to the moon and back. Do you know how far that is?! Do you know how long that would take to travel?"

Never go back to high school. Once you escape that place, run.

This white man truly does not discriminate at all! 

Women over 45 worldwide closed their eyes on Saturday night, oblivious to the fragility of their existence, and awoke Sunday morning fluent in Portuguese. 

"Yeah, she would not stop doing poppers that night," Ryan's other gay friend Josh Compas (C '21) told us, "We were like, 'what are you doing,' but she just kept chanting 'hashtag queen shit' over and over, and then I said, 'it's literally Pride Month, Nicole,' and she was like, 'exactly.'"

Your key to a genuine conversation this Father's Day!

"I don't know what happened, but those kids are little monsters," said Mr. Jackson in an interview, "now I understand what that phrase 'too much of a good thing' means." 

Get ready to gobble and slurp your Daddy’s cummies at Hillel this fall!

Is Bo Burnham God’s gift to comedy? According to Jacob from your writing seminar, that answer is a resounding “yes”.

According to sources deep within Penn's administration, Wharton intends to use the funds to acquire Baltic Avenue for their new hotel project.

Golding was pleased with her magnum opus for about 10 months before her pride turned to indifference, dislike, disgust, then finally repulsion.

At Penn, Liang is a biannually participating member of Penn Outdoors and a thrice-rejected submitter to Penn Review. He got cut from both ZBT and Phi after two rounds of open rush.