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Seven Horrible Things About Campus That Will Make You Stop Missing It

Do you long to feel the playful Philadelphian wind on your luscious locks as you walk down Locust? Despair no more, my friend! Here are seven utterly horrible things about campus that will finally make you stop missing it so badly.

BREAKING: Penn Makes Firm, Decisive Spring Plan That Will Definitely Not Change

They are firm, realistic, executable plans that could change at any moment the second we decide something else is more profitable or convenient for us. 

US Voters Take Gold in 2020 Olympics Mental Gymnastics

Their amazing performance of pro-life but anti-mask advocacy earned the US team a spot in the finals against the North Korean team, notoriously nicknamed “The Iron Kims”. 

Student Hospitalized After Carrying Breakout Room Convo on His Back

The weight of the conversation rests on their shoulders. People crack under the pressure. The human spine isn’t meant to carry that much weight. 

Supreme Court Rules Pro-Life: Officially Mandates Masks

On October 26th, 2020, Amy Coney Barrett was confirmed to the Supreme Court. The conservative judges on the Supreme Court have a strong foothold, hoping to rule on topics such as immigration, LGTBQ+ rights and abortion. With the addition of Judge Barrett, the Court is expected to declare the constitutionality of a nationwide mask mandate to secure a pro-life agenda.

Top Reasons Your "Apolitical" Friend Is Actually Just a Trump Supporter

Maybe you tried to talk about the debate and they, fidgeting and uncomfortable, responded, "What debate?" You can't help but think: is it REALLY possible that someone can be so apolitical?

"Now's My Chance": Rick Bayless Sneaks Back Onto Campus While Everyone's Distracted

"I saw him near the Radian sitting in a bush and shoveling homemade guacamole into his mouth using his hands,” Joseph Joeford (C '22) recalled from his morning walk. “He probably thought nobody could see him, but we all could."

Brett Kavanaugh Confused, Is He Not "Packing" Enough for the Current Supreme Court?

When asked about the possibility of court-packing the Supreme Court, Kavanaugh became very puzzled. “Wait. Did you say packing? The court? But I’m on that? I certainly think I am packing enough ‘down there.’” The justice made UTB aware that his nicknames at law school were ‘The Hanging Judge’, ‘The Magistrate with Massive Meatballs’, ‘Colossal Kavanaugh’, and ‘Brett and His Big Gavel’.  

Report: Zoom Breakout Rooms Found to be Quieter than Cold Vacuum of Space

The researchers identified numerous parallels between the quietude of the cosmos and the awkward silence of students thrust into uninteresting and forced discussion with others they barely know.

BREAKING: Mike Pence Kind of Hot

Bessie came into the Vice Presidential Debate ready to support her main girl Kamala, but came out sexually confused. 

How Putin Will Vote By Mail in US Election

“First, I will mail my ballot for my good friend Donald Trump to Pennsylvania,” said Putin. “And then after that, I will also mail my ballot for Florida, Iowa, Ohio, Georgia, North Carolina, Arizona, Michigan, and Wisconsin.”

BREAKING: Acme to Open a Mini Acme Inside the Starbucks in Acme

Acme executives have voted to greenlight a 10 million dollar construction project that will erect a mini Acme inside Acme’s satellite Starbucks.

BREAKING: Trump and Biden Put Aside Differences, Agree Bulbasaur Best Starter Pokémon

“Now, there’s a lot the president and I disagree about, but here’s the deal: Bulbasaur is the American choice,” Biden said, looking directly into the camera.

Russian COVID Vaccine Turns Out to Be 195 Proof Vodka

The hopes of those Americans who still believe in science have just been dashed by this unprecedented discovery: the shot is simply filled with 195 proof vodka, making it the equivalent of injecting two and a half shots of Strawberry Lemonade Svedka directly into your bloodstream.

Voter Worried He Won’t Receive Mail-in Bride on Time

"I just want to feel her silicone presence beside me. I planned to consummate her arrival on election night, but now I'm not sure if we'll get our special evening!" 

Humble God! Rich Student Finds Only Corner of House Not Lined With Greco-Roman Sculptures for Video Call

“I almost ran straight into one of my personal butlers on the way to the ‘Zoom Corner’ as I’ve called it,” Larue recounted, fixing up his $500 haircut with a golden comb. “I was all like — good heavens!”



"Take Me Back bb" Student on Leave of Absence Begs to Return in Spring Semester

Back in August, taking a gap semester seemed like a good idea to would-be College Sophomore Sophie Smith, but now that all her friends are back in school and she's living under her parents' roof, she has decided that the spring semester can't come soon enough.

REPORT: Zoom A Capella Impossible and Also Unnecessary

After UTB reviewed a Shabbatones concert back in 2016, our staff figured that a Capella truly couldn't get any worse. However, following some unprecedented times back in March, it did.

Stuck At Home: Frat Guy Missing Parties to Start Accosting Sister’s Barbies

“Don’t judge me, Kathy! I just miss campus so much and the endless opportunity to grope women…. treading the fine line between sexual misconduct and oopsie daisy!”