Oof, This Confused Freshman Thinks Bowl is a Kazoo
The group was hanging out in the common room of the Gamma Upsilon Yamma Zeta (GUYZ) house when, according to Coleman, someone took out a “fancy looking kazoo.”
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An Interview with the Sexiest Under the Button Writer
Standing at a whopping 7 feet tall, Pamela De La Cruz replied to requests for interview ecstatically.
Oof, This Confused Freshman Thinks Bowl is a Kazoo
The group was hanging out in the common room of the Gamma Upsilon Yamma Zeta (GUYZ) house when, according to Coleman, someone took out a “fancy looking kazoo.”
Report: Penn’s Endowment Has Shrinkage
Penn is no longer well-endowed. After years of the university’s endowment growing gradually, in 2019, Penn’s endowment lost 6.5% of its girth.
An Interview with the Sexiest Under the Button Writer
Standing at a whopping 7 feet tall, Pamela De La Cruz replied to requests for interview ecstatically.
Behind The Scenes! CNN Takes Commercial Break so Democratic Candidates Can Poop
However, have you ever considered that CNN only gives candidates commercial breaks so that they can go poop?
New Mark’s Cafe Revealed to Be Social Experiment
After several confusing months and just a few stolen Starbucks cold brews, Penn has issued a statement saying the new, entirely self-checkout Marks Cafe has been a mass psychological trial on its student body. The purpose of which, Penn claimed, was to investigate its effect “on our already self-important, entitled student body.”
Penn Enacts Policy Replacing Midterms With Vibe Checks
Hell yeah, guys. After years of lobbying the school for positive and effective change, we finally have made some progress. In a statement earlier this week, boomer Amy Gutmann proclaimed that the school will be replacing all midterms with straight-up vibe checks this year.
Penn Chemistry Encourages Students to Nap Elsewhere by Cancelling Classes
“We just felt that there wasn’t enough interest in these courses,” said Penn Chemistry Professor Antonine Levoissier, “By ending the undergraduate program, we hope that we can encourage students to nap in their dorms instead of in the Chemistry lecture hall.”
Undergraduate Assembly Continues to Create Noticeable, Positive Change
After a characteristically spirited and highly publicized round of elections this Fall, Undergraduate Assembly is in session for the 2019-2020 school year. Already, the student body has demonstrated its appreciation for and consciousness of the role of a strong, centralized government.
Class of 2026 Excited to be First Customers at Steve's Prince of Steaks
The leading theory is that they’re playing a game of restaurant hide and seek so they keep the lights off so no one can see them.
BREAKING: Wait...Did You Forget About Penn Dhamaka?
Uh huh you know what it is: PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka PennDhamaka.
Actuary Science Professor Cancels Final Because he will be Dead Then
Spending every day calculating the odds of death and disaster can make the world seem like a dark and depressing place.
Fall Win! Boy Who Wears the Same Hoodie Every Day Can 'Finally Start Dressing'
Now that fall is officially upon us, that guy who wears the same Adidas hoodie every day can “finally start dressing.”
Hysteria in Bathroom: Freshman Can’t Find Start of Toilet Paper
“The roll just spun,” Kraper recalls, painfully, “Around and around. There was no end. There was no beginning. It spun and spun, like the repeating days of my life. An endless cycle, indistinguishable, unrecognizable. Time blurs into a haze.”
We Counted: Fisher Fine Arts Library Only Has Four (4) Books
Have you ever looked up a book on Franklin only to find that it’s located in Fisher Fine Arts? No? That’s because they have exactly four (4) (fɔr/fɔː) books within their walls.
Penn Football Suffers Crushing Defeat, Distracted By Newer, Hotter Quaker
After having undergone intensive plastic surgery, the Penn Quaker is no longer the terrifying behemoth that athletes and fans have come to know and love.
Quirky Gizmo on Roommate's Desk Looking Really Enticing
There it is, sitting on his desk. That thing.
BREAKING: You Are Now Breathing Manually
You are now responsible for this vital and (usually) subconscious process, and you're hating every second of it.
Arts Group Performance Looks Very Fun for Them
Just 15 minutes into the show, one thing was clear to me and everyone in the audience, these guys were having fun.
Student Event Photographer in Custody of the IRS
Sources have reported Du’s annual income as an event photographer to be upwards of 50,000 dollars. Liam Dello (E ‘21), a close friend of Du’s, said, in reality, it could be much, much more. “Evan would never tell anyone how much he’s really making. Why do you think he’s about to go down for tax evasion? He’s hiding something,” Dello said. “He started calling his consulting job at BCG his side hustle. That’s when I knew he was in too deep.”
Intense Love Affair Blossoming Between Anonymous Ferret and Anonymous Manatee in Shared Google Doc
When Anonymous Ferret added a comment asking whether the hippocampus or the amygdala was more important in the formation of fear conditioning, and the Manatee — a marine mammal known for its high intellect and romantic inclinations — responded, “ur hot."
