After years of illicitly compiling student profiles and surveillance footage from across campus, Penn’s top scientists are proud to present their newest data-driven achievement.
New College House will be renamed as Lauder College House after a major donation from the Lauder family, which sources say dwarfed the New College family’s by nearly 10 times. The move sent New College patriarch Robert William New College II into a fury.
After years of illicitly compiling student profiles and surveillance footage from across campus, Penn’s top scientists are proud to present their newest data-driven achievement.
Upon arriving at her consultation, her career advisor asked her some basic questions about her interests, majors, sexual history, vibes, and previous work experience, entering them all into the artificial intelligence career calculator.
New College House will be renamed as Lauder College House after a major donation from the Lauder family, which sources say dwarfed the New College family’s by nearly 10 times. The move sent New College patriarch Robert William New College II into a fury.
When they told me I was taking an engineering course, I thought that meant learning how to change the batteries in my string lights and setting up my Amazon Alexa.
Freshmen are so annoying. They’re so fucking entitled and think that they can get into any frat they want if they swarm it long enough.
While other interns took weekend day trips up to San Francisco, Johnson contented herself with Ubering in an endless loop from Mountain View to Palo Alto, down to Cupertino, and back to Sunnyvale. While her friends went hiking over the Fourth of July weekend, she visited her top Bay Area attractions: Facebook’s campus, Apple’s campus, and Google’s other campus.
But your arm was broken so I said we should get you some chocolate milk right away, but the gas station was out. Then we had to go to Hershey Park to get some, but all of the brown cows were on vacation in Vegas.
Like, I literally can barely see them. Their tiny tiny legs move so quickly but make such little progress.
We kept on, knowing that we were being tested because we were special, that we were the culmination of 263 of failed attempts at perfection.
Not only will winners of the PA Powerball clinch a jackpot of over 80 million dollars, but they will also receive the ultimate prize.
Greg, the HR intern, thought the box looked good, and off it went to printing!
At first I thought that the visible physical evidence of rodents was something that should be reported, but then I realized that was silly. It’s like, would you report it if your air conditioning was working too well? Obviously not, and it’s the same thing.
If he could just muster the energy to write the name of the class in a visually pleasing font, he could possibly remind himself what giving a single fuck actually felt like.
Freshmen, get your pens and pencils ready.
“It's good to be on top,” Volk said, browsing his desktops like a mad titan admiring his collection of all-powerful gemstones. “I am truly the apex predator here at Penn.”
“It’s been weeks since it started following me,” Lucero said wearily, notioning to the translucent Princeton sweatshirt hovering behind him. “I’ve already tried yelling ‘college rankings don’t matter’ at the top of my lungs, but nothing seems to faze it.”
Once again, characters whose identities are obviously and critically furry are being portrayed by non-furry actors. Jason Derulo? Non-furry. Taylor Swift? Non-furry. Idris Elba? Debatable.
Figuring eight years of vice presidential experience was not enough to prepare him for the big promotion, Biden created this role for himself to prepare for 2020.
"Yeah, I'm supposed to log 35 hours a week, but 6.75 felt like it was more than enough."
"These women are literally setting the planet on fire with their confidence. Is this really a fire we want to put out?"
Solutions by The State News
