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News


Penn Tops "Most Cartoonishly Evil Alumni" List for Third Year in a Row

The news comes only weeks after reports that Penn alumnus Mehmet Oz (Med, W ‘86) directed medical experiments which led to the deaths of over 300 dogs. 


Undefeated Penn Football Team Will Now Face Alabama at Homecoming Game

Alabama’s star quarterback Bryce Young has entered the transfer portal in hopes of avoiding the menacing Quaker D-line.


Emotional Scene: On-Campus Fraternity Brothers Disheartened as Their Party Overlooked by Fun Police

What started as a laid-back night of vibes with the brothers evolved into... a chill kickback with the brothers and a few of their friends.


Magill Announces Fossil Fuel Divestment, Crosses Fingers Behind Her Back

“Ending the University’s support of fossil fuels has always been a priority of ours,” she said as the Board of Trustees giggled behind her. 



Heartbreaking: Local Frat Brother Remains Blissfully Unaware That His Life Will Peak in 17 Hours and 21 Minutes

“We project that [Josh Williamson’s] life satisfaction will truly reach a global maximum at 2:23 am tonight,” says Dr. Michael Harrison, director of the Center for Lost Connections and Lifelong Regrets.


Shocking! Worst Looking Frat Brother is Worst Smelling Person at Pottruck

No like genuinely why do they always smell like salty day-old spinach


Oh, Hell Yeah: I Run Into My Best Friend at One of the Two Locations We Always Frequent on Campus

Hell yeah. I see you, brother. I come to you. One day I will weep for this. 


Penn to Unveil New A Cappella Group Made Up of Just People Coughing in Fisher Fine Arts Library

Schmitt founded the Treble Cough acapella group to do just that: amplify the sounds of Penn’s most prolific disruptive coughers.


Clueless Mom Fails to Comprehend That Glow Party Takes Precedent Over Home-Cooked Meal

After all, her son was both an Economics major and a short king. Legend.


Magill Spotted Hanging Sneakers Around Campus Amidst “Penn-trification” Accusations

Eyewitnesses report a shorter woman in a trench coat throwing shoes on wires in an attempt to change the campus's optics.


This Frat Party Was Just Okay... Then It Played Pepas

I don’t know what they’re saying or what Pepas means, but right at that moment, this shindig became legendary.


Aw Shucks! Former CIS 160 TA Now Works at Apple Genius Bar

He got a FAANG acceptance!


BREAKING: Wharton First-Year Edges HOWWWW MANY PEOPLE???

According to a tiny, fine-print line written in the Constitution by our Founding Fathers, it states We MUST Not Edge for Political Gain.


Google Maps to Correct Walking Directions’ ETAs to Account For Insufferable Locust Walk Small Talk

More advanced features from Google rumored for the near future include the ability to upload your ex’s class schedule into the app for Google’s AI to predict where they might be walking — and to direct you away.


Chinese Politburo Ranks Penn Second for Ideological Orthodoxy After Peking University

 “Long live Xi Jinping Thought!” proclaimed Liz Magill.


BREAKING: Confucius Appointed as New University Provost

Confucius will replace Beth Winkelstein, bioengineering professor and interim provost. Confucius will be the first Chinese, first Confucian, as well as the first non-living individual to serve as Penn provost. 



Penn to Rent Your Parent’s Unfinished Basement for Student Housing During Upcoming Quad Renovations

Quaint and comfy, this basement is complete with visible wall insulation, industrial chic lighting, and bare concrete floors.


I Seek Personal Validation by Making Eye Contact with Asian Parents Touring Campus

 I am “your cousin Kevin” now, bitch.  


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