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BREAKING: Instead of Paying PILOTs, Penn Offering 50% BOGO on Bookstore Apparel to All West Philly Residents

When asked how this decision will help out schools, Cohen stated with a smile: “The Penn Bookstore is committed to price matching any textbook needs."

CAPS to Offer Emergency Counseling for Students Who Didn't Know They Were Unmuted

“Yeah, I’m here because I dissed my professor’s new haircut pretty hard,” Phyllis Herrell (C ‘23) confessed to his counselor. “I mean, it really looked like a wild racoon made its way onto his scalp and died there, but he wasn’t supposed to hear all that.”

Anti-Maskers: West Coast Wildfires Are Just Pro-Mask Propaganda

“Of course it’s California and Oregon. The damn libertards are setting the state on fire and making smoke just so people wear masks,” said Bigdumm. “Wake up you sheeple, can’t you see it's just the government trying to control you.” 

Phila. Capitalist Group Apparently Responsible for Historic Unrest, Property Destruction

Capitalizing off tensions arising in part due to the Cold War, this group successfully destroyed the property of thousands of people in West Philadelphia during the 1960s.

Vape God Tommy Loves Breakout Rooms

“The transition to online classes has been really great.” Tommy said, “I never need to come up with an excuse not to pass the pen. All to myself, baby.” 

OP-ED: Here Is How Beto Can Still Win

Beto beats Biden by over 12 points with voters who drink craft beer!

Professor Who Says This Is Gonna Be A "Very Different Semester" To Assign The Exact Same Amount of Work

"Look, this semester is challenging us all in really unique ways, and it's certainly not going to be normal by any standards. Adjustments will have to be made," he says, handing out his unchanged syllabus. 

Freshman Misunderstands Penn’s “Online Shopping Period”, Buys World’s Largest Gummy Bear from Vat19.com

“I’m so glad Penn gave us some time to just relax and get some stuff for the year that will prepare us,” as she took a bite from her green apple flavored gelatin snack.

COVID-19 Can't Enter This Party Because It Doesn’t Know a Brother

"Wait, is that James from econ? He may be coughing and feel a bit hot but it must be from how sick and wild his night has already been." Frat doormen have an uncanny ability to diagnose COVID right on the spot and turn away those who they deem dangerous. 

Big Data: Check Out This Humongous Data

All of those majestic, flowing, glistening green stripes. What ever could it mean? I haven’t the slightest. They say to truly understand big data, you have to listen to at least fifty hours of Kraftwerk. Hey, don’t look at me. I don’t make the rules here.

With Quadruple Monitor Setup, Sophomore Attends 4 Classes At Same Time

“What's great about the set-up is that instead of sitting in lecture for 4 or 5 hours a day, I only need to sit in lecture for 1 hour."

"Hot Tub Protocol, but Like Always" Frat Chad Explains Social Distancing

"People have been telling me 'wear a mask," and 'social distance' for months but I never really understood what that meant. I'm so used to being able to do whatever I want that I felt that those measures were oppressive and didn't apply to me."

On-Campus Housing Students Assigned Prison Wardens for the Fall

On the bright side, students are fed three meals a day from Penn Commons, which thankfully did not have to downgrade their food for the prison environment. 

To Replicate Freshman Experience, Penn Residential Services to Shut Off Warm Water to Your House at Random Points in Day

“So I was showering last week, and suddenly the water went cold and the pipes in the wall started shaking and gurgling,” Rochester excitedly told UTB. “If I close my eyes, it’s like I’m really in a shared bathroom in KCECH! So cool.”

Fuck! I Have To Hang Out With My High School Friends Even More?

No, Dan, I do not want to come to your hot tub party with Kayla and Karen, I don’t care how much Corona beer you have.  

Surviving Online Hazing: A Comprehensive Guide

If they tell you to get naked on camera, tell them you live in a multigenerational home and that your grandma is in the room.

Penn Offers New Option for Students Who Cannot Live at Home: Euthanasia

“We hear you. We understand you. We stand by you. If you can’t live at home during the fall semester, why live at all?”

New Option for Stored Belongings: Incineration, $75 per Box

“We felt like these were very complicated times, so to help put students at ease, we’ve decided to simplify the stored belongings process.”

Survey: 100% of Wharton Students Used Quarantine to Launch Their Startups

Some may say that an SAT tutoring company is not a startup, but a group-of-students-that-made-an-account-with-Squarespace doesn't have the same ring to it. 

Jeremy Shows Patriotism by Hosting Super-Spreader Labor Day Picnic

"I keep a countdown of days until Labor Day like most people keep countdowns until Christmas," Jeremy explained. "One pesky little virus isn't going to stop me from enjoying the holiday I love."