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Professor with Stand up Comedy Ambitions Tests Material on Captive Class

Much of his material is based on class topics, which is hard for an audience that hasn’t done the reading since syllabus week. The rest mostly revolves around his children, married life, a little bit of politics, and nineteenth century ventriloquism.


Fraternity Plans Spring Break Trip to Southeast Asia to ‘Find Themselves’

Maybe one of them will even take a yoga class while immersing himself in the wonders of Southeast Asia.


Student Unsure of How Much Detail of Gastrointestinal Distress to Include in Extension Request

There's no way I'm gonna be able to get it done, considering I've been on the toilet for the past 13 hours.


Greasy Student on Outermost Seat Effectively Claims Entire Lecture Row as Territory

Although students without seats could bypass Wong by crawling over him and his luggage, his territory went unchallenged for the duration of the lecture due to his musky smell and greasy appearance.


Annenberg Running Club Catches Infamous Drug Lord in Serbia

"This is just what we do now. After catching that local criminal, we were ready to take on a larger challenge.  And that’s exactly what we did.” Throughout our interview, Despereaux licked what appeared to be blood off of a large machete, which, according to the professor, “has severed its fair share of drug lord limbs.”


BREAKING: Sophomore Sells Hair on Dark Web to Afford Big/Little Week

Her pixie cut isn’t the identity crisis you think it is.


"Guess I Can't Intern at Amazon Now," Says Student with No Previous Chance of Interning at Amazon

As of last week, Amazon pulled out of their HQ2 plans for Queens, closing off anticipated job opportunities for many. So, basically, as of last week, senior Whartonite Jeremy Anders’ life was ruined.


Student Shocked to Find Annoying Kid Making Loud Comments in Lecture Recording Is Himself

Earlier that day, he sat down to speed watch his lecture for his exam only to find it loudly interrupted periodically by a side conversation of two boys in the back.


My God, How Did This Happen?! Says Senior After Seven Hours in CVS

“I came in here for a roll of toilet paper, but then I saw that face masks were on sale, and after that it’s a blur.” 


“I Don’t Talk About My Pulitzer a Lot,” Says Professor 5 Minutes into First Class

Five minutes into the first class, he could already tell what was on students' minds — that they were in a class with a professor who won a Pulitzer back in ‘82.


See Ya, Sean! Jenny Is Practicing Zero-Waste, and You Didn’t Make the Cut

Along with using lots of Tupperware, Jenny is extending this mindset to other aspects of her life.


Report: Gutmann and Biden Will Make Small Talk for an Hour on Stage, and You'll Love It

The conversation should last for around 15 or 20 minutes, depending how much mileage the two can squeeze out of their initial weather conversation.


Anime Club Member Deciding Which Body Pillow to Take to Date Night

"Hinata is so beautiful and we have great chemistry, but Sawako is such a good friend and so fun to dance with.”


5 Mixed Drinks That Scream, "I Won't Be Able to Get Hard Tonight"

You know one thing for sure: no matter what happens, you will not be getting hard tonight.


Health Goddess! Shhh! She Doesn't Inhale

"Since I don’t inhale, the more times I take a smoke break or short walk around the block, the more fit I’m getting."


Quiz: Did a Frat Star Punch a Hole in Your Wall, or Was It a Tiny Mr. Kool Aid Man?

Here's the scenario: after throwing an absolutely bangin' mixer last night, you come downstairs to assess the carnage.


Brave: Senior Drinks Multiple Times a Week Despite Deteriorating Physical Health

While most research suggests that consuming alcohol in any amount is detrimental to a person’s health, Adkins feels it’s her duty to make the most of college, be it in the form of tequila on Tuesdays, Sink or Swim on Wednesdays, or drinking her weight on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. 


Senior More Committed to Earning Spot on Feb Club Smokes Plaque Than on Dean's List the past 4 Years

He is experiencing an unparalleled amount of drive that he had not yet embodied during his time at Penn: he must make it on to the Smoke’s plaque.


ROTC Student Willing to Go to War but Won't Shave in Quad Showers

"I’ll do a ten-mile run in full uniform, but do you know what’s on the walls of those showers? Neither do I, and I’m not about to risk it.”


Classes Canceled After Problematic Tweets Surface from Early 2010s

The History Department tweeted "There just aren't that many important women in history. Sorry feminists." in August of 2011. Like many of its tweets, the post did not garner significant reactions. It has since been deleted.


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