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Students Required to Purchase Access Code for Classroom Door: Lecture Seat Optional

An $80 ticket would allow access into the classroom, while a lecture seat could be purchased separately for another $120. The all-inclusive VIP package, including door access, a lecture seat, office hours and the ability to ask questions, could be purchased for $180. For another $20, you might even get a little bit of “extra credit.”


BREAKING: Amy Gutmann Endorses Mike Bloomberg, Probably

In alignment with this endorsement, Bloomberg will be donating a new building to Penn's campus, the Bloomberg Center for Stop and Frisk Cultural Studies.


New Report Finds Prof. Warren Ewens Was Benjamin Franklin's First Hire

We wish him luck for the rest of his career and hope he retires with at least 500 years of teaching under his belt. 


Mayor Pete’s Grindr Nudes Leaked

While there still remains some confusion surrounding Buttigieg’s motives, analysts have suggested that his behavior might stem from a crisis of confidence caused by his rat-like demeanor. 


Following NCAA Sanctions, Men’s Basketball Must Now Play Wearing Roller Skates

“Some of these guys have never roller skated before. We’ll have to start from the basics: cones, training wheels — hell, I may roll behind some of them holding their hips during games.”


Erika James, Newly-appointed Wharton Dean, Already Rejected From 6 Wharton Clubs

Following the grueling process of filling out repetitive Google forms and re-writing the same 250-word essay, James has faced a similar fate to countless applicants before her: cold rejection.


Student Graduates With Penn GPA 2.7, Sims 4 University of Britechester GPA 4.0

"I'm really setting myself up well for a high-paying critic career or maybe even one as a style influencer."


BREAKING: New UTB Writer, Alicia Lopez, Not Actually Funny

It seems like UTB made some crazy hiring decisions this round, and we as a general Penn readership can only hope that the organization takes this important job more seriously in the future.


Yes! 40 Year Old Man Thinks You’re Hot

You really needed something to boost your confidence. And wouldn’t you know, this balding 40-something-year-old man was just the guy to make that happen.


Class Silent After Professor Asks Question About Material Not Covered in Wikipedia Summary

“I’m usually a very active participant in class,” Michaelson said. “But then Professor Chowdry asked about something that wasn’t covered on the 150-word abstract or the Wikipedia page, and that’s really beyond my purview.”


Not Exaggeration! Jessica Reporting All Her Friends Hate Her and She Can’t Explain Why but It’s so Obvious

Under the Button is still working to understand the nature of this incident and gain any clarity at all into this developing story.


Wilcaf Will Offer Cow's Milk for No Extra Charge

Proponents of cow's milk cite the ecological catastrophe that is almond milk, the estrogen content of soy milk, and the gluten in oat milk as reasons for making the switch. 


Deadline Extended! You May Now Wait Another Week to Write Our Intern App in One Frantic Evening

You piece of garbage. We know that you haven't even started our application yet, you absolute fucking mess of a human being. What have you even been doing? Homework? A likely story.  


"It's Like a Study Group With a House," and 4 Other Ways to Explain Greek Life to Immigrant Parents

 4. "Pledging is Just Like the American Immigration Process!"


Report: HSOC Major up to Pack of Cigs a Week

When asked to explain why she smokes cigarettes despite concentrating in Public Health, Jameson was quick to explain it was only to keep from hitting her Juul.


No, Throwing a Coin Into the Hill Fountain Will Not Get You Into New College House

“Since freshman year, I’ve been throwing all types of coins in there,” said Phenn. “Pennies, dimes, nickels, half-dollars, dollar coins, bitcoins — but nothing has worked."


Eggo of the Week: Cinnamon Raisin Waffle

Meet the Penn senior who combines aromatic spices with dried fruits!


Heartwarming! This Guy "Isn't Even That Mad" Commencement Speaker Is a Feminist

“Yeah, when I heard she was a feminist, I definitely rolled my eyes,” Chad said, shrugging his shoulders, “but I didn’t threaten to boycott the ceremony." He’s so progressive! 


Pennsylvania to Go Red After International Student Gets His U.S. Citizenship

Baker, who refused to concentrate in business analytics in order to focus on finance and real estate, applied for  citizenship in order to stay at Blackstone in New York for a little longer, but little did he know he would now be able to vote as well!


Gaming Laptop Just Porn Laptop Now

Gone are the days of CS:GO and StarCraft II: Cavalcanti now uses his lil’ battlestation to explore the vast and welcoming realm of digital pleasures.


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