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News


Robinhood Complex? UTB Wants You to Redistribute Your Wealth to Us Before We Do It For You

We don’t want to hurt you. We really don’t. And honestly, at the end of the day, we probably won’t. But do you really want to take that chance? 


Republican Wonders Why Dick Leans Left

After all the anti-immigrant rallies and cross burnings, how could it lean so left? 


Professor Hides Assignment Under Modules, Discussions, and Inside Thanksgiving Turkey

“Look, you might have to do some searching to figure out where your assignments are. Not everything is handed to you on a plate--well, except for this quiz, I suppose.” 


Sarah Traveled for Thanksgiving, Don’t Worry Everyone Was Totally Masked up the Entire Time

I'm driving to my Aunt's house, which is only three hours away, and we aren't going to stop at all, like even for gas or to use the bathroom, I mean if we broke down we would literally walk the rest of the way even if it was hundreds of miles and. . .


SAD! UA Election Investigation Reveals Voter Fraud

What a Disaster! There were more BALLOTS than STUDENTS (Sad!), “glitches” everywhere, and Sleepy Amy Gutmann won’t allow a recount!


OP-ED: If You Need Me, I'll Be In Clark Park On Tranquilizers Playing Chess

Despite never having played chess--let alone played chess while high on tranquilizers--I have this gut feeling I would instantly decimate any player using the Sicilian Defense.


Vegan Seeks Repentance After Swallowing

Now all those poor little white heads with their spindly tails lay murdered at the bottom of her stomach!


Grandma Uses COVID to Avoid Thanksgiving With Shitty Grandkids

This Thanksgiving, the 82-year-old grandmother is free of the running, screaming, and laughter of her shitty grandchildren.


Alex Trebek: "What is Eternal Oblivion?"

For Alex, we decided to create a custom Jeopardy game centered around the one question we all have: what happens after we die? 


Sobbing, Demoralized UTB Writer Realizes No Stereotype Broad Enough to Apply to All CAS Students

“Haha, students in the College, am I right? Now, let’s see…” Trinkle muttered to himself, attempting to come up with a headline. “Uhhh… hm. Oh. Oh no.”


Mindy's Pod Is The Exact Amount Of People Who Were At The Late Night She Went To!

“And our pod--the hundred of us, or so--we really only see each other,” says Mindy. “And of course our significant others, people from our sororities or fraternities, and these guys I know from Temple. Honestly, we couldn’t be safer.” 


World-Renowned Astrophysicist Still Can’t Figure Out How to Screenshare Over Zoom

Students in Klaus’ classes report that what were once weekly breakdowns have now become daily episodes of Professor Klaus lashing out at his computer. “I’ve tried every route imaginable to resolve this issue,” said Klaus, tearing up. “I have disassembled and then reassembled my NASA-grade computer no fewer than 15 times.”


International Student Develops Night Vision

The only problem is that the student is now so sensitive to daylight, he plans to stay at home for the Spring semester. But who are we kidding, that’s what all of us are doing anyways.


Late Night Wawa Runs to Increase 420% With NJ Marijuana Legalization

Here is a list of people who are happy about weed being legal in NJ: Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, Green Party people, people who didn’t vote, college students, adults, people of color, white people, convenience store owners, Penn admins, the producers of Animal Planet, and me.


Squirrels Excited for No Nut November

Nationwide, Squirrels rejoice over the voluntary suffering of us wretched humans. While many of us may despise No Nut November, it is the biggest nutting season for these tiny rodents. 


Victory! New Statue Celebrating Black Womanhood Proof That Penn Is Anti-Racist, Progressive

"We care so deeply for all our students, even, I mean, especially our students of color, so it was important for us to virtue signal our support for POC to the entire Philadelphia community" informed Gutmann in an exclusive UTB interview. 


Sister "Soooo Sorry" for Eating Sandwich That You Specifically and Clearly Labelled

I know life is crazy with the election and everything but an actual real-life national tragedy has occurred and nobody is paying attention to it.


UTB Investigates Emily, Not Even In Paris

What's Emily without Paris? Or really, what's Paris without Emily? 


In Bid for Greater Gender Inclusivity, Amy Gutmann Announces New Set of STEM Courses “for Girls"

Next spring, for example, the women of Penn’s undergraduate body may have the opportunity to take “Psychology for Girls,” providing a comprehensive overview of topics ranging from “how to get boys to like me” to “hysteria.” 


Republicans Pass Covid Relief Bill Because They Care About the American People

“It’s important to put political differences aside in times of grave crisis like this,” said Lindsey Graham.


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