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News


"Math Is Beautiful," Says Not-So-Beautiful Nerd

Although he himself isn’t exactly the spitting image of beauty, Lombard does have an appreciation for something else that is beautiful.


Spring Has Sprung! Jack Broke out His Birkenstocks and Now We Get to See His Toes Everyday

After months and months of being held captive by the prison that is closed toed shoes, Jack is finally able to grace us all with his two-year-old pair of Birkenstocks that proudly display his size 11 feet.


Visiting Lecturer, The Boss Baby to Teach MGMT 248 in the Fall

Demand for the class is expected to be very high. Wharton sophomore Charlie Kurtis-Thompson said “I heard rumors Alec Baldwin will make a regular appearance.” 


Now That Lent Is Over, Junior Excited to Rail Cocaine off of His Roommate's Ass Again

He feels closer to God now that he isn’t railing cocaine off of every flat surface he can find, including his roommate’s ass, which he would often do while his roommate was asleep on the couch.


UTB's New Penn 10: Here's Penn's 10 Worst Students

In an interview, Fiorentino revealed how she fell from grace to become Penn's most notorious failure. She reported having spent her senior year religiously adhering to astrology, seeking Twitter fame, listening to Elton John's Crocodile Rock on a loop, and contemplating going blonde (even though she tried it in high school once and "it went horribly").


Penn Prof. Joe Biden Takes Official Leave From Doing Nothing to Run for President

Between his biannual speaking events with Dr. Gutmann and literally nothing else, the former Vice President of the United States will be walking away from a major role at the University as he sets his sights on the Oval Office. 


Freshman Still Without Summer Internship Officially up for Adoption

There are so many opportunities that she should totally have something by now.


Breaking: Joe Biden Declares Presidential Bid, Would Be First Penn Alum to Hold Position

The monumental opportunity this provides for the school cannot be understated. Of the Ivy League schools, Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and Columbia all have associations with previous presidents. Biden’s candidacy represents the opportunity for Penn to join the ranks of these other Ivy League schools. 


Ahead of 2020, Sororities Already Planning 2010s-Themed Date Nights

Our curated playlist spans from T-Wayne to Silentó. Acceptable dress can take the form of dressing like you’re in the NBA when you’re really 5’ 7”, cuffed jeans and Stan Smiths, or just head-to-toe Supreme.


Meet the Freshman Surviving the Rest of the Year on 4 Meal Swipes and 7 Dining Dollars

I might pop in three times a day to grab a banana from Commons. Lord knows nothing else there is edible.


Class Board Presents: Some Vague Event, but There Will Be Food

Are you ready for the most important part of your [INSERT CLASS YEAR HERE] yet?


Pennovation Win! This Allergenic Frat Boy Started Cutting His Blow with Zyrtec™

Never one to settle for the status quo, the junior used his frat's drug-fueled backlot party to his advantage last weekend. While forming lines of cocaine on a picnic table, genius struck.


Quiz: What Does the FMC on FMC Tower Really Stand For?

Under The Button staffers have discovered not a single person in the Penn Bubble knows what FMC stands for. As a result, Provost Wendell Pritchett has decided to officially rename the building, but he needs your help to decide.


Police Finally Catch Man Releasing Birds into 30th St. Station

The arrest led to the discovery of 400 birds in basement of the suspect’s University City home, along with a map of 30th street station covered in red X’s, noting the spots at which birds have been released.


Eugenics Group Disappointed to Learn EAS 203 Is Not 'Engineering Ethnics'

Members of the Philadelphia chapter of the Eugenicist Values Interest League (EVIL) were spotted in the Towne Building attending a lecture of EAS 203, a mandatory course for all engineering students. Their initial enthusiasm, however, was quickly dampened by the actual contents of the lecture.


Chez Yasmine: Take a Free Napkin, Apple, Water, and Cigarette

Before I discovered Chez Yasmine, I was appalled by Penn's lack of SABSing locations.


How to Focus in Class Even Though Your Mind Is Wandering to the Purple-Clad Member of the Wiggles

Think about your intense, all-consuming crush instead of Jeff. Never confront them and feel constant dread about it because these are your last few weeks with them. Quickly, a dark cloud of imminent regret will envelop you and taint all of your experiences, including your Legal Studies class, instead of Jeff.


Nursing Student Uses Note Cards to Remember The Sensation of Sleep

Freshman eyewitness, Shawn Lane spoke to the contents of the card. “I was able to get a closer look. The details were something like…” Lane proceeded to draw the notecard on a piece of paper, which we have transcribed below.


Sick! Guy in Front of You Has Night Mode for Excel Turned On

Seems like Ole Maxy forgot to come back to the land of the living after pulling an all-nighter working on his valuation of Toys R Us.


Innovative! This Freshman Boy Has Been Amazon Priming New Underwear All Year Instead of Doing His Laundry

He’s a busy, busy boy with many important things to do, and he can’t be bothered to take care of himself or perform basic life functions.


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