News


3 (Creative!) Things to Turn Into When You See Your Tinder Match on Locust

To Tinder users who are on the app just for some thumb action, here are three things you can turn into when you (inevitably) run into that rando you super-liked for no reason at all! 


BREAKING: Girls Wearing Matching White Adidas Want You to Go to Their Sorority's Philanthropy Event

She was wearing Stan Smiths and would wave flyers in front of passersby, at times even forcing the slips of paper into victims’ mouths.


Heartbreaking: This Sophomore Only Knows What Day of the Week it is Because of 'The Daily'

For College sophomore Sofie Perez, every day is a waking temporal nightmare.


Report: Air Quality in Hotboxed VP Bathroom Better Than Average Room in Quad

The report comes after the discovery of mold in several rooms in the Quad.


Wharton Sophomore Proudly Declares No Need to Go East of Steiny-D Ever Again

Wharton sophomore Aguistin Latimer always wanted a small campus vibe.


Report: 70% of Penn Undergrads Still Can't Cook Anything Except Mushy Pasta

Although almost a full week has passed since the release of this report, President Amy Gutmann has yet to comment on the matter.


Man Tries Desperately to Absorb Sunlight Before Sun Disappears for Five Months

College senior Mark Judge was recently spotted laying shirtless on Locust Walk, with sunlight hitting his entire body.


Voting Along Party Lines, Student Selects 'D' for Every Answer on Econ Midterm

Bowers said on exiting Towne “I’m just hoping a lot more people made the choice I made today. Because if not, the curve is really going to fuck me over.” 


Class Goes Two Minutes Past 12:50, Whole Class Revolts

Current estimates suggest losses totalling over $10,000, including broken laptops, desks ripped off their hinges, and at least three broken noses and several other alleged broken noses that are being used as excuses to get a nose job.


Pre-Major Advisor Fakes Death, Leaves Country to Avoid Advising Freshmen on Course Registration

Dr. Smith did not respond to requests for comment, but a one-way receipt for a plane ticket to Aruba and her latest Facebook posts show that she is far away from the stresses of dealing with the acne-ridden, stress-fueled, overly affluent freshmen who occupied her previous daily life.  


Penn Debate Society Joins Forces with Gritty to Discuss the Inevitable Breakdown of Late-Stage Capitalism

Mayhew also said she and other debaters have been big fans of Gritty for a long time. 


Student Voter Turnout at Record Low After Postmates Discontinues Ballot Delivery

The service would pick up and drop off ballots for students for only $9.99, traveling distances as far as 0.2 miles (the furthest any student is from a polling location).


Student Sitting Around and Texting at Pottruck Actually Doing Vigorous Kegel Workout

Jamie Reston (C '19) entered the gym with the intent to warm up on the elliptical and then jump into a core-blasting pelvic floor exercise.


How Could He?! This International Student Still Hasn’t Registered to Vote

For some reason, the Mexican international just can’t do it, even though he gets pestered by the same, perpetually-smiling guy on Locust every day.


CAPS Will Now Station Local Grandma Who Believes Therapy is 'Full of Shit' in Van Pelt Lobby

Unlike the program in Huntsman, non-College students will have equal access to the grandma hired for this position.


New Study Finds that 72% of Students Going to the Bathroom During Class Are Actually Going to Hit Their Juuls

Have you ever been trying to take an innocent trip to the bathroom when, in the next stall over, you hear the tell-tale snap, crackle, pop of a Juul pod that’s less than 50% full?


Comedic Genius Calls Wharton Student a Snake

Lenny Kravetz (C ‘22) entered college without a sense of direction.


Generous: SHS to Provide Communal ChapStick This Fall

It’s obvious that we’re blessed to go to Penn. We have great sports teams, a robust counseling program, and cold weather. 


Research Shows: Cali Bro Still Wearing Tank Tops Not Cold Resistant, Just a Tool

Researchers at Penn are investigating a specific breed of person who may require no such protection from the elements: the tank-top-flaunting “Cali Bro.”


5 Steps to Stop Shirking Your Club Responsibilities Once and For All

Life has been busy. Homework is endless. You were supposed to send those emails a while ago.


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