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University Announces Student Vaccine Distribution Plan for Penn Community

The Daily Pennsylvanian reporters met with school administrators earlier this morning to collect information about the logistical outline of the coming weeks.  


Pottruck Heats Up, Expands, Initiates Birth of Observable Universe

Onlookers claimed that Pottruck’s rapid expansion, which left fully-formed planets and entire galaxies in its wake, happened in the span of “a couple milliseconds.” As expected, everyone in the gym at the time was immediately vaporized.


Four Items From Urban Outfitters Clearance Rack That Say: My Parents Were Absent During My Developmental Years

Every piece of clothing in Urban Outfitters tells a story. Some say, "I just moved from Rural Virginia to Philly and boy do I need to stop wearing skinny jeans." Others say, "I just deleted Hinge for the sixth time, but this Saturday night I will redownload it."


Penn Is Forcing Meal Plans on Sophomores So that Dining Workers Are Paid More, Right?

 We all know that Penn is a seriously cash-strapped institution. The existence of Gregory College House is proof that the university does not have enough money to keep things in repair. If the school can’t even maintain dorm buildings, how do you expect Penn to pay its dining hall workers? 


Frats Compete With Testing Sites for Larger Turnout

We're the only ones allowed to have large gatherings! 


Penn Improves on COVID Dashboard by Replacing Numbers With “This Is Fine” Meme

 If students were curious they could double click on the image which takes them to a page with the meme as an animated GIF so the flames move.  


Zoom Releases “Anti Pin,” to Hide the Ugly Motherfucker With Their Camera on in Lecture

Thank god Zoom has finally accommodated its users by letting us hide the bitch once and for all. 


Fraternity Brother Tells Contact Tracer COVID Transmissible Through Zoom Lecture

Students have wrongfully pointed their fingers at Greek Life when, all along, it was the breakout rooms that lead to all the cases. 


Coming Soon: OrPizza, NorPizza, XorPizza, NotPizza

u00a0Thus, the Law of Total Probability is satisfied. u00a0


UTB Writer's Grandma Confident He'll Hit His Stride if Given Time

Evan has struggled to make the leap from cracking jokes at family dinners or retweeting funnier people to cranking out solid satire twice a week but his grandma was quick to point out that he was also slow to learn the alphabet.


CAN’T FOCUS IN ZOOM LECTURES? TRY COCAINE!

 Every time you look into the screen, do you just see a void of letters and numbers and symbols that don’t mean anything as they dance around the screen like monkeys bouncing off the walls after having too many bananas dipped in concentrated Monster Energy drink? 


It Just Looks Sooo Yummy! Freshman Makes It Big Food-Blogging 1920 Commons

The establishment is rapidly gaining prominence nationally and internationally, and is expecting to be awarded the third, coveted Michelin Star later this week.


BREAKING: A New Annotation Has Been Added to Your Canvas Submission

That night, everything becomes clear under the ruthless moonlight. A new annotation has indeed been added to your canvas submission. MATH114 TA Bob Greisch has assessed your quiz and annotated: “None of these steps really help you get towards upper triangular.”


Annenberg Study Finds That Everyone Just Needs to Chill Out a Bit

“What we did was have our trained research fellows go out and observe people. They would look and see if people were like kinda chill and just vibing or if they were totally nutty and psycho,” Dubois said.


Freshman Being Bullied in Sorority Groupchat Happy to Have Finally Found Her Sisters

I’ll have another chemistry midterm, but the approval of a top tier frat can’t be regained once it’s gone.


Penn Party Denier Just Has Really Strong Cold

Literally, like literally, no parties have been going on whatsoever. 


Job Too Stressful: Amy to Self Care in NY

Take care of yourself bb <3


COVID-19 Slay! Couples Share Saliva Vial to Save Time Getting Tested

 Due to these new testing protocols, there has been an increase in elaborate kissing outside of testing centers.  


Freak Freshman Is "Fired up and Ready to Go" After Fully Recharging in Two-Day Spring Stay

 “Wednesday. Thursday. Two full days off— just amazing really,” Chapman said. 


Student Who Hasn’t Eaten in 30 Minutes Hands Back Jolly Rancher Blue Spit Test

Jacob doesn’t even eat Jolly Ranchers. “I mean, don’t look in the cabinet, but if you do, the big bag of them in the kitchen belongs to my roommate.” 


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