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Penn Therapy Dog Tired of Your Shit

 “These students think I can’t understand them,” said Fluffy. “But I can understand everything. All the things they tell me, they hurt me. I never knew the world was such a horrible and cruel place. And I don’t understand why I have to bear the psychological burden of the cruel human world. Now I can never sleep at night.” 


Extremist Group You Don’t Care About Does Something You Don’t Understand in Country You Haven’t Heard Of

The extremist group has appeared on your Facebook feed many times in the past—you always respond to those posts with a “sad face” emoji.


Feeling Generous This V-Day Season? Consider Purchasing Roses to Help Local Sorority Sisters Go to Vegas

Anything helps and it only takes a second of your time. Be charitable this holiday season and change a young girl's life. 


Campus in Agreement: Shameless Plug Actually Pretty Shameful

To calm the concerns of the Penn community and pat down controversy caused by his “shameless plug,” Cox reminds everyone that the proceeds of his club’s fundraiser will go to the Trump 2024 campaign.


Important Announcement From Amy Gutmann: This Is an Important Announcement From Amy Gutmann

Very Important Announcement From President Amy Gutmann Very Very Important Look Here Read Now Today Read


Beloved Math 104 Professor Robert Ghrist Unveils New NSFW YouTube Channel

Though his instruction is clear, most of prof/g’s success can be attributed to something far more crude: his god-given voice. 


Fuck It—Penn to Require On-Campus Housing For-Life

Penn actually cares about us so super duper much. So much, in fact, that they are now requiring on-campus housing for life! We get to live in West Philly for...ever!!!!!!!


The Next Zuckerberg? My LinkedIn Profile Just Got Four Views

Four people—only one of which the website revealed was my mom—glanced over my resume.


Imbecile! Rush Who Dropped Fraternity Expects To Still Be Friends

My real friends have had horse manure thrown at them while drinking Natty Lights.


Justice Served! Penn to Implement “28 Strikes and You’re Out” Policy Towards Racially Insensitive Professors

"We can excuse one or two or ten racially insensitive remarks, but we will draw the line at twenty-eight.  We will not tolerate those who repeatedly—and we mean repeatedly—promote white supremacy."


Observant Instagram User Realizes Friend Group Has Hung Out After Seeing Twenty Reposts of Same Story

Secret hangout uncovered!! Who would have thought? 


Depressed Student Cured After Therapist Tells Her She’s Amazing

Got Depression? Not me!


Meet the Bitter and Unfulfilled Penn Students Who Stared Blankly After I Stuck My Thumbs in My Ears and Made a Funny Face

UTB has secured an exclusive interview with the so-called “Penn students” who witnessed this hilarious gesture, but inexplicably remained stony-faced for the entire duration of the proverbial “show.”


BREAKING: Guy With Something To Prove Wearing Shorts Right Now

According to Dylan, it's all part of the alpha mindset. “If you tell yourself you’re not cold, you won’t be c-c-cold,” he told us, teeth chattering.  


Progressive! Frats Host Anti-women’s Suffrage Fundraiser, Claiming They “Don’t Want Women to Suffer Anymore”

Thanks to this campus-wide fundraiser, Penn fraternities have been able to end women’s suffrage in multiple countries, including Canada, Mesopotamia, Texas, ancient Greece, and the USSR.


Romantic Dating With Breadth vs Depth-First Search Algorithms

You used to be talking to just one person at a time? Now try 5, 10, even 20. Due to the definition of BFS dating, you’d be arriving at the same bases with all 20 of your people roughly around the same time, so that may be confusing.  


OP-ED: They Should Just Stack the High Rises on Top of Each Other

Nothing screams Ivy League like 25 beige stories studded with sparsely dispersed windows, adding some much-needed cement to the historical West Philly landscape. Plus, I often find myself yearning for an elevator ride that’s just a little bit longer.


Punxsutawney Phil Predicts 6 More Weeks of Bitter Suffering

Traditionally, if Phil emerges and sees his shadow, he returns to his hole and that means we can expect 6 more weeks of winter. This year, though, things were different. 


Report: 9 Out of 10 UTB Writers Enjoy Lives of Fame, Luxury, and Excess

To learn more about this phenomenon, we reached out to long-time UTB writer Jim Allen. Although we were unable to secure an interview with him on account of his busy schedule, we were able to gain access to his personal butler, who subsequently handed us a copy of Allen’s itinerary for release to the hoi polloi.


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