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News


Breaking: 96% of Penn Undergrads Now Under the Devil's Sway

Although students were initially wary of this forced conversion to Satanism, the student body was surprisingly largely receptive to the policy decision.


Philanthropy Win! Fraternities Encourage Fitness by Telling Freshman to Take Laps

Want to come party but don’t know Jeff or Matt? Better stretch at the pre-game and get ready to take a lap.


Study: Marijuana Not Linked to Behavioral Issues, Dad

Furthermore, marijuana consumption is not linked to emotional outbursts, so suck my dick, Dad. You are literally the worst and I hate you. 


Girl Who Hands out Last DP Copy Can Finally Die

“I was sitting on a bench for a while just watching this poor girl get rejected over and over again. It was so sad. She only had one copy left and was clearly desperately trying to get rid of it, so finally I just I decided I had to take it from her."


Report: 97% of SHS Funding Goes to Futuristic Elevators Rather Than Healthcare

It’s such a relief to finally know our tuition dollars are being put to good use.


Self-Care Win! Guy Takes Break from Math Homework and Does Physics Homework Instead

I’m glad I took the rest of my day off to do some fun and lighthearted theoretical physics.


Rachel Van Pelt Condemns Participants in College Bribery Scandal

1.2 million dollars wasted in bribes — just think. We could have had another library.


'Never Do Drugs' Say Parents Who Said They Would Never Get Divorced

It would appear that the very same parents who told their son, current College freshmen Sean Greene, that he should “never do drugs,” had, three years prior, maintained a stance that they would “never get divorced.”


Courageous! This Vegan Convert Is Swearing off Man-Meat

A few weeks ago Gerbleman decided to join the Vegan’s Advocacy Group (V.A.G.), and she swears it was the best decision of her life.


“So That’s Why I Didn’t Get Into Stanford” Says Every Single Penn Student

Sources close to the Penn student body report that every single Penn student is now convinced that they only got rejected from Stanford because their spot was taken by someone whose parents bribed the school. Under the Button caught up with Engineering junior Jasper Ortega (E’ 20) for his take.


Nice! This Senior Has Nothing Lined up After Graduation but Is Okay with That Because His Lifestyle Permits Failure

The pressure from employed seniors doesn’t help. It’s reported that a gang of seniors — all of them headed to Goldman Sachs as analysts — raided the Saxby’s on 40th, throwing hot coffee at people, and uttering, “Employed yet, idiot?”


Valiant! This Junior Attended Mask and Wig’s “The Book of Mermen” Completely Sober

With a blood alcohol content of 0.00%, Joseph stepped through the doors of the Mask and Wig Clubhouse.


Sanitary! Student Announces He's Pre-Med Before Disinfecting Your Cut with Cheap Vodka

He subsequently tilted the handle over the side of her thigh and let the vodka dribble down and seep into the now disinfected wounds. 


Home Sweet Home! Freshmen Find the Housing of Their Dreams: The Dumpster Behind Tortas

“We were looking at HamCo for a long time because of all its amenities, but it was too expensive."


Meet the 4 Penn Juniors Who Are Reading Books for Fun Outside of Class

Instead of unwinding with an episode of The Office or with a few bottles of wine, some Penn students are now turning to recreational reading as a means of de-stressing.


"This Should Be Easy," Says Professor Who Has Studied This Exact Topic for Decades

Esteemed chemistry professor Kenneth Bullion glossed over an entire section of notes, leaving already confused students utterly in the dark.


Innovative! Administration Uses Outdated Memes to Engage Students

Administration members are so excited to have stumbled upon this hidden gem of the digital age. Some were generous enough to share some of their thoughts.


UA Launches Fet Club, Offering 30 Days Of Kink Play For Seniors

Though details are still being finalized, likely events include a furries happy hour and a night at a BDSM club in Atlantic City.


Report: Some Students Actually Quite Happy

Despite the spine-breaking, sexless, and financially crippling nature of their existence, some students claimed to be, “Just fine,” “Grateful to be here,” and, even, “The best they’ve ever been.” 


Embarrassing: This Student JUST Discovered Go-Gurt

After his 503rd time running out the door to make his 9 a.m. recitation without having time to scarf down a quick yogurt, an idea came to him. What if there were a more portable yogurt?


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