Heartbreaking: New UTB Writer Discovers Nobody Reads Beyond the Headline of Articles
Are you telling me that not a single person made it to page 52 of my long-form satire from last week?
Opinion
OP-ED: You Couldn't Even Pay Me Gutmann's Salary to Finish My Writing Sem Homework
Not only am I paying for writing sem — I also couldn't be paid Gutmnan's salary to complete my peer review by tonight.
You're Welcome: Here Are 12 Free Sentences You Can Just Drop Right Into Your Essay
Don't worry about plagiarism or anything; you have my permission to just fling these into your work willy-nilly.
OP-ED: Scoot Squad, We Run These Streets
Philly is a city in need of a protector. And for the small, heavily guarded and heavily gentrified bubble that is Penn, Scoot Squad is up for the challenge.
Life Tip! Name Your Child Steinberg-Dietrich If You Want Them to Have a Building That's Named After Them
It is hypothesized that if everyone were named Steinberg-Dietrich, the class system would collapse, as no one would be able to tell who the real Steiny-D is.
5 Snarky Comments Your Roommate Kevin Probably Makes as He Steals Your Toiletries
“Wouldn’t this toilet paper just look so good in my bathroom instead?”
Hey I Left My Juul in Ac Have You Seen It?
But uh, hey, remember when we went to AC for Feb club?
OP-ED: Why Is It Called Morning Wood and Not Breakfast Sausage?
It conveys that we're talking about the wee hours and imparts a hot, beefy aftertaste.
OP-ED: God is Dead, and the Smell of This Man Next to Me in the Elevator Killed Him
My creator has surely abandoned me in this time of need, left me to float in the warm, sweat-scented air of this metal container, hurtling upwards towards what I hope will be my eventual demise.
OP-ED: I Want a Job for the Benefits, like Being Able to Tell My Mom I Have a Job
Not just my mom, though. I’d also like to be able to tell my friends and, perhaps most importantly, my many, many enemies. One day, I’m going to change my occupation on Facebook, and it’s probably going to get bare minimum 1000 likes.
Weird: Kevin is Going Home for Spring Break and He's Not Even Poor
Kevin isn't poor. I mean, I've met his parents. His dad is kind of ugly and his mom is hot, so yeah, I bet he's rich.
OP-ED: Penn's Hookup Culture Doesn't Exist, Cuz If It Did I'd Be Slaying Mad Poon
Think about it. If people here really got down and dirty before dating for at least seven months, I, of all people, would be reaping the benefits.
OP-ED: I Hope the World Ends Before I Graduate so I Don’t Disappoint My Mother by Not Going to Law School
mean, sure, being a lawyer would be cool. I guess. But, bro, let’s be real. That is hella work. Applications, recs, LSATs, etc. I can’t even get my UTB articles in on time.
OP-ED: Sorry I’m Late. I Didn’t Want to Come
But this time, I’m telling you the truth. I didn’t want to come to this GBM so intensely, it’s actually a miracle that I’m here at all. I already know the names of everyone in my sketch group. Plus, your “announcements” are things you could just send us via email.
Thought Experiment: I Think I Could Do More Push-Ups Than Wendell Pritchett
That’s not to say that I’m necessarily very good at push-ups, just that I think I’m definitely better at them than Wendell.
5 Laptop Stickers to Show Everyone Just How Intellectual You Are
Luckily, at UTB, we have devised a highly scientific method of determining which laptop stickers toe the line between being an obnoxious braggart and a saintly intellectual.
Get You a Girl That Can Do Both! I Love Socialism and Urban Outfitters
Workers of the world unite! But can you not, like unite SO much? I still want my crop tops.
OP-ED: These Articles Embarrass My Family and Haunt My Future Job Search, so Please at Least like Them
Let’s be honest: when I’m in job interviews, I say I write for the Daily Pennsylvanian.
OP-ED: I Would Totally Send My Daughter to Public School, but It’s Important to Me That She Tries Water Polo
How else will she be a nationally ranked athlete unless she joins a sport that less than 5,000 people in America play?
