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Opinion


OP-ED: Now, It's My Turn to Laugh.

Ha! Hah! Ha-ha-aha! Oh, what sport! What astounding, overflowing levity! Man, this is liberating. Grant me restraint, Euphrosyne! I beg of you.


Hold up! How Did Wendell Get My Number?

Students began to text back "new phone who dis," and various memes. Pritchett did not respond to these texts. 


Wendell Pritchett Not Mad, Just Disappointed

Wendell knew that they were just misguided rugrats that needed a little love and support to stop them from killing the innocent people in West Philly.  


Five Trending Pillow Talk Topics To Get Them Hot and Heavy

*whispers sensually* equitable pay for all 


Don't Mind the Bubonic Boils, I Have a Green PennOpen Pass

I have caught Covid 7 different times, and have not once tested negative since March 13th. I have blood dripping from my eyeballs in quarts everyday.  


Whew! Now Penn Students Don't Have to Pretend to Be Embarrassed By President's Connection to University

While many feel as though they only settled for Biden, not having to act embarrassed by a direct connection to the President feels like a win. At this point it almost feels like being actually proud of a Penn alumni might just be too greedy.   


QUIZ: Should I Take Next Semester off or My Top Off?

I'm really having a difficult time deciding. 


UGH: Hometown High Schoolers Took Your Old Make Out Spot

Absolutely tragic! The Zoomers have won once again.


Op-Ed: You Should Probably Start the Readings Now

I know you think you deserve a quick little 10-minute break (spoiler alert, you don't) and that you were hoping that a little UTB and chill would be helpful in relieving tension and help you focus long term, but trust me, it's not helping!


Liberals Use Santa As COVID Propaganda

Santa can't get sick? Well guess what, neither can I! 


How to Tell Your Mom You’re Dating a SoundCloud Artist

Mom, all I’ve ever wanted to do is make you proud. I hope that you’re supportive, come to accept him into our family and don’t mind if he occasionally showers in our house. 


Profs. Encourage Group Work, but Not Collaboration

Have all this group assignments been for nothing? 


Friend Who Does Cocaine Worried About Health Effects of Wearing Mask

Liam has already suffered the effects of the damn mask and blames his tyrant governor for crippling his young body. When he wakes up his body trembles, he suffers almost constant nose bleeds and his heart is always racing.  


Best DIY GF Gift: Letting Her Finish First!

Who said chivalry is dead? 


Warning: Penn Hookup Culture MUCH Different at Home

There’s this chick, right? Get this: everytime I try to put on the moves, she just stares at me, looks all concerned, and then asks me to come down for dinner before it gets cold. Like, what the hell?


A Guide to Dealing with Liberal Relatives Over the Holidays

As your Aunt Cathy is nursing her sixth glass of Chardonnay, yelling that Nancy Pelosi was paid by the Democrats and Big Poor to slip Trump COVID-19 just weeks before the election, it is best to identify your allies, finding the other young, liberal democrats with whom you can discuss your rejection of conventional religions openly and freely. 


You Wish You Were a Fat, Little Turkey Now, Don’t You?

You want those stinky little capitalist consumers vying for you in the supermarket, fighting to bring you home, ram their fists up your ass and then dunk your tender meat in cranberry sauce. Mhmm mhmm mhmmmmm. Doesn’t the American Dream taste delicious? 



“Hey! I’m Doing Well, How Are You?” Says Liar

You can say you're doing well but we all know you’re growing increasingly concerned about your family’s alcoholism creeping up on you faster and faster. 


Student Contemplates Homicide Against Friend Who Is “Finished With Midterms”

Of course they always seem to be Wharton students while the people in real classes slave away with test after test. Thankfully Wharton caters to their dumb and lazy student body by understanding their weak frame can only handle so many exams in one semester. 


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