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Opinion


My Failures Don't Define Me. That's My Electric Skateboard's Job.

Since I started riding my futuristic platform of gliding excellence, I haven't even come close to self-identifying as a failure. I self-identify as one of Nikola Tesla’s chosen few. 


OP-ED: I Didn't Find a Subletter For the Summer and Yes, I Am Giving Up

The process for finding someone to rent your room is toxic and competitive. So, this year, instead of feeding into the system, I’m giving up my search to find a subletter.


Greek Life is Bad Because it Encourages Companionship, and That is Something I Can Live Without

If you find yourself stressed out and in need of help from your peers, you should probably just do what I do. Run away from your problems and blame it all on your astrological sign. Classic Pisces. 


If Penn Actually Cared About Mental Health, the Jonas Brothers Would be Performing at Fling

It doesn’t take a genius to realize that having the Jo Bros perform at Fling would significantly increase the overall happiness of the undergraduate student body. It’s obvious that serotonin levels rise exponentially when looking into Nick’s beautiful curls or Joe’s dreamy eyes.


OP-ED: Sorry Class Board Candidates, I’ll Only Vote for You if Your Name is Hot

I am not going to remember your name. There are about 36,000 people running for the UA (sidebar – I don’t even know what that is) and another 4 billion running for internal secretary president of the College’s class board chair, and I cannot keep track.


Student Spotlight: Short Sleeve Button-Down Shirt Guy

Despite the interesting pattern on his shirt, on the inside he is a fairly basic guy.


OP-ED: The Mouse in My Apartment Doesn’t Pay Rent so I’m Going to Murder Her and Her Entire Family

I know that she’s probably got an entire family to support, but that family is living in my closet, eating my food, and taking advantage of my heating bill. I’ve been abused enough by this system.


How to Avoid Your Childhood Trauma by Developing an Astrology Obsession Instead

While other religions or scientific paradigms are "legitimate" and have withstood the test of time, they are also patriarchal and may remind you of your childhood.


OP-ED: March Madness? I'm Not Even Done with Seasonal Depression!

Is this Big Pharma using its massive Popeye arms to wrestle the country into shelling out more money?


OP-ED: I’m Majoring in CIS Because I’m Genuinely Interested...in a Job?

It didn't have anything to do with the fact that I had a hard time finding an internship the summer before.


How to Feel Cool Even Though You Planned Your Own Birthday Pregame

You definitely have friends. Good, close friends. You eat meals with them, you study with them, you watch movies with them, and you even drink with them — except on your birthday. 


A Rap: Everyone Go Back to Your Rooms, I Hate Seeing You Outside

I enjoy how batshit scared all of you are of the cold — of a crispy, red leaf gently falling onto your Barbour coat. 


OP-ED: This Lent I'm Giving up Sex (Not Butt Stuff Tho lol)

My body is a “temple[sic] of the Holy Spirit” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). It hurts to say it, but Ben’s penis won’t be defiling my temple anymore.


OP-ED: I Totally Know Who Miguel Is, but I’m Asking to Make Sure You Know…

Oh wow, so Miguel is gonna be playing at Fling. That’s awesome..right? Is it good or not good?


OP-ED: I've Got Huge Balls, but Not Because I Have Mumps

I mean, these cojones? Inflamed? No way in hell, broseph.


Ladies: Does Your Man Have the Munchies or Has He Just Neglected to Feed Himself for a Week?

You’ve been busy with exams and clubs the past week and haven’t seen him in six days. It’s entirely possible that he hasn’t had a sufficient meal in that span of time.


Please Ignore My Swollen Lymph Nodes and Let Me Hit That Juul

Do I have mumps ? What the hell, man, course not. 


This Desperate Guy Keeps Asking Me to Meet Up, Claims He's My 'Advisor'

 Wanna know the worst part? This creep only contacts me through email. 


OP-ED: Stop Asking Token Male Candidates to Run for Office

Why are we encouraging these men to run for a position that they will never be able to do successfully?  


How to Walk down Locust so Everyone Knows You’re from New York

Ah, Locust Walk. The highway of University City. Traffic can be a nightmare, but luckily, you’re from the city that never sleeps. Here are some tips for making it to DRL in a breeze while never letting anyone near you forget your heritage.


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