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Opinion


A Trip Into Psychedelic Medicine: I Took Ketamine at a Party

No, Mom and Dad, this is not some irresponsible decision or “proof that I need to get my shit together.” This is ketamine, and now researchers say that it has the potential to help heal from trauma or treat mental illness or something, I don’t really know. 


Meet the Penn Students Who Ghostwrite All of My Articles

We’re the Penn students who ghostwrite all of Ian’s articles Yeah Yeah Hehe It’s not easy work but he pays us in exposure Speak for yourself muchacho Hehe Guys! Shut up! For Pete’s sake! Let her speak!


A Cappella Show Review: They Just Sang the Cup Song Over and Over Again

The rest of the show went on this way, with each new version of the song adding a new cup in the background, as well as occasional harmonizing.  


OP-ED: The "W" on My Transcript Stands for Winner

A sweet, sweet little "W" to signify how awesome I am.


OP-ED: Gender Studies Should Be a Wharton Major

How can Wharton students go into the business world successfully without reciting Barbara Frischmuth's feminist theory auto-biography Die Klostureschule (in original German) by memory?


If I Don’t Wave At You On Locust, I Don’t Dislike You, I Hate You

People like to assume that when they don’t get a wave back it’s because the other person just didn’t see. Well I’m here to reassure you, I saw it.


OP-ED: They Should Do a Capella With Instruments

The banjo. The banjo cello. The bass banjo. The five-stringed banjo. The four-stringed banjo! The  ZITHER BANJO! All of those fine, fine instruments at your disposal— and you choose your mouths? 


Masturbation Marathon! My Roommate Is in the Shower

Ten blissful minutes seal my fate; I fervently self-lubricate. A breast to rub, a bean to flick, I close my eyes. I masturbate.


“I’m Coming to Your Show” and Other Lies I’ve Told This Week

Can you bear to look into their eyes, their innocent, pleading eyes, and tell them no one cares? I certainly don’t. Here are three excuses to use, and other lies I’ve told this week.


REPORT: Professor Is Cool Because He Says “Fuck” a Lot

But more than that, he is deemed an inimitable professor also because of his habitual usage of the popular curse word, “fuck.” 


OP-ED: What The Fuck Is A Provost?

Provost this, provost that. Someone help us out here.


Op-Ed: Amy Gutmann has 7 Horcruxes and Here’s What I Think They Are

After first setting eyes on Amy Gutmann, any Penn student will ask themselves the same question -- how the fuck does her skin look so fucking soft and she’s literally 70 fucking years old?! The answer might surprise you.


OP-ED: They Should Replace Louie Louie With a Second McDonalds

A monument to the people shall arise where elite culture once dominated. 


OP-ED: Van Pelt Bag Checks are Proof We are All Trapped in Foucault's Panopticon

Foucault conceptualized the panopticon as a way for those in power to use technology to control the flow of information in society, a calculated, intricate apparatus embedded in the very logic of social structure and function. 


How to Promote the Gay Agenda as Someone who Hates Coffee and Doesn’t have Money

The time to end iced chai is now. Follow these tips so you're never caught drinking a gay, sissy drink again.


Five Middle Aged Men to Dress Up as for Halloween (Bald Cap Required)

Need some last minute costume ideas? I've got you covered. 


Ad: Join My Senior Society for Hot Sluts

Our main thing is smoking cigarettes on benches on Locust to help us stay skinny.


OP-ED: Hey, You’re Pretty Hot - Do You Want to Share This Table in United by Blue Together?

I hope there’s a table free - need to have some sense of solitude while I simultaneously work and sip on my thirteen (13) dollar coffee-adjacent drink. 


Op-Ed: How Do I Unsubscribe From the Listserv of the Philomathean Society?

In the emails, they kept talking about “admission” into the “society.” As far as I’m concerned, we all already live in a society. I had no idea that you had to go through interview processes to be in society now. A bit ludicrous.


Postmodern Condition: I Keep Showing Up to Class Even Though it’s Fucking Boring

Society has truly robbed us of the simple pleasures in life.


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