Breaking! Under the BOTton Bot Now Writes My Articles for Me
I web scraped every UTB article ever written, stored them in a .txt, and fed them to my bot.
Most Recent
Album Review: Why Sheck Wes’s “MUDBOY” Is 2018's Best Album to Take a Stubborn Poo To
Sheck Wes’s “MUDBOY” has guided me through type 4 logs and type 2 craggly poos. Truly Sheck has been there through the best and worst of times.
Breaking! Under the BOTton Bot Now Writes My Articles for Me
I web scraped every UTB article ever written, stored them in a .txt, and fed them to my bot.
Sophomore Pleads 5th Amendment in Class After Not Doing Readings
Tensions were running at an all-time high when College sophomore Suzie Reyes chose not to do the readings for her LGST 100 class.
Album Review: Why Sheck Wes’s “MUDBOY” Is 2018's Best Album to Take a Stubborn Poo To
Sheck Wes’s “MUDBOY” has guided me through type 4 logs and type 2 craggly poos. Truly Sheck has been there through the best and worst of times.
Student Who Focuses Best in the Shower Ruins Laptop
While Campos can no longer enjoy her showers due to the traumatic incident, her laptop is definitely enjoying its bath in a large bowl of rice.
Why Studying Abroad in Wisconsin Was the Best Decision I Made at Penn
I made a lot of unforgettable friends and had a lot of unforgettable experiences: eating cheese curds straight from the barrel, wearing a cheese hat at the packed Packers' stadium, sharing a Snickers salad with my Midwestern boys.
Herd Is the Word: How One Junior’s Ranching Club Is Shaking up Campus
"As soon as I arrived at Penn, I noticed a disturbing lack of cattle."
Feeling Cow Sick? Here Are 4 Cures For When You Miss Your Favorite Dairy Cow
You’re sitting in your 9 a.m. recitation, the professor droning on and on, and all you can think is: “I should have been up 3 hours ago milking my favorite dairy cow!”
Hey Samantha! Liking Oat Milk Isn’t a Personality Trait
It actually does NOT count as oppression when you walk into United By Blue and learn that they are out of it.
OP-ED: I Am Declaring a National Emergency Until I Get a Summer Internship
I worked so hard in high school to prepare myself for the workforce, and now I can't even get a damn interview anywhere.
OP-ED: If Amazon Won't Gentrify Queens, I Will
It is my duty to move to a neighborhood with fast-casual dining options, some warehouses for art or music performances, and streets that are dirty enough to be interesting but not dirty enough that I mess up my Common Projects.
OP-ED: I Shop at Trader Joe's, and Yes, My Shits Are Better than Yours
While you all eat your wilted Fresh Grocer produce, I am eating a robust diet of organic vegetables and frozen foods from our friends at TJ’s. This provides the fiber that I need to shit upwards of three times a day.
Student Dismayed to Find Out Senior Spring Doesn’t Really Start Until You Have a Job
I’m now more determined than ever to get a job so that at least I’ll be able to slack off during April.
OP-ED: Why I Can Only Masturbate to the Canterbury tales
If you’ve ever heard an effectively pre-pubescent high school boy stutter through the prologue of The Canterbury Tales that he was forced to memorize by an English teacher somewhere along the line, then you’ll understand why Chaucer makes me wet.
Meet the CIS 160 Student Who Hasn’t Slept Since Syllabus Week
There has not been a single night since syllabus week when I haven’t had to stay up to finish a problem set.
"I'm So Busy I Barely Have Time to Eat," Says Student Who Drinks 7 Days a Week
By the time I tend to my midterms, improv practice, my work-study job, improv shows, and maintaining my hilarious Twitter brand, I barely have time to eat.
Punny, Penn-y Valentine's Day Cards: Part VI
UTB Staff
Thursday, Feb. 14, 2019Thu, Feb 14, 2019
We're spoiling you this year with a part ii of the UTB staff's V-day creations.
Punny, Penn-y Valentine's Day Cards: Part V
UTB Staff
Thursday, Feb. 14, 2019Thu, Feb 14, 2019
Why are y'all gagging — we give it to you every Valentine's day.
OP-ED: Penn Should Teach More Practical Skills, Like How to Get a Dental Student to Marry Me
Having the intellectual tools to find my future spouse, who is most certainly a practitioner of the dental arts, will be an indispensable life skill.
Wow! This Student Spent the Entire Class Period Choosing Between Two Pairs of Shoes and Made No Final Decision
Despite claims that she has “no time” to do the dishes, clean her room, or make plans with friends, she found an entire hour in her schedule to browse through four websites for shoes during class.
Political Science Student Bases Entire Political Knowledge on John Oliver Specials
Pearson has stopped attending lectures and instead sits in his Radian apartment, rewinding the comedy specials in the dark, chuckling manically at the dry humor of the bespectacled man he considers to be his Knowledge God.
