Guys, Becky’s Lost Her Only Canada Goose Fracket for the Fifth Time, and It’s Sooo Cold
It’s puffy, black, and really warm. It’s got my phone, wallet, and sense of self-worth attached to it so it’s, like, really important that I get it back.
Most Recent
Paramount Pictures to Remake Sonic Again — This Time Sexier
Paramount has responded to the films flopping by announcing another redesign. This time, Sonic is going to be “sexier.”
Student Beats Dozens of Applicants for Opportunity to Make Penn More Money
“I’m just so excited to be a member of this club,” Lockwood said. “And it is a club, and not just a group of indentured servants working for the same master, because sometimes we have social events.”
REPORT: Many Horses Are Being Tranquilized on Penn's Campus
We have yet to locate the horse population or reason for its presence and tranquilization, but we are determined to find answers
The Statesman Condemns Penn Democrats for Accepting Student Government Handouts
Describing members as “freeloaders” and “welfare queens,” Statesman Editor-in-Chief Madeleine Jacobs (W ‘21) criticized the group’s status as a SAC-funded group.
4 Date Night Date Options That Are All Just You Making Out With Your Gay Friend
Alex is also the type to spend a lot of time going to the bar and the bathroom, giving you ample time to lock lips with that gay friend of yours. So fun!
A Conversation With the Rando Your Mutual Friend Just Dropped on You
"So what do you study?" "Oh, I'm undecided." Does he just fucking hate me?
Life Hack! Go Trick or Treating Now!
Get the jump on Halloween by going trick or treating now. That’s right, those pre-teen fucks will never see it coming.
CORRECTION: Professor Ewens Actually Very Young, Nimble
Under the Button would like to appeal to the public in repentance for these mistakes. We hope that Professor Ewens himself can agree that people make mistakes, but they should always be given the opportunity to redeem themselves.
ASPCP Promo Video (Please Donate Today)
Joseph Elston
, Sydney Judge
, Colleen Campbell
and Bobby Loomis
Thursday, Feb. 27, 2020Thu, Feb 27, 2020
An advertisement for the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Pledges ... please donate today.
Students Required to Purchase Access Code for Classroom Door: Lecture Seat Optional
An $80 ticket would allow access into the classroom, while a lecture seat could be purchased separately for another $120. The all-inclusive VIP package, including door access, a lecture seat, office hours and the ability to ask questions, could be purchased for $180. For another $20, you might even get a little bit of “extra credit.”
BREAKING: Amy Gutmann Endorses Mike Bloomberg, Probably
In alignment with this endorsement, Bloomberg will be donating a new building to Penn's campus, the Bloomberg Center for Stop and Frisk Cultural Studies.
New Report Finds Prof. Warren Ewens Was Benjamin Franklin's First Hire
We wish him luck for the rest of his career and hope he retires with at least 500 years of teaching under his belt.
Mayor Pete’s Grindr Nudes Leaked
While there still remains some confusion surrounding Buttigieg’s motives, analysts have suggested that his behavior might stem from a crisis of confidence caused by his rat-like demeanor.
Following NCAA Sanctions, Men’s Basketball Must Now Play Wearing Roller Skates
“Some of these guys have never roller skated before. We’ll have to start from the basics: cones, training wheels — hell, I may roll behind some of them holding their hips during games.”
Erika James, Newly-appointed Wharton Dean, Already Rejected From 6 Wharton Clubs
Following the grueling process of filling out repetitive Google forms and re-writing the same 250-word essay, James has faced a similar fate to countless applicants before her: cold rejection.
Imposter Alert! Junior Who Can’t Spell 'Restaurant' Regularly Eats in Them
Okay, I’ll be honest — I’m an imposter. Despite regularly eating in restauraunts I am incapable of spelling the word ‘restraunt.’ That spelling just now was an honest try, and I must admit it brings me great shame.
Student Graduates With Penn GPA 2.7, Sims 4 University of Britechester GPA 4.0
"I'm really setting myself up well for a high-paying critic career or maybe even one as a style influencer."
BREAKING: New UTB Writer, Alicia Lopez, Not Actually Funny
It seems like UTB made some crazy hiring decisions this round, and we as a general Penn readership can only hope that the organization takes this important job more seriously in the future.
