I’ve been in this building since it was a women’s gym. Back then, there was excitement, activity, the smell of young sweat and hope. Now, it’s just stuffy English majors pretending to be interested in Marx or The Faerie Queene. I can’t take it anymore.

I will be walking to Center City this weekend, and none of you better try to fucking stop me.

While watching Parasite, I couldn’t help but wonder how much better the film could have been if all the actors were white, speaking English, and if it took place in rural Texas. 

Baker, who refused to concentrate in business analytics in order to focus on finance and real estate, applied for  citizenship in order to stay at Blackstone in New York for a little longer, but little did he know he would now be able to vote as well!

“Yeah, when I heard she was a feminist, I definitely rolled my eyes,” Chad said, shrugging his shoulders, “but I didn’t threaten to boycott the ceremony." He’s so progressive! 

Meet the Penn senior who combines aromatic spices with dried fruits!

“Since freshman year, I’ve been throwing all types of coins in there,” said Phenn. “Pennies, dimes, nickels, half-dollars, dollar coins, bitcoins — but nothing has worked."

Caution, bus is turning. Yes, this bus. Turning now. Right now. 

Gone are the days of CS:GO and StarCraft II: Cavalcanti now uses his lil’ battlestation to explore the vast and welcoming realm of digital pleasures.

“If you guys thought the midterm was tough, try weeding the entire backyard in time for dinner,” Dunkin reminisced, staring off into the distance. “Now that’s what I call tough.”

The sensual, voiceless, man-sized penguin can actually teach us a lot about life, love, and most importantly, the bedroom.

In this offbeat game show, players entering the Cash Elevator have to answer trivia questions before they reach their destination in order to win. If they answer wrong, they better start climbing the stairs. 

Got something to say? Oops, couldn’t hear you over the sound of the cogs turning in my brain. And we’re chugging along… one way ticket to Smartsville, baby! Population: moi.

In a world fueled by identity politics, it’s only right that we embrace Peet Buuttigieg’s identity as a dirty little rat boy.

The doctor continued to explain that despite not having been anywhere with very high or low altitude recently, Brandon’s elevated sense of self-worth had actually given him altitude sickness. 

According to a statement released on Monday, the powers that be "have decided that the departure of Bobby's Burgers from campus is a well-timed catalyst for the university to implement an extensive plan for improving student wellness."

The old West and Down felt like a club run by a disorganized frat. The new West and Down feels like a club run by a disorganized branch of Triads.

The entire student and faculty body is required to attend this historic event. This will be Camila’s fiftieth concert of the year. It will not be recorded because nobody would watch it, so make sure to bring your A-game, Penn!

“Wow, your Valentine must really like peaches,” commented a student standing in line behind Pearlmin. Pearlmin turned around and smiled nervously. 

Maybe it's the Philadelphia talking, but I, for one, say that Gritty should have punched that kid.