Penn Students To Leave Chopped Cheese by Fireplace Night Before Curtis Sliwa Visits Campus
Joy to the world! Curtis Sliwa is coming to town!
News
Magic Bush Found at Magic Gardens
Have you ever seen a bush? A full fledged, magical, flourishing bush. Well, I have. And I saw it at Magic Gardens.
Penn Students To Leave Chopped Cheese by Fireplace Night Before Curtis Sliwa Visits Campus
Joy to the world! Curtis Sliwa is coming to town!
Man With High Body Count Hoping Girlfriend is a Virgin
After viscerally describing his last sexual experience with a girl whose name he can’t remember, Rothstein simply sighed and smiled. “You know, there’s just something especially sacred about being with someone who has only been with you.”
Magic Bush Found at Magic Gardens
Have you ever seen a bush? A full fledged, magical, flourishing bush. Well, I have. And I saw it at Magic Gardens.
Flo Rida Facing Backlash for Plans to Sing ‘My House’ On Indigenous Land
Protests are expected at the Spring Fling celebration where Rida intends to make his statement. Needless to say, it will be ‘Going Down for Real’ this Saturday.
Kenn Kweder Announced Spring Fling Headliner
The neighborhood legend is making his big-stage debut April 17th at Penn Park.
Iran Announces New AI-yatollah, Nation’s First Chatbot Supreme Leader
The leadership change comes after weeks of deadly United States strikes on Iranian leadership.
Weather Report: Witches Shall Melt and Flowers Prosper
As the witches walk through the rain, the water will seep into the soles of their suede ballet flats — only after ruining the softness of the material forever.
Date Mistakes My Asian Flush for Me Actually Liking Him
I expected to sit down for a sober cup of coffee at 3 p.m. EST, but the combination of daylight savings and my being accustomed to Iran Standard Time (I’m an empath) led me to lose track and start slamming back Cutwaters at noon.
Penn Student Rewarded With Failing Midterm Grade After Terrible Day
Today was the worst day that I’ve ever had in my entire career at Penn.
Top Edibles To Put In Your Child’s Easter Basket This Year
You already gave your kid weed and shrooms, might as well fully commit and make your child the coolest kid on the block.
Apple Screen Time to Include Time Spent Repressing Homosexual Thoughts
“You’re up 34% from last week, for an average of six hours and 14 minutes.”
APhi to Monitor Situation in Iran
The Department of State announced late last Wednesday that it would contract with the Alpha Phi International Women’s Fraternity, Eta Iota Chapter to provide intelligence on the rapidly evolving situation in Iran.
Draft Reinstated: All Men [WHARTON EXEMPTED] Ages 18-25 to Report for Service
Undergraduate students enrolled in the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania will be exempt from service.
Unemployed Senior Really Banking on Job Offer From Military Draft
President Trump, please send me to the front lines. If you don’t, I might have to work in consulting.
U.S. Government Announces Summer Internship in Iran
While not a novel idea, only a handful of past presidents have attempted to try this: On Tuesday, the Department of War announced an unlimited number of spots for willing participants in the Middle East “Freedom from Life” operation.
Phone-Addicted Math Major Really Good at Reel Analysis
Danya Dzebissov, a junior pursuing a mathematics degree within the College of Arts and Sciences, has recently distinguished himself in a field his professors have yet to formally recognize: reel analysis.
Van Pelt to Undergo Renovation to Make All Windows 50% Narrower
Further changes involve the introduction of a loud, fluorescent light-induced buzzing noise in the Goldstein Undergraduate Study Center, a replacement of all group study rooms with chastity study carrels, and the addition of cushioned toilet seats.
Panhel Excited to Announce $37 Raised in FY 25
With so many causes competing for attention, the Panhellenic Council has chosen to direct all proceeds toward animal cruelty — specifically, ensuring that dogs across Philadelphia have access to proper nail grooming through their partner organization, Nails N Paws.
Girl with Mommy Kink Very Excited for Big-Little Week
It's the best week of the year for some.
Student Putting Off Work for Snow Day Racks Up 16 Screentime Hours on Weather App
“This level of commitment is what we usually only see in day traders and people refreshing their ex’s Instagram,” said one behavioral psychologist.
