News

“At the Age of 60, My Vision Has Significantly Worsened”: Visual Studies Professor Explains Risks of Major

Dyslexic Penn Student Contracts Chlamydia in Preparation for SDT Mixer

The student proclaimed that he intended to “double-fist” his afflictions with pride, as in other areas of life.

Snow Day Last Thing Keeping Local Penn Student From Killing Self

“The pressures of modernity have been and continue to be much for a sensitive young man such as myself to handle,” Zhang said in a press release.

“Existential Despair” Course Replaced With 8-Hour Loop of Eagles’ Playoff Incompetence

I really thought the locker-room positivity bunny would save the Eagles’ season.

Breaking: Multiple Sightings of The Fabled Quad Blue Whale Swimming Through The Tunnels Persist

How did it fit in the tunnels? Is this all a hoax? These questions, and more, are answered in this article.

"I Have A Drink" Tips for Throwing a Great MLK Darty

Every year, as we near the day we celebrate one of our nation’s greatest Civil Rights figures, we all come across the same problem: How do I throw a great MLK day darty?

Kristi Noem Mistakes Pardoned Turkey for Dog, Shoots it

Butterball’s death marks the first pardoned Turkey fatality since the tradition’s advent in 1963, under the Kennedy Administration.

Penn Announces Wasian Studies Major

The major’s inaugural class would matriculate in Fall 2027, with students taking courses such as “MUSC 4673: Traditional Wasian Music from Laufey to Olivia Rodrigo” and “COMM 0180: How To Announce That You’re Wasian Without Being Annoying About It.”

Couple That Has Already Been Inside Each Other Nervous for First Date

Having seen each other naked last Saturday, the two students are terrified of what the other might think now that both their clothes will be on. 

Breaking: Jeremy The Cockroach Killed In Tragic Quad Renovation Accident

Ryan, a former Fisher resident, expressed his grief over Jeremy’s passing: “He’d swing by my room late at night with his buddies to say hi. He used to shit on the floor sometimes, which made me feel so validated cause I do that too. Jeremy was a real one… I’ll miss that little fucker with all my heart.”

LeBron James Feeling Upset and Confused After No Kings Protests

James complained: "the Lakers drafted my son Bronny so now we have to shower naked together after every game."

Apollo the Phi Delt Dog Officially Initiated as PC ‘25; Graciously Agrees to Lick Vomit During Hazing Rituals

Apollo joins the COB Phi Delt PC '25. 

Cooked: Your Chem Midterm Grade in Epstein's Preferred Age Range

With a shiver, you realize you're doing numbers only child sex offenders are excited to hear.

Breaking: Hummus Grill Owner Self-Immolates in Front of Wonder in Final Act of Defiance

Wonder is on track to be the first ever successful restaurant with inedible food

Local Asian-American Genuinely Passionate About Consulting / Medicine / Founding a Startup

Zhangzhang (Tony) Zhang stated that “solving the world’s most complex problems/helping the world’s most vulnerable people/creating things that people all over the world want has been [his] singular interest during his one semester at Penn so far.”

Marc Rowan Adopts New Name: "Galactus"

Please stop by Galactus’ Little Shop— which is actually a Sukkah this week— and say hello to your benevolent overlord’s wealthiest benevolent overlord.

Jane Goodall to be Rewarded 72 Chimpanzees in Heaven

Now, through the will of God, Jane can continue monkeying around at least 72 more times.