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News


The Daily Pennsylvanian to be 100% Chinese by 2050

When reached for comment, a representative of The DP replied “申し訳ありませんが、英語は話せません。”


If Hazing Is Morally Wrong, How Do We Weed Out the Little Bitches?

After a surprising number of rush chairs and presidents took PHIL 1000, they realized that hazing is — at best — morally questionable and perhaps wrong.


Photo Essay: A Mouse’s Tour of the High Rises

Welcome to Rodin College House, where ambition meets concrete.


Breaking: Donald Trump (W '68) Stalls Saxby's Closing by 90 Days in Unprecedented Executive Order

Order comes amidst fears of coming closure.


BREAKING: Cork and Candles Shuts Down After Management Realizes What a Dumbass Idea It Was

Marketing professor Barbara Kahn put it plainly: "I don't know what the fuck they were thinking."


Breaking: Icicle Falls, Piercing My Chest and Killing Me

Just last week, light struck me. 


After Successful Diddy Indictment, FBI Begins Preparing Case Against Penn Disney Acapella

They told me that if I'm looking to sing Disney songs, then Penn Disney A Cappella isn't the place for me. Penn Disney A Cappella is the place for hardcore deviant sex.


Now You Must Choose Between the Overcoat and Carhartt

It's Time to Choose.


Jealous: Student Who Ran Half Marathon Can Eat Whatever They Want for Next Two Days

When polled, students reported being extremely jealous of the student's incredible accomplishment: not the fact that they ran a grueling 13.1 miles straight, but their newfound ability to eat a full pint of Ben & Jerry’s Tonight Dough guilt-free. 


To Improve Mental Health, Penn to Hang Two More Icicle Lights This Year

This will give students a staggering thirty extra seconds of exposure to the finest mental health resource out there: artificial LED light.


Midterm Seasonal Depression Cured by Vaguely Ethnic Frozen Meal From Grommons

I know one thing will always be there for me: my culturally diverse but also culturally sensitive but also culturally accommodating Grommons frozen meal exchange section. 


Everyone on Campus Was Terrified by My Costume. I Was Poverty for Halloween.

I had to look up what "poverty" was in the dictionary. I wad appalled when I read the definition. 


Breaking: My Cat Costume Was So Good That When I Got MERTed They Took Me to Penn Vet

I don't think it helped that I was meowing instead of speaking... 


Eavesdropping Gone Wrong: Woman on Train is Actually Super Boring

If you're going to talk in the quiet car at least make it about something cool like insider trading. 


The Daily Pennsylvanian Replaces All Staff Writers With Infinite Monkeys on Infinite Typewriters

What happens when they do inevitably write the complete works of Shakespeare?


Amy Wax Fired After Tweeting Something Vaguely Pro-Palestine

We’ll miss you, you crazy kid



I Used My Platinum AMEX to Swipe Into Huntsman and It Worked

Who needs a Penn card when you have a credit card?!!


“Are You Registered to Vote?” Asks Woman Pointing One Gun at You and One at Her Own Head

There is a lot at stake in this upcoming election. Our democracy is on the ballot, and so is your right for me not to fill your lungs with more metal than a vape.



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