Look Out! Jessica Cut Her Own Bangs
"My dishes in the sink are hairy now.”
News
Anti-Social Junior Blames Rain for His Lack of Dartying
Aw man! Chris Solomons (C '20) was all ready for a killer Fling weekend until, according to him, the weather had other plans. UTB caught up with Solomons as he reclined in a bean bag chair, a bowl of Chocolatey Chip Teddy Grahams in hand.
Look Out! Jessica Cut Her Own Bangs
"My dishes in the sink are hairy now.”
Living in the Past? This Student Is a Classics Major
Sheesh, Joseph — join the 21st century and catfish your mom on Jdate like the rest of us.
Anti-Social Junior Blames Rain for His Lack of Dartying
Aw man! Chris Solomons (C '20) was all ready for a killer Fling weekend until, according to him, the weather had other plans. UTB caught up with Solomons as he reclined in a bean bag chair, a bowl of Chocolatey Chip Teddy Grahams in hand.
Rock Bottom? Stevie Just Gopuff'd Juul Pods to Van Pelt
She had left her pods back at her house on 39th street, and there was no chance she was willing to walk six blocks to pick up a new pod.
OP-ED: Van Pelt Should Be Replaced with a 24-Hour Diner
Until College Green smells like syrup at all hours of the day, this university is not living up to its full potential.
Inventive! Engineer Tries to 3D Print a Personality
This wasn't the first time Crews has attempted to feign likability. Last semester, he tried picking up skateboarding and the guitar, but unfortunately that only further destroyed his social standing, and let’s not get into the time he taught himself to do over 50 fidget spinner tricks.
Unused Yoga Mat Has Now Been Sitting in Woman’s Apartment for 2 Years
Coated in a substantial layer of dust, the Lululemon yoga mat she bought sophomore year rests desolately in the corner of her bedroom closet. It has remained untouched for the past two years — she last attempted to use it at home in November 2016, guided by a soothing Youtube instructional video on her 13” Macbook Air.
Quiz: Does Your Man Have a Future, or Is He Going to Die Tomorrow?
With graduation and the need for finding gainful employment looming over your head for four years, many begin to wonder: does my man have a future?
All Penn Landscaping Decisions Reduced to What Flowers Will Bloom for Quaker Days
The most popular species thus far have been the Growius Fastia, the Comehere Pleas, and the Weare Better Thanyale.
Here Are 5 Puddles You Can Splash Around in Instead of Paying for Pool Party This Fling
Whether you are among the many that couldn’t snatch a ticket or you came to the brave and shocking conclusion that $70 was simply too much to pay to for a pool party without swimming, we have the solution for you.
Girl in Front of You in Class Actually Doing Work so Things Are Probably over with Ben from ZBT
Though Curtain is done squandering her class time on texting Ben from ZBT, she still has not dipped her toes into scholarship on immigration and refugees. She is off to a solid start, though, and is taking baby steps toward her final goal.
Fatality: Five Dollar Spotify Premium Fee Delivers Final Blow to Student's Bank Account
“Spotify taught me the meaning of pain, both physically and financially,” Lucero sighed, his wallet lighter than the AirPods in his ears. “I’m gonna be eating Locust Walk shrubs for days.”
Watch Out! That Kid Who Scooters to Class Just Got Nunchucks
While he doesn’t plan on using them to hurt anyone, he does plan on practicing with them every 12 to 3 o’clock on College Green.
Pennsylvania Lawmakers Propose Ban on Single Use Fling Tanks
Why do you want to waste your money on a tank top with a Penn club pun that has a slightly inappropriate twist to it?
Magic Gardens Tickets Never Existed, Just Construct Teaching Privileged Feeling of 'Wanting and Not Receiving'
This past Sunday, researches in Penn’s department of sociology announced that Castle’s Magic Gardens event would not be coming back, and, no, it wasn’t canceled. In a press conference to the University, Dr. Tanvi Kapoor revealed that her team in Penn’s sociology department was behind this round of tickets, not the fraternity.
Big Woof! The Service Dog in Your Lecture Got a Higher Score Than You on the Midterm
Sure, we all know you're not supposed to compare yourself to others at such a competitive school, but what’s the fun in that? Here is a side by side comparison of you and the service dog from lecture.
Exit Poll: UA Voters Care Most About Neat Sidewalk Chalk Handwriting
It really is a dying art.
"It Is What It Is" Says Student Who Just Aced the Midterm
Shut up, Rafael. Everyone knows you did perfectly fine on the exam.
March Madness Win: This Mechanical Engineer Had the Best Bracket
He’s previously competed in a desk building competition, so Hader has had to pick brackets before. Last year, he put all his money on the Everbuilt Zinc Plated 1 ½” Bracket, but that one lost it all during the strength test.
This Week at the Kelly Writers House: Edible, Sex-Positive Zine Workshop
Topics of your zines can include, and are limited to, ethical non-monogamy in Papua New Guinea, the intersectional bisexuality of John Quincy Adams, and the best places to masturbate on campus.
