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Opinion


Shit Hurts So Bad Just Want Her [Bobby’s Burger Palace] Back

The truth is that I’ve been struggling with personal heartbreak for a while. It just hurts so bad. I want her. I want Bobby’s Burger Palace back to tear apart my asshole.


Anyone Feel Like Sexting?

So, how about some sexting, eh? To pass the time? To make the most of a dire situation?


QUIZ: What "Special Skill" Should You Get in You Quarantine Free Time?

What's that? You've been doing nothing except Netflix and Social Distance? It's time to change all that and make the most of this difficult time. Take this quiz to see which special skill you should acquire during your time in quarantine!


OP-ED: Instead of Helping FGLI Kids, Penn Should Support MGHI (Many Generations, High Income) Students

MGHI students will face a unique set of severe problems that the administration has overlooked. 


Bruh Moment: I Cannot Stop Saying Bruh

Now, I can’t properly react to anything anyone ever tells me. The best I can offer is “bruh."


Letter from the Editor: We’re Still Here, Fuckers

See you all in quarantine!


Fuck......................

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck!!!


OP-ED: Just Because I Got Cake Doesn't Mean I Shouldn't Be Allowed in Fisher

Just because you have a ban on food does NOT mean my cake shouldn’t be allowed in Fisher.


OP-ED: Anyone Feel Like Ransacking Arch Tonight?

This time we’ll be sending a message. I’m not sure about what, but I have a few hours to come up with one. Maybe we’ll convince Amy Gutmann to pay the workers a minimum wage or something, I dunno.


OP-ED: I Have a Small Cock so I Need a Big Glock

Everyone thinks my arrogant persona indicates that I’m compensating for something, and they’re right. But that is exactly why Penn needs to allow concealed carry on campus. 


Editorial | We Don't Need a Trader Joe's Shuttle. We Need a Trader Joe's Private Helicopter.

Additionally, since shuttles increase the congestion on Market Street and cause traffic jams, providing a private helicopter service would be just as, if not more, environmentally friendly than a shuttle. Finally, shuttles are simply uncool, and typically have bullies sitting in the back.


Too Many People Are Part of the Problem in 2020 Political Discourse. Not Me — Here’s Why.

According to a recent study I heard somewhere but can’t totally remember where, a whopping 80% of Americans don’t base their political opinions on facts and opt instead to listen to biased talking heads. When I read this from this person I follow on Twitter, I was shocked.


OP-ED: Being Pretty is Skilled Labor

Being the sole beautiful person in a space — as I often am — brings a pressure few could understand.


Voters Should Be Wary of Bernie Sanders: His Name Is an Anagram for 'Nabs Reindeers'

But there's one very compelling argument that voters have not yet considered: Bernie's name can be rearranged to spell "Nabs Reindeers."


I'm A Feb Club Ticket Bot. Here's My Story.

So I’m writing this to ask: before you judge me, before you ridicule me, before you condemn my very existence — you need to hear my story.


OP-ED: When I Die, Grind My Flesh Into Magic Carpet’s Meatless Meatballs

I hope customers enjoy tasting a piece of this ass. 


OP-ED: Petition to Remove All Traffic Safety Signs in Front of DRL

I speak for every Penn student when I say that the probability of getting hit by a car while walking across any of these roads is too damn low.


OP-ED: Fresh Grocer Did Nothing Wrong

It’s gritty, it’s scary, it’s a health hazard, but you see, that’s the point. It weeds out the weak in the community.


A Conversation With the Rando Your Mutual Friend Just Dropped on You

"So what do you study?" "Oh, I'm undecided." Does he just fucking hate me?


Imposter Alert! Junior Who Can’t Spell 'Restaurant' Regularly Eats in Them

Okay, I’ll be honest — I’m an imposter. Despite regularly eating in restauraunts I am incapable of spelling the word ‘restraunt.’ That spelling just now was an honest try, and I must admit it brings me great shame.


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