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Opinion


Voters Should Be Wary of Bernie Sanders: His Name Is an Anagram for 'Nabs Reindeers'

But there's one very compelling argument that voters have not yet considered: Bernie's name can be rearranged to spell "Nabs Reindeers."


I'm A Feb Club Ticket Bot. Here's My Story.

So I’m writing this to ask: before you judge me, before you ridicule me, before you condemn my very existence — you need to hear my story.


OP-ED: When I Die, Grind My Flesh Into Magic Carpet’s Meatless Meatballs

I hope customers enjoy tasting a piece of this ass. 


OP-ED: Petition to Remove All Traffic Safety Signs in Front of DRL

I speak for every Penn student when I say that the probability of getting hit by a car while walking across any of these roads is too damn low.


OP-ED: Fresh Grocer Did Nothing Wrong

It’s gritty, it’s scary, it’s a health hazard, but you see, that’s the point. It weeds out the weak in the community.


A Conversation With the Rando Your Mutual Friend Just Dropped on You

"So what do you study?" "Oh, I'm undecided." Does he just fucking hate me?


Imposter Alert! Junior Who Can’t Spell 'Restaurant' Regularly Eats in Them

Okay, I’ll be honest — I’m an imposter. Despite regularly eating in restauraunts I am incapable of spelling the word ‘restraunt.’ That spelling just now was an honest try, and I must admit it brings me great shame.


OP-ED: Parasite Was Good, but Wouldn’t It Be Better If It Were in English?

While watching Parasite, I couldn’t help but wonder how much better the film could have been if all the actors were white, speaking English, and if it took place in rural Texas. 


OP-ED: If You See Me Walking Into Center City, Don't Stop Me, I'm Never Coming Back

I will be walking to Center City this weekend, and none of you better try to fucking stop me.


OP-ED: I’ve Been Trapped in Fisher-Bennett Hall for 56 Years. Please Let Me Out.

I’ve been in this building since it was a women’s gym. Back then, there was excitement, activity, the smell of young sweat and hope. Now, it’s just stuffy English majors pretending to be interested in Marx or The Faerie Queene. I can’t take it anymore.


OP-ED: Caution, Bus is Turning

Caution, bus is turning. Yes, this bus. Turning now. Right now. 


I Entered Commons and Left Uncommon

I entered 1920 Commons quite an everyday fellow: okay character, good head of hair,  a personality both robust and mellow.


3 Tips From Club Penguin That Will Improve Your Sex Life

The sensual, voiceless, man-sized penguin can actually teach us a lot about life, love, and most importantly, the bedroom.


Review: Newly Reopened West and Down Is West-er and Down-er Than Ever

The old West and Down felt like a club run by a disorganized frat. The new West and Down feels like a club run by a disorganized branch of Triads.


OP-ED: Each Day I Challenge My Mind Solving the NYT Mini Crossword. Can You Say the Same?

Got something to say? Oops, couldn’t hear you over the sound of the cogs turning in my brain. And we’re chugging along… one way ticket to Smartsville, baby! Population: moi.


OP-ED: I’m Saving Divorce Until Marriage

Compromising my integrity just to get a thrill is deadening, and I refuse to partake any longer. I’m saving divorce until marriage. Deal with it. 


Life Hack! Stay Alert by Micro-Dosing Masturbation

Feeling tired throughout the day? Hitting that 3 p.m. slump? Feel like there’s no way to regain the vigor of your youth? Well, I’m happy to say that my team and I have found a new life-hack to keep you pumped up and ready to blow at all times.


OP-ED: Gritty Didn’t Punch That Kid, but He Should Have

Maybe it's the Philadelphia talking, but I, for one, say that Gritty should have punched that kid. 


OP-ED: Thank Writing Seminar, I Are Better Write

(Given): But 5 AP Literature and Lang bad. No count. Also newspaper bad. They no real writing. Grate Gatsby and Belovd not real english. They no have see true writes before. How Dog Thonks real literacher.


OP-ED: Thanks Handshake, How’d You Know I’m Dying to Be an Ice Sculptor?

So when I logged in and saw that Handshake was proposing Ice Sculptor as a potential career path for me, I knew I had to hear my best friend out.


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