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Opinion


OP-ED: Men with Gigantic Backpacks Can’t Take All the Space in the Classroom

Why, when most of us are content with small packs that fit within our frame, do some insist on carrying around monstrous sacks that do little but obstruct?


OP-ED: Now That It’s Spring, My Balls Are Sweaty

Plus, the other day when it went up to 80°, it felt like they were going to melt and run down my leg. This makes me very nervous about my reproductive health. 


Here Are 4 Flouncy Skirts for You to Black out in This Fling

Anyone who’s anyone knows that the most important part of Spring Fling is the fit you sport from darty to darty throughout the weekend.


Choose Your Own Adventure: Will Brad Fuck Your Girlfriend at Fling?

You and Jessica have been going strong for nine months now, but these past couple of weeks you’ve noticed that the two of you have grown more and more distant. You have no idea why, but there’s this guy Brad in her OIDD class that she’s always getting food with now. 


OP-ED: Let the Organ Music on Locust Headline Fling

It seems that when it comes to the main Fling event, Penn has been scraping the bottom of the barrel for some time now. What the concert needs is a fresh new update – a headliner that will make the Penn student body proud to whip out their lighters and sway to the music in the cool spring breeze.


My Parents Wouldn't Pay for My Tuition to a State School, but I Found My Home at Beta

That's when I stumbled into a "State Day" themed party at Beta: I had finally found my people.


Yo, Can You Venmo Me 60 Cents for the Condom I Used Last Night?

Like, we could have just relied on those birth control pills I'm pretty sure you're on.


If You Wanna Be My Lover, Please Have the Summer Application on My Desk by May 1st

I told a bunch of freshman about it, and if they said no thanks, I just told them, “Oh no worries! Lot’s of people wait for their sophomore year to apply. It’s really no rush!”


I’m a Penn Athlete and I Will Accept Payment in Cash Venmo or Bitcoin Thank U

If Venmo doesn’t work for you, I can accept payment in many different forms.


OP-ED: I Spend so Long in the DRL Bathroom and Not Because I’m Getting Head, I Have Hemorrhoids

I want to issue a formal apology to anyone came at the same time as a crescendo of farts escaped my rectum.


OP-ED: If I Had Known About Writing Sem I Would've Gone to Cornell

I should’ve gone to Cornell, learned about hotels, and gotten a sweet job at the Four Seasons or some shit.


Move over Groundhogs Day! I Know Its Spring When Fraternities Start Playing Pong outside

Braden got a B in his geology class sophomore year, so yea, I’m pretty sure he knows his stuff. 


Editorial: We Live in a Society

Some students at Penn like Copa, and some like Distrito. In the end, we all go to Smokes. What can we say? There is always a universal thread. We live in a society. 


I May Have Failed Stat 111 Freshman Spring, But I’m Still a Bad Bitch

Look: I’m a bad bitch. An extremely bad bitch. When I walk down the street I turn heads. People I walk past whisper to each other, “That is the baddest bitch I have ever seen,” just before they collapse onto the street, overwhelmed by my power.


My Failures Don't Define Me. That's My Electric Skateboard's Job.

Since I started riding my futuristic platform of gliding excellence, I haven't even come close to self-identifying as a failure. I self-identify as one of Nikola Tesla’s chosen few. 


OP-ED: I Didn't Find a Subletter For the Summer and Yes, I Am Giving Up

The process for finding someone to rent your room is toxic and competitive. So, this year, instead of feeding into the system, I’m giving up my search to find a subletter.


Greek Life is Bad Because it Encourages Companionship, and That is Something I Can Live Without

If you find yourself stressed out and in need of help from your peers, you should probably just do what I do. Run away from your problems and blame it all on your astrological sign. Classic Pisces. 


If Penn Actually Cared About Mental Health, the Jonas Brothers Would be Performing at Fling

It doesn’t take a genius to realize that having the Jo Bros perform at Fling would significantly increase the overall happiness of the undergraduate student body. It’s obvious that serotonin levels rise exponentially when looking into Nick’s beautiful curls or Joe’s dreamy eyes.


OP-ED: Sorry Class Board Candidates, I’ll Only Vote for You if Your Name is Hot

I am not going to remember your name. There are about 36,000 people running for the UA (sidebar – I don’t even know what that is) and another 4 billion running for internal secretary president of the College’s class board chair, and I cannot keep track.


Student Spotlight: Short Sleeve Button-Down Shirt Guy

Despite the interesting pattern on his shirt, on the inside he is a fairly basic guy.


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