Curt Curtis (C ‘22) had a single dream growing up. Recognized at the age of two for his precocious musical ability, Curt found himself on track to be the greatest oboe player of our generation. But it all fell apart when Curt (who had his name legally changed at the age of seven) received a rejection letter from the Curtis Institute of Music. Bitter and defeated, he settled for Penn.
Over the past few weeks, Josh Adebayo (E ‘22) has been in the spotlight of the Engineering community for his decision to break ranks with the school’s strict culture of dress. Instead of conforming to wear cargo shorts and a “Venmo” or “King’s Court ‘22” tee every day, Adebayo often wears joggers in addition to his favorite PennApps shirt, or, occasionally, his $800 Supreme hoodie.
Curt Curtis (C ‘22) had a single dream growing up. Recognized at the age of two for his precocious musical ability, Curt found himself on track to be the greatest oboe player of our generation. But it all fell apart when Curt (who had his name legally changed at the age of seven) received a rejection letter from the Curtis Institute of Music. Bitter and defeated, he settled for Penn.
Sarah Moretti, a College freshman in URBS 254—Gender and Power in Cities of Western Europe, was found to be physically unable to not raise her hand in seminar. Moretti’s disorder was uncovered in a yearlong study through the Perelman School of Medicine.
Over the past few weeks, Josh Adebayo (E ‘22) has been in the spotlight of the Engineering community for his decision to break ranks with the school’s strict culture of dress. Instead of conforming to wear cargo shorts and a “Venmo” or “King’s Court ‘22” tee every day, Adebayo often wears joggers in addition to his favorite PennApps shirt, or, occasionally, his $800 Supreme hoodie.
Sure, Huntsman closing means you need to find new 24-hour study spaces. But more importantly: where on campus are you going to fuck while your roommate is sleeping?
For centuries, it has been clear that God has a limited number of spots in heaven, and for centuries, humans have debated who would get those spots. Some thought the Catholics would be chosen, some thought it would be the Muslims, others thought it would be non-violent activists. All of them were wrong. Today God announced Cheryl Wineman (N '21) will be the only one going to heaven when the world burns in hellfire, because she committed to not using plastic straws.
Penn Vet’s Secret Experimentation Center went into lockdown last night after a humanoid amphibian they were studying escaped its tank, University officials stated.
Mercury is only in heterograde once every eight months or so, but the effects are significant enough that astrologists have spent considerable time studying it. Heterograde occurs when Mercury nears the end of its orbit around Earth, when two of Earth’s moons create a sort of frame around the planet. Similar to more commonly discussed retrograde, where Mercury appears to be moving backwards, during heterograde, Mercury appears to be wearing salmon shorts, vaping, and adding the phrase “no homo” to any expression of camaraderie with a member of the same sex.
A record number of inexperienced, unknowledgeable students are participating in on-campus recruitment for top consulting firms, positions that would pay them for their experience and knowledge. Michael Burke (E ’19) completed a second round interview with Boston Consulting Group. “I’m interested in consulting because you get to use your expertise to help companies solve their problems,” Michael said. “It’s cool because I am not an expert in anything and I’ve never solved a single problem, but they’ll still pay me to do that.”
Kevin Jeffress (E ’22) was off to a hot start at Penn. He had a seamless move-in experience, an unforgettable NSO, and managed to go to Pottruck every single morning for close to a month. Everything changed, however, the moment Jeffress stepped on the Compass en route to the Upper Quad Gate. Six hours later, he fell victim to a Math 114 midterm.
To pursue their mission of promoting a positive club culture on campus, the Undergraduate Assembly and Student Activities Council have partnered to release a set of guidelines on having pizza at club GBMs. The exhaustive rules cover the particularities of which pizza stores are recommended, which toppings are acceptable, and which utensils are necessary for serving pizza.
College sophomore Alexis Tremblay was woken up by natural light peaking through her blinds. She looked out her window, saw the blue sky and swaying trees, and thought, “Wow. I’m lucky to be here at Penn. I have a lot to be thankful for and I am excited to take on this day.”
It started out just like how every group photo does: two ladies taking a photo. Then a third woman inserts herself into the shot. A few more weasel themselves into the growing crowd. Then naturally Brooke thinks to herself, “hey, if Melissa’s in this picture, then why the hell am I standing on the sideline?”
Reflecting back on the past three years, College senior Jason Klipp thought he had Penn just about figured out. He knew the fastest route through campus, the coolest classes in his major, and the best places to drop a deuce between classes. But on Wednesday, it became painfully clear that there was one aspect of Penn life he was never able to master: accurately spelling out the surname of our great leader, Dr. Amy Gutmann.
In a landmark study, Penn researchers have determined that your neighbor from freshman year who spontaneously erupted with selections from Les Miserables and Fiddler sucks.
When Jamie Chen’s (C ‘22) high school friends told her that grades weren’t a substitute for a personality, she took it as a challenge. Set to enter Penn with a perfect transcript, Chen noticed something horrifically disturbing about the University’s grading policy.
On Wednesday, University President Amy Gutmann and Provost Wendell Pritchett named former Florida Governor Jeb Bush a non-resident Presidential Professor of Practice for the 2018-2019 academic year. Though few are sure what this actually means for Penn, even fewer care about Jeb Bush at all.
Albert Song (E '19) is just one credit away from graduating. He was also one credit away from graduating last year, the year before, and even back in 2011. No, he hasn't taken a gap decade. And no, he hasn't even left Penn. He has spent the past seven years of his life emailing professors, counting down until advance registration, and failing to get into CIS 518: Neural Deep Data Machine Intelligence—the only class that he needs to graduate.
The days of partially-nude headshots are over. Thanks to a recent LinkedIn update, you can no longer annoy that one friend with a fancy camera to snap 60 identical photos of you outside Huntsman in your best blazer while completely naked from the waist down.
Missing our OG Benjamin Franklin Presidential Practice Professor? Desperately need to check out another downtown on a Tuesday night? Well, you're in luck. Details below:
Last week College junior Emma Bentley received news that she would not be invited to join the Penn Ikea Furniture Building Club. “I’ve always been a passionate builder—no—assembler. It was time to take the next step and move beyond my solo work,” said Bentley.
Solutions by The State News
