The table missed seeing the frat guys slowly develop hearing loss and miss their shot with girls every weekend. It was like the whole house left without even saying goodbye. 

Language is a beautiful way to connect with others, and I can’t wait to use my linguistic skills to tell the world how much of an absolute bitch my housemate is.

The sleek metal, cold to the touch and coursing with Apollonian energy, feels alien to the gays and girls’ empathetic faculties. Some are also just simply “too hot” to reduce themselves to using technology on a consistent basis. 

When asked how this decision will help out schools, Cohen stated with a smile: “The Penn Bookstore is committed to price matching any textbook needs."

“Yeah, I’m here because I dissed my professor’s new haircut pretty hard,” Phyllis Herrell (C ‘23) confessed to his counselor. “I mean, it really looked like a wild racoon made its way onto his scalp and died there, but he wasn’t supposed to hear all that.”

“Of course it’s California and Oregon. The damn libertards are setting the state on fire and making smoke just so people wear masks,” said Bigdumm. “Wake up you sheeple, can’t you see it's just the government trying to control you.” 

Capitalizing off tensions arising in part due to the Cold War, this group successfully destroyed the property of thousands of people in West Philadelphia during the 1960s.

“The transition to online classes has been really great.” Tommy said, “I never need to come up with an excuse not to pass the pen. All to myself, baby.” 

Beto beats Biden by over 12 points with voters who drink craft beer!

"Look, this semester is challenging us all in really unique ways, and it's certainly not going to be normal by any standards. Adjustments will have to be made," he says, handing out his unchanged syllabus. 

“I’m so glad Penn gave us some time to just relax and get some stuff for the year that will prepare us,” as she took a bite from her green apple flavored gelatin snack.

"Wait, is that James from econ? He may be coughing and feel a bit hot but it must be from how sick and wild his night has already been." Frat doormen have an uncanny ability to diagnose COVID right on the spot and turn away those who they deem dangerous. 

All of those majestic, flowing, glistening green stripes. What ever could it mean? I haven’t the slightest. They say to truly understand big data, you have to listen to at least fifty hours of Kraftwerk. Hey, don’t look at me. I don’t make the rules here.

“What's great about the set-up is that instead of sitting in lecture for 4 or 5 hours a day, I only need to sit in lecture for 1 hour."

"People have been telling me 'wear a mask," and 'social distance' for months but I never really understood what that meant. I'm so used to being able to do whatever I want that I felt that those measures were oppressive and didn't apply to me."

On the bright side, students are fed three meals a day from Penn Commons, which thankfully did not have to downgrade their food for the prison environment. 

“So I was showering last week, and suddenly the water went cold and the pipes in the wall started shaking and gurgling,” Rochester excitedly told UTB. “If I close my eyes, it’s like I’m really in a shared bathroom in KCECH! So cool.”

No, Dan, I do not want to come to your hot tub party with Kayla and Karen, I don’t care how much Corona beer you have.  

If they tell you to get naked on camera, tell them you live in a multigenerational home and that your grandma is in the room.

“We hear you. We understand you. We stand by you. If you can’t live at home during the fall semester, why live at all?”