“Hold on, hold on, so let me get this straight. You guys want us to put more money toward improving student life?” Stanton bellowed between fits of laughter. “What is this — a university?”
The Pew Research Center has completed a landmark study which found that over half of Americans say “pew pew” when firing an imaginary gun, with “pew pew pew” and “pew” coming in second and third respectively.
“Hold on, hold on, so let me get this straight. You guys want us to put more money toward improving student life?” Stanton bellowed between fits of laughter. “What is this — a university?”
Jasper woke up Sunday morning with a slight headache, a dry mouth, two missed calls, and 12 text messages from his parents. He cursed. It happened again. He'd donated five dollars to Senator Michael Bennet’s presidential campaign.
The Pew Research Center has completed a landmark study which found that over half of Americans say “pew pew” when firing an imaginary gun, with “pew pew pew” and “pew” coming in second and third respectively.
Students on campus have long felt that the television in Perry World House was too small. Ruby Cheung, a sophomore in the college, told Under the Button reporters that the television was so small it made her embarrassed to be a Quaker.
When 2017 Wharton MBA graduate Steve Donovan left McKinsey, he was worried that his days of facilitating the immoral detainment of innocent people were over. He doesn’t have to worry anymore! As of this morning, Donovan has locked world-renowned K-pop supergroup BTS in a small steel cage.
It’s all but certain Teddy will ascend to the status of one of the greatest comedians alive, among other giants like Louis C. — shit, never mind. There’s one issue, though — he’s also kind of a dick.
Does it seem like, maybe, the fact that you couldn’t get off your ass and buy the agreed upon alcohol for the party has harmed someone who has an underlying condition that made her more vulnerable to shitty alcohol?
The party drug, popular amongst queers and avant-garde heterosexuals, will now be supplied on tap at the LGBT Center. Drop by with your reusable vial and fill up!
Just think of all the food that I will be able to enjoy. Margherita pizzas. Premium bento boxes. Whatever they sell at 34th Street Carvery. Your generous donation of dining dollars will make all the difference.
He thought he had nailed the interview, only to receive a short rejection response just .32 seconds after hanging up through Skype.
Aimee Brooks (W ’23), a freshman who hails from Chelsea, Manhattan and identifies as “old money,” is under the impression that this system is ultimately fair and unbiased.
“Feminism is all about empowering Susan, as well as those that Susan deems worthy of empowerment,” said the head of Penn Pan-Hellenic. "I promise we haven't misunderstood the concept."
Well, well, well, would you look at that: it’s syllabus policy revenge time.
But the time has come; the time for mankind to discover what lies at the bottom of the peanut butter tub.
There is nothing as handsome as a man with a cigarette. He might be showing early signs of lung cancer but he’s sure to have a hell of a time abroad.
“I know how stressful this time of year can be for students. Remember, I was a student myself! I had finals, too! I can relate. I’m a very relatable person,” she insists in the video's description.
In ASTR 001, the stakes are high. No one in the class has ever seen a number before, and suddenly a professor who was involved in a Nobel Prize-winning experiment is trying to convince hundreds of emotionally concussed students that gravity can bend space.
He's actually not done with finals yet. He still has a final paper due on Friday.
"Maybe I’ll just pay my way into Wharton like everyone else."
Solutions by The State News
