Considerate Classmate Chews Crunchy Food ~V e r y ~S l o w l y
“Ccc...rrr……... ONCH.” Oh God. Jessica froze. She looked around, the nib of carrot resting on her tongue. Could her classmates hear her? Had they noticed her shame?
News
Conspiracy: Amy Gutmann Has Been Replaced by a Lookalike, No One Notices
One time I thought I saw her, but it was just a very lifelike looking tree with yellow leaves. And that was in the fall.
Considerate Classmate Chews Crunchy Food ~V e r y ~S l o w l y
“Ccc...rrr……... ONCH.” Oh God. Jessica froze. She looked around, the nib of carrot resting on her tongue. Could her classmates hear her? Had they noticed her shame?
Congratulations! You’ve Been Selected for a Lobotomy
Say goodbye to your frontal lobe and say hello to a whole new world! A talented team of specialized doctors have decided that you should not think anymore.
Conspiracy: Amy Gutmann Has Been Replaced by a Lookalike, No One Notices
One time I thought I saw her, but it was just a very lifelike looking tree with yellow leaves. And that was in the fall.
A Message From President Gutmann: Yoooo Smoke's Tonight?
A Message From President Gutmann University Notification: Request for a Lit Friday Night Amy Gutmann, President
Boring Stat Professor Fails to Reject the Dull Hypothesis
Look, the joke is in the title. I really don't have that much to say about this. I came up with this while bored in STAT-102. It's not even the professor's fault, he's actually a fairly engaging lecturer. Does that compromise the premise of this article? Maybe.
Amy Gutmann Completely Independently Chooses to Divest from Coal and Tar Sands
In a breathtaking feat of courage, President Amy Gutmann has defied student desires and popular opinion by choosing to divest from coal and tar sands while ingeniously remaining invested in all other forms of fossil fuels.
Wellness Win: Penn to Remove Mirrors From Van Pelt
"Whenever I’d go to the bathroom in the middle of a long study period I’d have mascara running down my face from all the tears. Then when I go back to studying I have the newfound knowledge that I’m stupid and ugly."
"Do You Want to Join Our Rodin Suite?" Asks Roommate Who Can't Count Above 4
“And we will all fit in the suite too. I know three is bigger than four, so two threes should be bigger than three. Four is bigger than three, so the math works out.”
Period End of Sentence Wins Oscar Again Because, ‘So Good’
In a historic first, Period. End of Sentence. has won an Oscar for the second year in a row, with the Academy recognizing the movie as, “so good.”
Year of the Rat Celebration Going Down 24/7 in the VP Basement
That’s right. Those grimey little rat boys are getting down and dirty at all hours of the day and night.
Top 10 Facemasks to Protect Against STDs
College life is when we are most susceptible to STDs. Here are some UTB approved ways to protect yourself against any sexual disease.
Louie Louie Newie! Ooey Gooey Chewy Ratatouille!
Yessiree: a groovy new chewie for the choosy foodie is on duty.
OP-ED: Hey Does Anyone Have A Cigarette?
Wait... does anyone have a cigarette? No pressure, just thirsty.
Letting Go of Your Forced Roommate Friendship Now that You Have Real Friends: A Freshman's Guide
Here are some tips for scraping off the roommate barnacle cramping your style now that you're done pretending you have anything in common.
Exposé: 34th Street Offices Actually on 40th
My personal faith in our media institutions have been shaken- what's next, The Statesman not actually having any of the respectability or basic moral decency that such a title invokes? Absolutely unthinkable.
Perry World House to Invite Non-white War Criminals for Once
Another leap forward for diversity! In an attempt to respond to students’ demand for equality, Perry World House announced its new initiative to invite war criminals of all colors to come speak and defend their infringement on human rights.
Snickering Group of Penn Professors Admit They Made Math Up For April Fools 1981
“Did you guys seriously think all of that crap was real?” Professor Joseph Godin remarked, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. “Oh my goodness.”
Quiz: Which Under the Button Writers Should Get Some Help Right Now?
Our die-hard fans know — sometimes, UTB writers seem very sad and not ok. Our fans are not wrong! Some of our writers should get some help right now.
BREAKING: West and Down Closed Permanently Following Failed Vibe Check
The sick, twisted minds behind West and Down will be moving their establishment to an abandoned fish factory in Croatia. The owners said, “We are really excited about the new direction of West and Down, and we know our business model will flourish at Skuša-Šnjur Tvornica.”
Friends Concerned Kelsey not Drinking Enough Alcohol
“Kelsey just drinks a frighteningly small amount,” said a friend who wanted to remain anonymous.
