Stupid Girl at Berghain Doesn’t Understand Going to Penn Kind of a Big Deal Where I’m From
I return to my friends and relay a successful tale of rizz. They are impressed. I have done it again, they say.
Opinion
Champagne This, Shackles That, Who’s Going To Bail Me Out for Public Indecency?
Champagne and shackles is yet another example of the blatant insensitivity of Penn students towards marginalized communities. Express your support for these communities by donating to my GoFundMe bail fund or the Innocence Project.
Stupid Girl at Berghain Doesn’t Understand Going to Penn Kind of a Big Deal Where I’m From
I return to my friends and relay a successful tale of rizz. They are impressed. I have done it again, they say.
Sorry I Said Your Writing Was Horrendous, Worthless, Asinine, and Elementary — I Was Just Hungry
I return having smoked a cigarette and eaten a Quest Bar. Dear Sir, your writing was great!
Champagne This, Shackles That, Who’s Going To Bail Me Out for Public Indecency?
Champagne and shackles is yet another example of the blatant insensitivity of Penn students towards marginalized communities. Express your support for these communities by donating to my GoFundMe bail fund or the Innocence Project.
OP-ED: My Ethnic Nose is Carrying This Diversity Initiative
Arab noses can be so beautiful, darling.
Counterpoints: "Penn Must Contend with its Complicated Legacy of Displacement" vs. "Sucks to Suck, That's the Free Market"
Two authors offer compelling viewpoints regarding the ongoing UC Townhomes controversy.
10 Places to Perform Queer Longing After Your Situationship Moves Onto the Next Artsy Gay Pennsylvanian
I just found out that no one dies from love? This discovery has me shocked and upset to say the least.
What?! Sigma Alpha Epsilon Not Actually Delicious Smoothie Bowl?
SAE was even rumored to throw late nights and events, how festive! Students even called SAE "dank," as a California girl who loves to hit the blunt, I was sold.
Report: Desserts Such as Bread Pudding
I’m literally addicted to food I have to eat it every day.
OP-ED: Calling Gutmann College House "The Gutty" Until I Quite Frankly Die
That building is The Gutty. Guh-tee. ?????.
OP-ED: If Low Rise Is Trendy Then Why Am I on the 24th Floor of Rodin?
How could I disobey such an important cause, such a vital commandment?
OP-ED: Mask and Wig Should Do One of These Shows Every Week!
You’re gonna come, they dangle a pocket watch in front of your face. Your vision goes black. All you can think about is the Mask & Wig show. You’re convinced.
OP-ED: Give Me a Wet, Sloppy European Kiss on the Cheek
Get it over with, wet and sloppy, just like I asked.
Your Decorations Are So Cute! And 7 Other Lies Guaranteed to Get You Friends in College
“You’re so good at Math 1400… I wish I could do derivatives like you.”
Take Your Mind off of Academic Woes! Browse These Fall-Fun-Photos of Amy G’s Warm Toned Midcentury Princeton Home on Zillow
Everything about this house says: I was the longest serving president in Penn history.
im so lonely im gonna mert myself
taketh me hence in an ambulance, a warmeth forehead’s kiss <3
OP-ED: I Am a True Artist Who Cannot “Come to Club Meeting” or “Buy Alc for Pregame”
Shall I let the image of me approaching imminent death hang above my head like the Sword of Damocles? My mortality alone is principle enough.
OP-ED: Wharton Alliance Should Allow LGBTQ+ Allies to Cissy That Walk!
Cishet men/women dating in a nebulous queer way shall immediately be VPs of the diversity and inclusion committee.
There Will Be Blood: My Hallmate Fucked My Mom
When I met him during move-in my heart skipped a beat. So did my mom's.
Woke Mob Hasn’t Cancelled David Bowie but Here Are the 10 Tweets I Will Fire Off if They Hypothetically Did
I am a top student at the University of Pennsylvania, not a prostitute.
