Freshman Who Chose Penn For ‘Party School’ Status Applies to Transfer After Visiting Literally Any Other School
Penn students’ motto is work hard, play harder, right? Our bangers rival those of Playboy’s top party schools, yeah?
Most Recent
TSA Praises Van Pelt Library Security for Finding Innovative Ways to Annoy People in a Rush
Last night, Van Pelt Library was awarded its greatest honor to date. In a surprise announcement, head of the Transportation Security Administration David Shoosoff named Van Pelt the recipient of their prestigious “Keeping Americans Safe Award."
Freshman Who Chose Penn For ‘Party School’ Status Applies to Transfer After Visiting Literally Any Other School
Penn students’ motto is work hard, play harder, right? Our bangers rival those of Playboy’s top party schools, yeah?
Report: Freshman Hallucinates After Eating Shrubs Along Locust
Most people are thankful that a Penn intern recently mapped edible shrubs along Locust. Not Jason Lee (C ’22), though. In an unexpected turn of events, the pre-med freshman was seen stumbling near the Quad with a stupefied look on his face.
TSA Praises Van Pelt Library Security for Finding Innovative Ways to Annoy People in a Rush
Last night, Van Pelt Library was awarded its greatest honor to date. In a surprise announcement, head of the Transportation Security Administration David Shoosoff named Van Pelt the recipient of their prestigious “Keeping Americans Safe Award."
Geology Professor Cuts the Bullshit, Hands Everyone an A on the First Day of Class
Students in GEOL 104, Rocks and Sand, were met by a pleasant surprise on Tuesday when they received an email from CITsender. The Grade? An A+. For everyone in the class.
Sophomore Mistakes Listening to New Brockhampton Album for Having Actual Personality
Alvin McDavid (C '21), who is best known for having listened to the 2011 smash throwback hit Pumped Up Kicks "before it was mainstream," has just discovered a new musical masterpiece upon which he can base his entire social media presence—Brockhampton's Irridescence.
Freshman Clutching Pedialyte Bottle at Hill Brunch Wants YOU To Know He Drank Alcohol Last Night!
Yo, this kid is sick! Jared Wells (C ’22) sipped on the devil’s sweet, sweet nectar last night at a few parties thrown by some dudes who he’s actively trying to impress by reflecting an inauthentic version of himself.
Sophomore Prepared to Divulge All Personal Secrets to Fill Awkward Silence
As of Saturday afternoon, Lara Simmons (C '21) came to the realization that she was prepared to divulge all personal secrets in an effort to fill an awkward silence.
OP-ED: No, I Definitely Didn't Memorize This Restaurant's Menu, And I Haven’t Practiced Saying My Order Out Loud
Friend, thanks so much for reaching out to schedule our monthly catch-up dinner for tonight. I have a crippling fear of social interaction and pass the days convincing myself that my friends all hate me, so this was a lovely surprise!
Guy Who Skipped All His 9AMs Was Actually Extremely Sick
Tyler Stones (C ’21) has missed every single 9 a.m. class this semester. It’s not for the reasons you might think, though.
Man Crosses One Lane Of Street Before Crossing Sign Illuminates, Describes Living Life 2 Whole Seconds Ahead Of Peers
According to Wharton sophomore and self-proclaimed economic philosopher Chad Peters, time is the world’s scarcest resource. For those busy souls like Peters, waiting a full 30 seconds for the light to change before crossing the street is simply not an option.
Small Talk About Fall Break Only Acceptable Until Sunday
Mark your calendars for October 14th! Aside from being National Dessert Day, this Sunday marks the last day you’re allowed to make small talk with people about fall break.
Junior Thinks Frat House Next Door Is Disgusting, Also Loves Ketamine
Brian McLaughlin (C '20) has been living next door to an off-campus fraternity for the past two years. “It’s ridiculous,” said the 20-year-old PPE major, “These guys are just drinking and smoking all day every day; it’s pathetic.”
Van Pelt Study Carrels to be Renamed 'I'm Watching Netflix, Please Don't Talk to Me' Cubicles
The library, which was initially built as a space for intellectual and academic rigor, has since become a breeding ground for depressing all-nighters, peaceful poops in the third floor bathrooms, and very questionable bag-checking policies.
McAvocado Toast Last Nail in Gentrification Coffin
Like if you didn't McSee that one coming!
OP-ED: Is He Flirting With You or Giving You a Look Because You Can't Stop Coughing?
It’s hard to tell though if a potential boyfriend is flirting with you or just giving you a look while you’re in the middle of a cough attack in Fisher Fine Arts. Here are some tips to figure it out once and for all.
Fine Arts Dept. Unveils New Course: 'How to Add Little Squiggly Lines to Photos'
The move comes after a rise in party photography at Penn, in which fraternities and sororities hire someone who owns a nice camera to photograph their drunk members and add fun little squiggly lines to all the photos.
Sophomore Rejected From Club After Grueling Superday
“I never knew that someone could be robbed of that much time.” Daniel Garza (E ’21) noted as he drifted onto Locust Walk in his suit and tie. He looked broken and beaten—exactly what the Blockchain Consulting Group wanted.
Penn to Unveil New Dining Plans: LOL, WTF, and ASS
You’ve tried BFF. You’ve already had a mouthful of BEN. Heck, at some point you considered trying PPE. But if you’re still struggling to find that one perfect meal plan, then these new, upcoming options just may be on the table. UTB reached out to Penn Dining General Manager Carl Haim for the deets.
Senior Blows ‘Signing Bonus’ in Vegas, Has Not Yet Landed Any First Round Interviews
Senior Bryn Williamson had the fall break of her life. She’s only had three other fall breaks and they were all going home to the Main Line, but this one was definitely the best. Williamson and 150 of her closest friends in the top 1% followed in the footsteps of their elders and made the pilgrimage to Sin City.
Sophomore’s Plan to Use Last Day of Fall Break to Catch Up on Three Weeks of Reading Backfires
College sophomore Martin Stone had the perfect plan for Fall Break. A two-step plan, he was going to spend weeks beforehand procrastinating on his readings because he’d “have time to finish everything over Fall Break,” and then he was going to further procrastinate on all his readings until the Sunday of break.
