A spokesperson from the Wawa at 38th and Spruce announced yesterday that “all snacks that can fit in a small tote bag, or maybe a large purse” will be totally free of charge, effective immediately. Bailey Crenshaw, longtime employee and now General Manager of the beloved campus convenience store, made the statement on Wednesday to a crowd of Penn students and members of the press.

Wharton junior Casey Peterson was delighted when her best friend, Michelle Harris (C ’20), registered to join her in MKTG 205 (Intro to Subliminal buyfangstock Messaging). They only bought one copy of the textbook for the two to share and spent the first few classes blissfully mocking the boy in a suit in the front row. Neither suspected that this semester would be anything other than a sort of fun bonding experience, but then things took a dark turn.

Reports surfaced late last night that Jared wants to know what ethnicity you are. Curiosity peaked when you walked in the door to Sigma Omega Sigma with your five best friends, and Jared did not immediately know what your place of ancestry was.

Mark Campbell (C ’21) is so proud of himself for sticking to his diet regimen so far. After one too many tummy pokes from his mom this summer saying how he’s so “big-boned” and seeing a bit more Commons ice cream sundaes on his thighs than he’d like, he’s finally off a meal plan and eating his fair share of fruits, veggies, and proteins.

Talk about resourcefulness!  Damian Joseph knows a thing or two about a bargain. In his apartment, he managed to get the bigger room by only offering to pay a few hundred dollars extra. And even just last week, he managed to get a Halal chicken over rice for $4, because "the guy knows him pretty well." Now, Joseph is combining his business acumen and love of bargaining to make the most impactful transaction of his life—the sale of his soul.

As part of its ongoing initiative to claim the title of “most money-hungry Ivy League school,” Penn announced that all sophomores will be required to live in college housing starting next year.  “Our administration has constantly strived to extract the most wealth from our students and surrounding community as possible,” a spokesperson wrote in a university-wide email. “From charging $70 for sushi at Franklin’s Table that we bought off of UberEats to gentrifying the moon, Penn has always led the charge. But today, we are confident that requiring all sophomores, regardless of financial status, to remain in Penn housing will allow our school to finally be the best at something.”

Constantly reminding all those in attendance of his impending midterm, Wharton junior Daniel Evans was the star of the pregame last Thursday, dazzling peers with his incredible display of courage, mental fortitude, and clear-cut decision making.

Good fucking save bro. Anonymous sophomore Jack M* (name changed), a brother in Beta Omega Iota Zeta Fraternity (BOIZ) almost made a real blunder. After telling his brothers that he was going to the gym, Jack was seen by an informant at the Art Museum looking at Renaissance paintings. He had to think fast to come up with an appropriate explanation that wouldn’t make him look “weak” or “sensitive.” Quick on his feet, Jack came up with the perfect thing—he told his brothers that he just likes looking at the naked pics!

I know I might be a little intrusive, but I just really need to sit in the front row to concentrate. I find that sitting too far away from the professor creates a divide that’s challenging to get over, and it makes my undiagnosed ADHD run wild.

Earlier today, Amy Gutmann rolled out the new "Second Year Experience." The program, which will require all sophomores to live in on-campus University housing, ensures that every Penn student will be guaranteed two years of fearfully walking to the shower in just a bath towel.

Wow. Is there anything this woman can’t do? Amy Gutmann’s new Second Year Experience program, officially announced today in a campus-wide email, requires all sophomores to live in on-campus housing starting in 2021.  Of course, we expect any email coming from our President to announce changes that make life more frustrating and difficult at Penn. But to also make life more difficult for private landlords? Brilliant.

1. Whose dirty Tupperware is in the sink? a. Yeah that’s mine. I was up all night debugging my code. You can’t blame me there bro: school always comes first. But even though I have enough time to meal prep for the next six months, I don’t have the 30 seconds it takes to wash one, singular item of dishware. b. Listen buddy, I was exhausted after my day at OCR. Do you not understand how important the work that I’m doing is? Of course, it’s my Tupperware. But, dude, it’s one extra dish. Just wash it with your stuff. You’re being kind of selfish if you ask me.

While most students dread icebreakers, College sophomore Melanie Rosenthal has a fun fact that is hard to beat. After learning of her acceptance to Penn, Rosenthal decided to take a year off to explore her passion for cooking. One year later, she entered her freshman fall with a degree from the famed cooking school, Le Cordon Bleu.

Curt Curtis (C ‘22) had a single dream growing up. Recognized at the age of two for his precocious musical ability, Curt found himself on track to be the greatest oboe player of our generation. But it all fell apart when Curt (who had his name legally changed at the age of seven) received a rejection letter from the Curtis Institute of Music. Bitter and defeated, he settled for Penn.

Some people treat being busy like a competition. But I refuse to think like that. Despite being so busy with my 6.5 credits, 4 club commitments, and more papers than you probably have, I always find time in my packed schedule to shed some tears.

Sarah Moretti, a College freshman in URBS 254—Gender and Power in Cities of Western Europe, was found to be physically unable to not raise her hand in seminar. Moretti’s disorder was uncovered in a yearlong study through the Perelman School of Medicine. 

Over the past few weeks, Josh Adebayo (E ‘22) has been in the spotlight of the Engineering community for his decision to break ranks with the school’s strict culture of dress. Instead of conforming to wear cargo shorts and a “Venmo” or “King’s Court ‘22” tee every day, Adebayo often wears joggers in addition to his favorite PennApps shirt, or, occasionally, his $800 Supreme hoodie.

Sure, Huntsman closing means you need to find new 24-hour study spaces. But more importantly: where on campus are you going to fuck while your roommate is sleeping?

For centuries, it has been clear that God has a limited number of spots in heaven, and for centuries, humans have debated who would get those spots.  Some thought the Catholics would be chosen, some thought it would be the Muslims, others thought it would be non-violent activists. All of them were wrong. Today God announced Cheryl Wineman (N '21) will be the only one going to heaven when the world burns in hellfire, because she committed to not using plastic straws.

There’s a fox in the henhouse, and I know it’s you, Sharon. I bet you thought you were pretty damn clever with your “maybe you’d remember eating your own food if you didn’t come home blackout drunk four nights a week!” excuses. That is, at best, a flimsy cover, and, at worst, gaslighting.