“Nevertheless, she persisted” merchandise? More like “Nevertheless, she frack-sisted” merch!  

I'm banking on the fact that Sir Lord Joestick's erections are numbered and that maybe, in the near future, we can all swim in the honeypot for a change. But till then, I'll just have to go with the prick that will at least give me a chance at finishing. 

Now I can say with certainty that anyone on campus must have mommy issues. Sucks to suck. 

Sure, it’s nice to see you all repost a video of a polar bear standing on melting ice, but did you personally go to the Arctic and sacrifice yourself as a form of sustenance for the bear? That’s what I thought.

Ashley reportedly wanted to “take this pandemic seriously” and “survive.” What a fucking bitch am I right? 

Days on end I have spent somberly staring out the window, my feminine passions lit ablaze by the sight of anyone resembling a delivery man. 

Oh, give me a break.

Polio victims have had a long history of pushing progressive policies. A polio victim pushed through the New Deal.  Who does Coronavirus have? Donald Trump? Chris Christie? Lindsay Graham?  

We could meal prep for the week, attend ten 60-second lectures, or take a really good shit - if only our professors actually respected our time.

You can believe everything I have to say about this school because I basically go here already. With Eric Furda’s approval, my trusty lanyard, and steamy Ben Franklin statue photos, I have the holy trinity of being a seasoned Penn student.

I quickly ordered my anti blue light glasses, but unfortunately due to the current mailing crisis, they won't get here for another month! I'm counting down the days until I can finally nut, Zoom free. 

The jokes are a simple acknowledgment of the number, simply followed by the word, “Nice.” 

I know that that you're way out of my league, given that you're an international sensation now, but Mike Pence's Head Fly, WILL YOU GO TO PROM WITH ME? 

The girl next to you tells everyone she’s “outdoorsy.” You call BS. Settle for these more realistic lies that will surely rock everyone’s socks!

Don’t think of yourself as an incel watching Zoom lectures, think of yourself as a monk dedicating your life to the one true cause—  Runescape. 

Come one guys, it's not that hard to figure out! All you have to do is pull the elastic straps over your ears and cover your mouth. That's it! What's all this covering your nose bullshit? 

I needed a handle that would be catchy, a little political, but not too edgy. In honor of our recently deceased Supreme Court justice, I decided to go with @theNotoriousV.A.G. 

Of course, maybe the first sign should have been when she dropped her onlyfans link in the chat on the first day of class offering extra credit for subscribing.

Therapy is a capitalist cash-grab scheme, and we’re tired of big Psych compelling our readers to waste their money.

I write some of my own poetry and short stories and, of course, I'm reading high literary art including the likes of Joyce, Faulkner, and Marlowe, but sometimes after a long day of scholarly pursuits, I find myself indulging in my high school guilty pleasure: fan-fiction.