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What the Hell? Someone On Floor Cooking Steak au Poivre Again

What is that succulent scent wafting through the hallowed halls of Harnwell? God damn it. Is that steak au poivre?

Sturdy Girl Looking for Well-Balanced Guy

Please send in a picture (FULL BODY!!!) and a brief description of yourself. Include BMI, favorite position, income, and list of daily vitamins. I promise that if you are the right fit, we will have an amazing time together :) 

OP-ED: Penn Greek Life Spreading COVID-19 Is Dismissive Towards Those in the Philadelphia Community That Failed To Get Bids

“It’s disrespectful towards those in the Philadelphia community who have always been hospitable towards these kids and literally can’t even get into an invite-only rush event. It’s bullshit.”

Report: Second Floor Panera Bread Fraught With the Hostile Stares of the Better Adjusted

But is any of this effort enough to gear me up for the absolute bloodbath on the second floor of Panera Bread? 

OP-ED: Penn Board of Trustees Votes to Begin Annual Child Sacrifices to Welcome the Harvest, and I FW It.

I know what you’re all thinking: Aren’t there so many better reasons to sacrifice children than to welcome the harvest? The answer is no, there isn’t. 

Let’s Abolish the Pipeline from NASCAR to Penn Transit

When Jerry swerves and hits that sharp right turn, my heart drops to my ass, and suddenly I’m a devout Christian.

Sup Bro: Do You Mind Proofreading My Essay?

Yeah, just read it over and add a few suggestions or something. I’ll take a look at it once I get back from Smokes. Don’t be afraid to tear it to shreds — it’s due at midnight.

Bill Gates? 5G? The Real Truth Behind DP+

Tracking Penn students is the DP's ultimate wet dream.

Girl Who Hates Her Birthday Makes Big Deal About Birthday

I am a cool, chill girl who just doesn’t care about my birthday.

OP-ED: COVID-19 Sucks, But Old People Suck More

I just think that before we have a conversation about the negative effects of COVID, we should just quickly talk about the negative effects of the elderly.

Exclusive Hot Bitch Location: The High Rise Stairwells

Want to look like the most exclusive, hottest bitches in Philadelphia? UTB did all the hard work for you and found out where they all like to hang out.  

It's Not Junk Food, Mom: I'm Carrying on the Duchampian Tradition of the Readymade

For the last time, Mommy: stop calling my Cheetos “junk food”. They are far, far more important than you will ever know.

How To Tell Your White Friends Their Smelly Asses Need a Bidet

You think sheets of paper are gonna rectify the damage of your blowing asshole?

Lonely? Buy Another Plant You Depressed Son of a Bitch

Some have commented that plants are even better than digital interactions, such as Facetime or Zoom, because “My monstera can’t leave me like everyone else.”  

Op-Ed: Stop COVID Vaccinations and Let Us Die as the Lord Intended

If you repent and pray extra hard, you will be saved.

Unhinged! Seven Doors that Aren’t Structurally Sound

We all know that doors are all a little bonkers, but these seven doors are TOTALLY unhinged!  

Sophie’s Choice: Invite Me to Your Party or Know I’ll Report It

You, dear reader, are presented today with a similar, devastating predicament: Do you invite me to your party OR know that I will shut down your shindig out of spite and hot jealous rage? 

TBH: I Need Like, Two Consecutive Weeks of Engagement Days

One measly day isn’t enough to process the trauma of calling your professor Mom, let alone one to four whole years of undergrad. Yo, Gutmann! Don’t leave me high and dry here.

Breaking! Campus Just as Lonely and Boring as Staying Home

Or perhaps all along they’ve been the thing stopping themselves from achieving happiness. No, that’s not possible--it’s not as though they sabotage themselves by having 7+ hours of screen time, eating 1.5 meals a day, and sleeping only 4 hours.

People Cheer as Cocky February Birthdays Are Finally Taken Down by Corona

They thought that they were simply built different and that their stupid little February birthdays were safe. But now who has the last damn word?