I wish you could see me now, Moelis Family.

They'll try their hardest for a quirky play but settle for generic titles and promotions likeeee??

And look at that — you made a new friend, scaled Penn’s social ladder, and are now one degree of separation from the heir to the Funyuns fortune. Not bad, right?

Erm… as if there’s a “regular” type of period to have.

She calls me gringo and I call her Mi Amor.

Ponytailed or French braided? On foot or scooter? There is a myriad of sports she could play.

I return to my friends and relay a successful tale of rizz. They are impressed. I have done it again, they say.

I return having smoked a cigarette and eaten a Quest Bar. Dear Sir, your writing was great!

Champagne and shackles is yet another example of the blatant insensitivity of Penn students towards marginalized communities. Express your support for these communities by donating to my GoFundMe bail fund or the Innocence Project. 

I am Girl.

Arab noses can be so beautiful, darling.

Two authors offer compelling viewpoints regarding the ongoing UC Townhomes controversy. 

I just found out that no one dies from love? This discovery has me shocked and upset to say the least. 

SAE was even rumored to throw late nights and events, how festive! Students even called SAE "dank," as a California girl who loves to hit the blunt, I was sold.

I’m literally addicted to food I have to eat it every day.

That building is The Gutty. Guh-tee. ?????.

How could I disobey such an important cause, such a vital commandment? 

You’re gonna come, they dangle a pocket watch in front of your face. Your vision goes black. All you can think about is the Mask & Wig show. You’re convinced. 

Get it over with, wet and sloppy, just like I asked.

“You’re so good at Math 1400… I wish I could do derivatives like you.”