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Opinion


Penn Club Initiatives: Have They Gotten Out of Hand?

I believe that no student should have to take Econ 001 or Econ 002 at Penn.


Quitting Nicotine Is So Easy! I’ve Already Done It Like 6 Times

Vaping is bad for you.


World Record: I’ve Accumulated 137 Green 2 Go Boxes in My Room

Anything green is sustainable, right????


OP-ED: The Grab and Go Policy Should Be Extended to Fracket Piles

Tonight, like a phoenix from the ashes, you will steal that Aritizia Superpuff that was so delicately, so playfully tossed across the Natty Light puddle beneath your feet. It’s fate.


OP-ED: Don’t You Think Homosexuals Are Just Narcissistic?

Hear me out. It's what they would want: voices being heard. 


If Professor Old, Then Why Sexy?

Only a professor’s combination of graying hair, softly wrinkled skin, and comments that make you say, “Wait, is he a Republican?” could so perfectly satisfy both my sapiosexuality and my Oedipus complex.


Take the Stairs, Man! I am a Werewolf Who Needs to Make it to Rooftop Lounge Quickly so That I Can Stare Longingly at the Moon

 OMG protip: can you,,,, like take the staiws if u live on floor 5 or below??? Pl0x???// *tail swishing* roflcopter!!!!!! 


I’m in Charge Now, Suckers: Welcome to Pritchett World

Who am I, you ask? WHO AM I? I’m Wendell goddamn Pritchett! What do you mean, you’ve never heard of me? Shut up! SHUT! UP!!! God DAMN IT!


Write What You Know: Here are 80 Pages on My Own Staggering Genius

Looking back at the headline of this article, which I pitched but a few paltry days ago, I can only conclude that it was birthed from a fit of narcissistic megalomania, potentially while I was under the influence of the good ol’ rotgut, no less.


Style Tip: Make Your Outfit Sluttier by Only Wearing One Mask to Class

Let’s address the university’s new double mask mandate for what it is: a blatantly misogynistic attack on the rights of sexy girls everywhere to show some skin and release some particles. 


Women: Misogynists?

Without women, there would be no sexism


OP-ED: Hear Me Out, Some Classes Need to Be Virtual

Some say that being in-person is vital for actually learning, but not enough studies have been done on the effect of in-person learning on my mental health. 


OP-ED: They Should Replace the Quad With 1,500 Individual Tiny Homes

This is the new Freshman experience.


So What My Poster of Monica Lewinsky Eating Out Bill Clinton is in my Zoom Background

Do you prefer I move my camera onto my poster of Gandhi snorting coke off of a hooker's ass? Or a make-a-wish kid on a private jet to Epstein’s Island? 


Breaking the Penn Face: Yeah I Wanna Punch You

Because if I'm not happy, nobody should be. 


OP-ED: They Should Replace Green Passes With the Gold Star Sticker System From Preschool

You were able to produce spit into a tube within an allotted two-week period? Gold star.


OP-ED: Thanksgiving Is for Family, Which Is Why It’s the One Day They’re Allowed Out of the Basement

During the year, I feed Mom, Dad, Susie, Aunt Margaret, cousins Bobby, Johnny and Lily, and Grandpa Marty through IV bags, but on Thanksgiving, I allow them to eat with their mouths!


Oh You Can’t Name Five Brothers? Take a Lap

Yeah, I’m sorry man, I can’t let all of you guys in unless you know other brothers in the house. I don’t make the rules! Well…actually…I kind of do.


OP-ED: All Lectures Should Be Asynchronous and Our Eyes Should Be Replaced with Cybernetic Implants

Do we want to be left in the dust when the colossal machine that is globalization sweeps by? Or do we want to gouge out our eyeballs, excavate all of the vitreous humor, and insert spherical seeing devices designed by our top scientists and engineers into the gaps?


OP-ED: Let’s Not Cancel Mansplaining Because I Actually Don’t Understand Anything

No, I don’t understand what the fuck a supply shortage is and why it is causing the Starbucks on 40th and Walnut to be out of stock of the breakfast sandwich I eat every single day. 


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