Ja Rule Hired by SPEC to Deliver Bahamian Fling
Ja Rule simply stated that Fling 2019 will be "Fyre."
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2 Step Authentication Now Required to Enter Smokes
Once this policy is in place, any patrons who have not enrolled in two-step verification will be unable to access Smokey Joe's or utilize any of its resources. Violations are punishable by I.D. bend and permanent banishment.
Ja Rule Hired by SPEC to Deliver Bahamian Fling
Ja Rule simply stated that Fling 2019 will be "Fyre."
Letter from the Editor: Sorry Suckers, I’m a White Man Now
Elizabeth Beugg
Wednesday, Jan. 30, 2019Wed, Jan 30, 2019
Formerly a self-critical and empathetic female, I’ve decided to publicly inform you all that I’ve changed since assuming my role as Editor-in-chief of Under the Button.
2 Step Authentication Now Required to Enter Smokes
Once this policy is in place, any patrons who have not enrolled in two-step verification will be unable to access Smokey Joe's or utilize any of its resources. Violations are punishable by I.D. bend and permanent banishment.
Thirsty Freshmen Head to Frat Party, Leave With Five Gallons of Water
In that moment we were so thirsty and feeling so naughty that we knew that we had to steal it or else we would literally combust.
Genius: Student Who Corrected Math Professor in Packed Lecture Hall Gains Tenure
And who's this running in from the back? Why, none other than President Amy Gutmann, a permanent job contract resting in her hand. “You’ve done our Penn community well, Brandon,” Gutmann said with a smile.
5 Cliché Windows For Your Amateur Photoshoot of Impromptu Snowstorm
In the spirit of giving, UTB is here to help you d-bags out. It was hard to narrow down the five best windows out of the 1,366,475 windows on campus, but after great deliberation we have compiled a list.
AirPennNet Celebrates 1 Million Hours Of Pornography Streamed On Network
Gutmann and the Board of Trustees have sought to boost erotica consumption through the Power of Porn campaign.
4 Ways to Express That I'm Short Without Lifting Me and Twirling 360 Degrees
I know I'm short. I know you think I'm short. I can see how much you want to express it. By all means, go ahead.
OP-ED: We Shouldn't Call Dining Hall Food 'Food'
People have different conceptions of food and how it is prepared, served, and eaten. So when you call the pale, bland concoctions behind the sneeze guard at Commons "food," it can be insulting to those of us who grew up eating things like bread, meat, fruits, and vegetables that are actually seasoned and have flavors.
Ben Simmons MERTed After Every Guy at City Tap House Tells Him to Take More Shots
Despite multiple security guards protecting Simmons from his fellow patrons at Tap House, they could not prevent a few unwelcome comments from being hurled at the NBA player from across the bar. The first of which came from lifelong Sixers fan Dan Spagnola (C ‘19) who yelled at the pass-first point guard to “take more shots.”
Howie Mandel Instructs Student How to “Phone a Lifeline” After Exhausting All Other Two-Step Verification Codes
Sadly, Webster’s only lifeline was his now ex-girlfriend, Miranda Sheath who had "had it up to here with Cole’s drunken bullshit." But left with no other choice, Webster made the call as Howie Mandel hummed the Deal or No Deal theme song to himself, applying ample hand sanitizer all the while.
OP-ED: SISTERS, This Rush is Super Sweet, but Does She Spark Joy?
Consider, deeply, the fact that you are not choosing rushes to discard, but, rather, rushes to keep.
How Waking Up at 6 A.M. Everyday Gave Me More Time To Tell People I Wake Up At 6 A.M. Everyday
I get up early. Real mother-effing early. Like so early, you’d think I’m a student-athlete.
Report: 90% of US Population Will be Consulting for Each Other by 2030
The sheer number of consultants working in ten years will necessitate that they work for each other.
Amy Gutmann Finally Denounces Logan and Jake Paul
On behalf of the Penn community, I vehemently condemn their actions over the last two years, and implore you to unsubscribe and down-vote their videos.
Sorority Engaged in Immersive Rehearsals of Live Action Rendition of 'Madeline'
They have dedicated the six weeks until spring break to wholeheartedly morphing into French children. Preparation for the performance includes weekly Parc brunches, mixers with Euro Penn, and developing a rather dangerous addiction to cigarettes.
This Year I'm Keeping With My New Years Resolution Of Not Jacking Off In Van Pelt
That fifth floor bathroom is just calling your name. You swallow your pride, head up the stairs, see the beautiful, little green tab – vacant.
Finally: NCH Dining Hall Hires Death Grips Frontman to Yell When Your Order's Ready
Freshmen agree: our staff just hasn’t been shouting loudly enough.
Guy Who's Been Lame For 3 Years Excited to Finally Identify as Washed Senior
Talking about going to events and never showing up is basically the norm, so I can just make up plans for the weekend and if anyone calls me on it I can just say that I got tired!
Your Rush Guide to Fraternity House Architecture
Once inside, a fraternity house’s visual experience typically includes at least three pieces of taxidermy, and enough platforms to make the entire floor one large elevated surface.
