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Trump-Kim Summit Breaks down After Refusal to Budge on Issue of Khloe as New Bachelorette

When Trump was asked why he wouldn’t allow Kim’s sister Khloe to take on the fairly meaningless role as the new Bachelorette, he responded with typical aplomb. “She’s a five, maybe a six on a really good day. This show? It’s the pinnacle of American culture, and we can’t be having just anyone on it, so I can’t give this to her.”


Amazing! This Chem Student Inadvertently Learned Metric Conversions by Dealing Ganj

Despite receiving a 51 on the class’s first exam and missing two homework deadlines, Shazer redeemed himself in the eyes of Dr. Mackey with his outstanding performance in their last class.


OP-ED: Penn's Hookup Culture Doesn't Exist, Cuz If It Did I'd Be Slaying Mad Poon

Think about it. If people here really got down and dirty before dating for at least seven months, I, of all people, would be reaping the benefits.


OP-ED: I Hope the World Ends Before I Graduate so I Don’t Disappoint My Mother by Not Going to Law School

 mean, sure, being a lawyer would be cool. I guess. But, bro, let’s be real. That is hella work. Applications, recs, LSATs, etc. I can’t even get my UTB articles in on time.


OP-ED: Sorry I’m Late. I Didn’t Want to Come

But this time, I’m telling you the truth. I didn’t want to come to this GBM so intensely, it’s actually a miracle that I’m here at all. I already know the names of everyone in my sketch group. Plus, your “announcements” are things you could just send us via email.


Student Disturbed to Learn That Attractive, Well-Spoken Classmate Also Really Nice

She completely blindsided me and said that I made a really insightful point in class the other day.


Thought Experiment: I Think I Could Do More Push-Ups Than Wendell Pritchett

That’s not to say that I’m necessarily very good at push-ups, just that I think I’m definitely better at them than Wendell.


Beats Pill Announced as 2019 Commencement Speaker

Much of the praise for the speaker involved its superior battery life.


Aw: This Couple Is Matching with the Same Wheezing Cough

They are practically inseparable. They eat, sleep, and even bathe together!


5 Laptop Stickers to Show Everyone Just How Intellectual You Are

Luckily, at UTB, we have devised a highly scientific method of determining which laptop stickers toe the line between being an obnoxious braggart and a saintly intellectual.


"I Hate My Life" Complains Student Experiencing Best 4 Years of Her Life

Despite living minutes from her friends, enjoying her first experiences with drugs and alcoholic substances, and being at the highest level of fitness she will ever achieve, Raymond is often found angrily tweeting about her situation.


Oh No: Timothee Chalamet Spotted Loitering in the Peach Aisle of FroGro Again

Witnesses say they saw him skulking near the stone fruits – which are currently not even in season – wearing dark sunglasses and a hoodie as he impishly licked his lips.


Curve Breaker: Wharton Student Hires Crisis Actors to Fail Econ

When an Econ 001 midterm threatened to lower her 4.00 GPA, Sacks was forced to take desperate measures.


Get You a Girl That Can Do Both! I Love Socialism and Urban Outfitters

Workers of the world unite! But can you not, like unite SO much? I still want my crop tops. 


Only Cockroaches and Engineering Student Wearing T-Shirt in 20-Degree Weather Will Survive Nuclear Holocaust

We have yet to determine to what extent, if any, they feel pain.


Whole Girl Gang Ready to Develop Deep Hatred of Each Other in Cabo This Spring Break

Mom-friend Carrie Peters is getting ready for the loathing to peak when the quietist of the bunch, Kristy Porter, gets drunk off piña coladas on the beach one afternoon and opens up about every time over the last three years the girl gang fucked her over.


OP-ED: These Articles Embarrass My Family and Haunt My Future Job Search, so Please at Least like Them

Let’s be honest: when I’m in job interviews, I say I write for the Daily Pennsylvanian. 


OP-ED: I Would Totally Send My Daughter to Public School, but It’s Important to Me That She Tries Water Polo

How else will she be a nationally ranked athlete unless she joins a sport that less than 5,000 people in America play?


Jon Bon Jovi and 4 Other Things That Help Me Celebrate My White Heritage

Although it is is besieged on all sides by companies who refuse to write “Merry Christmas” on their holiday beverage cups and by foods that have just a little too much seasoning, I would like to take the time to stop and really appreciate what white people have contributed to our society.


Kanye Names His Child New College House West

Apparently, the Kendall Jenner spotting at City Tap really made quite the impression on campus, and Kanye was thrilled at the news that Penn had decided to name a whole College House after his unborn son.


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